Fire in the Belly, at 4

9 Mar

Originally uploaded by thordora

Lately I find myself reaching for babies a lot, my fingers twitching greedily for the soft, chubby legs, the tiny buttons on the tiny sweaters, the wispy hair (OH! the wisps) I don’t really want one-hell, I didn’t want mine when I had them, and hurried their babyhood’s alone with a wink, and nudge and the hope that lack of sleep would cause amnesia.

It must have worked since I can’t remember Rosalyn’s first word. I do recall that she walked for the very first time on her first birthday however. I don’t remember much else though, and thinking on it is like wading through mist. Ok, actually, I remember her exersaucer and how she took it as a personal challenge to get it across a room. She was always so determined to get moving.

In flipping through pictures of her, I noticed that her face, particularly her mouth, is dirty with something in nearly all. Cheese, crackers, peanut butter-always a greasy smear and crumbs down the front, too busy, much much too busy, white rabbit watch checking and running busy.

Then lately, now, I think of her, and the constant strains of “my haaands are durty!!!” and the running for the bathroom, the recent fastidiousness that has risen within her-the clean face I hadn’t seen since birth. I stopped and thought about that snack filled face, and nearly dropped what I held.

She’s a little girl now. My baby, my second born, my brave wonder woman birth, my angry little baby, so serious and sad for months in photos, still with the lost in thought head. She is not a baby. I can carry her down the stairs to her bed, her tiny arms twisted around my neck, her breathing warm in my ear, and I realize she never liked this as a baby, was never comfortable. She wants to do things, communicates her thoughts, tells me she misses her sister when she’s gone. (Yeah, I usually have to pick my jaw up at that one)

Man, where did she go? My baby, will she always be my baby? I know I treat the two of the differently, but how can’t I? They ARE so different! Where Vivian seems to run the rails on the straight and narrow, Rosalyn just…floats by, like she’s on water, plucking lilies from the shore. She’s got that purple crayon, and she’s drawing the road herself.

She really is a fabulous little creature. Not my baby, the baby is gone, and yeah, good riddance and all that jazz.

Four years ago, I was such a mess, and I was angry and depressed and scared, and almost unwilling and unable to love my baby, my daughter.

Four years later, I can’t imagine my heart not full with the sight of her.

Happy Birthday Ros. Sing me a song.

11 Responses to “Fire in the Belly, at 4”

  1. la March 9, 2009 at 3:46 am #

    And here’s hoping it’s a very happy birthday for the little miss x

  2. LarryLily March 9, 2009 at 7:35 am #

    Each day with them is a blessing. Make it the best day ever.

  3. bon March 9, 2009 at 8:42 am #

    such songs you sing to this girl. rich ones.

    and yes, my O too has become a long thing of legs and snuggling, a cuddler he never was in babyhood.

  4. Marcy March 9, 2009 at 8:48 am #

    Happy birthday, fire beauty!

  5. Hannah March 9, 2009 at 7:14 pm #

    So lovely. It’s incredible, isn’t it – the differences between siblings? I was just thinking this today; I expect a higher level of independence from James than I did from Isaac at that age. And it seems to work. I can’t wait to see what James is like at four; he already isn’t much of a cuddler, not in the way that Isaac was. This kind of gives me hope. 😉

    What did you end up getting her for her birthday?

  6. thordora March 9, 2009 at 9:08 pm #

    Thanks all. 🙂

    Hannah, she officially got three things-Thumbelina Barbie-it’s this weird fairy doll in a flower, Princess Tea Party set (who knew?!) and the small Playmobil Dollhouse, which is a HUGE hit regardless of sex it seems. I have a huge crush on Playmobil.

    I love doing different things with each kid-I tried pants on with Rosalyn with me today-I could NEVER do that with Vivian. But I can trust Vivian in more social situations, let her pee alone, that sort of thing. It’s pretty damn cool.

    I think maybe James and Ros can hook up in 20 years. They can see who’s stronger. 🙂

    • Hannah March 10, 2009 at 7:38 am #

      Ooh, Playmobil is awesome. Although the Princess Tea Party set sounds pretty good, too. Isaac actually loves tea parties but he’s not so keen on the pink teasets and you know, it’s hard to find a gender-neutral teaset, sadly.


      • thordora March 10, 2009 at 8:08 am #

        Grand River Toys has a fairly unisex version, and it’s recycled plastic. I love that company…

        • Hannah March 10, 2009 at 8:54 am #

          Hey, thanks for the tip – I’ll look into that.

  7. crazymumma March 9, 2009 at 10:29 pm #

    oh she is going to pave roads with her firey trail I read.

    Happy Birthday…..

  8. Holly March 10, 2009 at 2:46 pm #

    Happy Birthday!

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