Oh, darling, let your body in, let it tie you in, in comfort.

16 Feb

 Diane E. Levin and Jean Kilbourne’s So Sexy So Soon seeks to address this very type of childhood experience: a complete lack of awareness about sex and reproduction coupled with a media-fed understanding of sexiness – that is, as one young girl in the book explains, getting boys to chase you and try to kiss you – that revolves around emulating TV characters and buying as many products as possible.

There’s a great book review of So Sexy So Soon at Feministe-please, go read.

But it got me to thinking.

How much time can we, as parents and mothers, spend blaming the media, the western world, capitalism, Walmart, etc, before we also realize the true impact we have on our daughters?

I firmly believe in openness, to the point of irritation I imagine. Vivian telling me that “that place” feels good when she touches it-that filled me with pride. Pride that she was able to say this to me with no fear or pretense, and that she took such obvious joy in herself. Pride that I’m starting to create a woman who isn’t afraid of herself, knows where all the proper things are, and just exists in this manner.

Because I disagree that this is fully the fault of what Mattel is selling this season, or that sitcoms have taken things too far. I disagree that it’s those damn music videos, or those stars that kids want to emulate. Not fully.

Cues are taken from parents.

How many of us were raised in a don’t ask, don’t tell sort of environment, where the most sex education you received was 2 weeks in Grade 5, and maybe a book left covertly on a counter top by your mother? How many women can’t bring themselves to call a vulva a vulva, or even know that their vagina is only on the inside? How many women can’t bring themselves to orgasm, or help their partner to do so? How many women blush at the thought of talking about all of this? How many of us learned, early on from our parents, that our hands can be dirtied so easily?

When I was Vivian’s age, I liked to rock on a specific doll-I remember, it was a pink stuffy with one of those plastic kewpie doll faces on it. It made me feel good-happy, in touch with myself, like a sun rising, so I wanted to tell my mother. I showed her.

She didn’t hit me. Instead, she looked completely horrified, and I never saw that doll again. Standing in the hallway, my mother stared at me, and held her hand out. I handed it over, cried, and stumbled back to my room, confused.

Later, a few years perhaps, when my neighbour molested me, I remember feeling like I had no control over my body, that it never belonged to me, and I should submit. I could never tell my mother-it would be my fault. I would be punished, and would still not know what was mine in terms of my body. For years I dreamed of being abused by conveyor lines of robots, people. Just my lying there, at the whim of others.

It was my mother’s responsibility to teach my about my body, about myself. It was her responsibility to teach me that there is no shame in acknowledging my humanity in this way, in embracing my sexuality, even at that young of an age.

Make no mistake-we are sexual creatures the day we are born. Which is why as parents we need to step it up right off the bat, in the most normal way, as if explaining how to make bread or why you have an elbow. Blaming media and society for one’s child wanting to dress like a Bratz doll or a 13 year old knocking up a girl-it’s a cop out. It’s easy to say “The school never taught it!” or that “Miley Cyrus made her dress that way!” and turn the other way.

Much more difficult to raise your children with appropriate sexual values and mores, to have those conversations that at times, are less than easy.

Being sexual is part of who we are-and it always has been. We now treat even into mid-twenties like teenagers, so why is it so strange that a seven year old starts to act as they might? Why is starting the mating dance at 12 so odd? What if, biologically, that’s where the drive can start for some. I began menstruating about then-if I can bear children, if I am considered a woman, physically, why can’t society, or parents be bothered to?

I may not necessarily agree with a pre-teen acting out in any way sexually-but I’m raising my daughters with the knowledge to make responsible choices, when appropriate. Will I always win? No, not with two daughters. But I refuse to use the cop-out that the world around me has more bearing on how my daughters come to their womanhood than I do.

It took me years to come to grips with my sexuality, having children being the last nail in that particular coffin. I don’t want that for them. Our bodies are wonderful, beautiful things, and by telling our daughters on what’s bad, and horrible and not allowed because they’re too young/not ready/just can’t only serves to increase the need and make it more attractive.

Refusing to speak to your children out of embarrassment, or fear-to me, that’s worse than all the Bratz dolls and belly tops. Because our parents are our guides, for good or ill. And we do ourselves a grave disservice by leaving our daughters out to dry.

11 Responses to “Oh, darling, let your body in, let it tie you in, in comfort.”

  1. Ainse February 16, 2009 at 10:02 pm #

    Agreed. Learn your body. Help your child to understand his or hers. It’s not a secret.

  2. daisybones February 16, 2009 at 10:31 pm #

    I ADORE you.

  3. Aurelia February 16, 2009 at 11:01 pm #

    So you are telling me that not everyone discusses sex and body parts over the dinner table?

    Oh, ok. Ummm, well, with two and now three boys I have to say penises get discussed a lot. And what you should and shouldn’t do with them and when and where and how and ummm, you know?

    Anyway, good on you for deciding to talk, but seriously, it gets easier over time, and with lots of post-talk mommy drinking of alcohol. Lots.

  4. thordora February 16, 2009 at 11:05 pm #

    It’s pretty easy now-I imagine it’s easier with boys since they, uh, have something easier to play with so to speak, but watching her light up after her discoveries, or understanding things…it’s damn cool.

  5. Eden February 17, 2009 at 12:45 am #

    “How many women can’t bring themselves to call a vulva a vulva, or even know that their vagina is only on the inside?”

    I had to stop reading here just to go FUCK YES! I HATE when people teach their kids to call their all-inclusive genitals “vagina.” Zoe says “piska” (peesh-kah), which I learned was an all-inclusive Russian term that meant vulva, labia, vagina, everything. I figured when she was older, we’d get more detailed. But I wasn’t about to teach her the incorrect term.

    Back to reading…

  6. Hannah February 17, 2009 at 9:02 pm #

    What Aurelia said. Penises are a major topic of discussion around here, and the baby can’t even talk yet – but he sure does know he’s got one, and that it is teh AWESOME.

    I hope if I ever have girls, I can teach them to say both “vulva” and “vagina” without blushing. Something I still struggle with – and I was raised by hippies, for heaven’s sake.

  7. March February 17, 2009 at 10:13 pm #

    I’m at an airport right now, in Virginia… about to board our last plane (yaay!), so I don’t have much time to comment, but you have just given me food for thought for my flight. I’ll be coming back to this post 🙂

    Love your new banner!
    those are such beautiful deep eyes!

  8. antropologa February 17, 2009 at 10:48 pm #

    My little two-year-old girl enjoys her genitals from time to time, and I always smile and tell her and say, “That’s your vulva! Isn’t it nice to have a vulva?” and let her do as she pleases. I love how into the shower head she is, how she needs to “wash my vulva!” It’s yours, buddy, have fun! She hasn’t discovered her vagina yet.

    I remember being young enough to be carried on the hip and doing a little surreptitious grinding–I know to keep it on the down-low, isn’t that amazing? And still I remember the Looks.

  9. Sol February 18, 2009 at 11:04 am #

    I loved this post. But, I confess, I fall into the category of those who thing the vagina is the whole deal…. please, come one explain 🙂

  10. thordora February 18, 2009 at 11:12 am #

    the vagina is the inside-the vulva is the pretty part outside. 🙂

  11. de February 24, 2009 at 10:52 am #


    and I’m so sad about your doll.

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