A rare Sunday off, now, a family run to the mall. Sundresses for the girls at H&M.
I stop in the over priced fat lady store otherwise known as Addition-Elle, to lust after my own sundresses. I chance upon two skirts I like, some underwear. Normally I would have cringed at the 50.00 price tag on the skirts, perhaps bought one since I’m rapidly running out of clothing.
I left with nothing.
I lost my job in March, one I hated, but one which kept us at a reasonable level of cash flow. I’ve replaced it with one I don’t mind, which is stress free, but that pays, how do I put this, like shit. My money goes straight in the bank, do not pass go, don’t collect 200.00. And I’m ok with that-I can spend money pretty pointlessly, and we have bills.
But sweet fuck, I feel like I’m 15 again and begging my father for money for clothes or shoes because I’ve grown. I used to have to do that-convince him that I needed jeans, or running shoes for school because I couldn’t play basketball in bare feet. He never just knew what was needed by looking. And I always felt like shit having to ask, having to be treated like something secondary for needing something.
No one is doing that now, but I can’t shake this itchy feeling, like I’m a pet or something. The lack of control, of no longer contributing as much-it’s eating at me. Walking through a mall full of stuff I absolutely cannot have-it was almost degrading, and in no was freeing. Seeing things my children my want, or having to constantly say no to their asks even though I like getting them the odd little thing here and there, it hurt. It felt like I couldn’t provide for them.
My parents rarely if ever had extra money around for toys. (Of course, they also had a house that looked like a house so….) But I always wished I could occasionally have something, a surprise, once in awhile to just be given what I wanted and asked for. So doing it for my girls is like that.
I can’t do any of it anymore, and it just eats at me. I don’t feel successful, I don’t feel secure-I feel like that child who never had anything, who had to ask and ask and ask.
It just feels so bloody humiliating to have nothing after working so fucking hard to have something. Sure, going to the mall isn’t like making the big leagues, but it was the security of having an income I could rely on. Feeling like I was doing something right.
Anymore, I’m just not sure.