I feel all the good leaching from my body, sucked through my pores like water, and I melt through it, until I become the hard core once again, that shuttered place, hard as diamond, yet not nearly as pretty.
I’m eating my feelings, I joke, but it’s true, stuffing my maw with anything that might fill the ache I’m currently hosting, anything to fill this sudden void that haunts, teases.
“You’re no good” it whispers “You can’t even stay employed”
I wander the aisles in the grocery store, asking myself, outloud, “How did I get here?”
How? Or better yet, why. The upheaval over the last year or so-it’s nearly done me in, but yet, I feel like change, now, is what I need, what’s craved, after so long of puttering along, feeling nothing, staying in places because I had to, because I had no choice.
I have choices-I always had. Some are just hard, and scary to make.
I’ve been up and down and back-spending a few days hypomanic, unable to sleep without some kind of pill, being giddy and happy and hopeful, and now, settling back down to that general feeling of unloved and uneasy, this horrid feeling that causes me to draw in and want to lash out all at once, wanting nothing more than strength to hold me down, prop me up, remind me that I’m not the terrible person I’d make myself out to be.
My life is what it is, but my brain, I’m tired of it, and dammit, could my pdoc come back soon please? Her replacement I loathe, and will not help. Bearing up gets hard, tiresome. Frustrating.
I want your brains. I want all the answers. I want something fantastic to happen. I want to feel happy.
I want this echo off my chest.