Reduced to Nothing

11 Feb

I feel all the good leaching from my body, sucked through my pores like water, and I melt through it, until I become the hard core once again, that shuttered place, hard as diamond, yet not nearly as pretty.

I’m eating my feelings, I joke, but it’s true, stuffing my maw with anything that might fill the ache I’m currently hosting, anything to fill this sudden void that haunts, teases.

“You’re no good” it whispers “You can’t even stay employed”

I wander the aisles in the grocery store, asking myself, outloud, “How did I get here?”

How? Or better yet, why. The upheaval over the last year or so-it’s nearly done me in, but yet, I feel like change, now, is what I need, what’s craved, after so long of puttering along, feeling nothing, staying in places because I had to, because I had no choice.

I have choices-I always had. Some are just hard, and scary to make.

I’ve been up and down and back-spending a few days hypomanic, unable to sleep without some kind of pill, being giddy and happy and hopeful, and now, settling back down to that general feeling of unloved and uneasy, this horrid feeling that causes me to draw in and want to lash out all at once, wanting nothing more than strength to hold me down, prop me up, remind me that I’m not the terrible person I’d make myself out to be.

My life is what it is, but my brain, I’m tired of it, and dammit, could my pdoc come back soon please? Her replacement I loathe, and will not help. Bearing up gets hard, tiresome. Frustrating.

I want your brains. I want all the answers. I want something fantastic to happen. I want to feel happy.

I want this echo off my chest.

5 Responses to “Reduced to Nothing”

  1. Missy February 11, 2009 at 9:21 pm #

    It’s like breathing sometimes. In and out, up and down, lather, rinse. Life. Quotidian.
    We need a vacation from life.
    I need a four leaf clover.

  2. bromac February 12, 2009 at 9:07 am #

    “what kind of woman are you, your uterus won’t even work”

    I fucking hate this disease~

  3. March February 12, 2009 at 9:22 am #

    Like Missy says, its a matter of one day at a time. you are not a horrible person, quite on the contrary, you are a wonderful person and great mother, not a perfect one, but a wonderful one yes very much so.

    one day at a time. breathe in and out. one foot ahead of the other. we need to keep the movement going, slow but steady. it’s not easy, and sometimes it’s just too damn hard to move, but you can’t give up, not for you, not for them. keep on moving.

    you are never alone, even when it seems so. so many of us are rooting for you and sending good energy your way. you are never alone.

  4. Marcy February 12, 2009 at 9:57 am #

    Your feelings make perfect sense considering your circumstances. This, too, will pass. Grit your teeth and bear it best you can — or even relax into it, refusing to be tumbled.

  5. missprissdoesablog February 12, 2009 at 4:00 pm #

    I am having a very similar day, only trying to pretend I am not, hence my blog entry today “One Day at a Time”. Why do I pretend (even to myself) to be okay when I’m really struggling?!?

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