I’ve felt so good this week.
I’ve had more compliments paid in 4 days than I have in at least 5 years. Plain, honest compliments-people liking my sense of humor, admiring my ability at something or other-it doesn’t really matter what.
Feeling valued nearly puts me in tears. Realizing how long it’s been since anyone has made me feel this way makes me want to cry even more. How can a person live like this? How could I go for years with only the voice in my head telling me who and what I am?
My self talk had become so fucking toxic-a constant reminder that I’m a fuck up, that I can’t possibly be loved, that I’m not as smart as I think I am. This merry go round upstairs, making me dizzy and so bloody depressed. Lonely.
It’s lonely to live by yourself like that, to be the only one believing in you, to feel a desert around you. I feel like a drunk having her first drink after ten years on the wagon-I can just lap it up, feeling a glow start inside me at the thought that strangers might actually just think I’m funny or interesting or neat to be around.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt like that-so long since I felt worth something-anything-to someone. It feels cheesy to take such pleasure in it, but at the same time, I ache knowing I’ve gone so long void of anything like this.