If you do not hear reason she will rap you on the knuckles.

2 Feb

Her voice is smooth as I stare at the new nail polish on my fingers, “Electric Strawberry” (Affair in Red Square, you have competition. Grrrrrrrowl.) She is calm, and measured, and not at all the 53 she professes to be. I worry about starting into all of it, all of IT, my life. Not nearly so bad by some measures, but in Canada, it’s bad enough.

Sometimes I feel like I’m making it all up, wish that I was, when I begin to recount the events of my life, spoken of in “oh, and then this” or “well, I think that maybe it started when…” When what? When my mother died? When the neighbour couldn’t keep his hands off me? Or when my father didn’t know what to do with me, and left me to my own devices, left to wither, until he was angry drunk and felt like yelling.

She listens. She does what no one else ever does-tells me I’m strong for doing this every day, reminds me that sickness is still sickness even if it’s only in my head. Validates my stress, my anger, my depression. Suggests that maybe my medication isn’t working quite as well as I think.

She doesn’t laugh when I tell her I’m a bitch. She knows that sometimes I am, and that I’m calling to please, please help me figure out when to stop the train when it leaves the station. Please help me try and stop the anger that doesn’t mean anything, the anger that isn’t real. She listens and believes me when I tell her I can’t help it, that I’m powerless behind it, despite what anyone might think.

Think of yourself as an alcoholic she tells me. The path is the same. Name calling, anger, judgement, sins from the past, screaming, then crying, begging for forgiveness. It’s the exact same thing, but I have no excuse aside from my brain and who I’ve become, some small child unable to grow up, unable to be loved without drama, without something huge looming in the background.

She believes me when I tell her I want to be different, that I want to learn how to be happy, I want to know what happy people look like, how they eat, what they wear. That I want to be happy. She believes me.

Her voice is soothing, makes me want to tell her my secrets. The pity I can do without, yes, losing my mother was horrible but I’ve lived with it for 20 years and now, now I just want to leave it behind, package it and put it in a cubbyhole where it’s only taken out on holiday, petted, cried over, but ultimately left alone. I want all of it put away, I want to be left with the me who is behind everything else.

I fear there’s not much there, she’s been buried underneath all this stuff for so long, these things done to her or done in spite of her.

She worth digging for, right?

**************

I want to change. I do. But how? How do you change after years of knee jerk response and a brain that’s like a separate person altogether?

I want answers this time. I want real answers on how to move past a lifetime of things I’ve “thought” I was over. I want answers on how to be less of a bitch and more of a real person.

I just want, after all this time, to be reasonable for once.

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10 Responses to “If you do not hear reason she will rap you on the knuckles.”

  1. Bon February 2, 2009 at 11:11 pm #

    she’s worth digging for.

    i’ve sat across from her. she has her masks and her damage…but she’s visible. and reasonable. and beautiful.

    now, this therapist…wow. you giving out her number?

  2. misspudding February 3, 2009 at 3:03 am #

    It’s hard. Keep working on it, and like everything, once you do it enough, you learn to stop hating yourself, hating your situation. The reason you’re a bitch, as you say, is because you’re mad. You’re mad because you didn’t get your mom, because you got abused, because your dad had his problems and you had to grow up before you wanted to. Now that you’ve confronted this, you can finally start forgiving yourself and allowing your inner child to just be happy for once. And then you might be less of a bitch.

    Yeah. Or something.

  3. Cynthia Page February 3, 2009 at 9:06 am #

    “I want answers on how to be less of a bitch and more of a real person.” Me too.

  4. daisybones February 3, 2009 at 10:05 am #

    Yeah, I’m with Bon- coveting your therapist:) She sounds amazing. I miss my best therapist; she is still in my head breathing me through things.

    I send you love.

  5. superlagirl February 3, 2009 at 10:26 am #

    “Please help me try and stop the anger that doesn’t mean anything, the anger that isn’t real.”

    The hardest part for me was discovering that the anger was very, very real and meant more than I had ever wanted to admit. I had never considered myself to be an angry person, but there it all was, festering under the surface like an abscessed wound. It’s funny how trauma can be so sneaky and tenacious. And by funny, I’m mean really f-ed up.

    Someone recommended the book Creating Sanctuary to me, and I pass that recommendation onto you.

  6. thordora February 3, 2009 at 10:29 am #

    Oh, there’s anger at life, which absolutely needs to be dealt with in a more organic way. But I get angry at people when it’s so NOT their fault, specifically my family. I get upset, I lock it down and then I find something to pick a fight about and the gloves are off instead of me facing what’s really wrong and dealing with that.

    I’m kinda like a 14 year old in all the WRONG ways.

    I’ll look for tha tbook. Thanks. And I’m SUPER hopeful that this chick will rule. She’s worked with BP’s before, some with similar makeups it sounds, so I’m crossing my fingers that my Sat session will go just as well.

  7. Marcy February 3, 2009 at 10:56 am #

    She does sound awesome.

    And I want to be a real person, too.

  8. crazymumma February 3, 2009 at 11:07 am #

    I want the same thing.

    And I was provoked to wonder if IKEA sells a magic storage unit for all those potentially tidy packages.

    and bubble wrap. one must have bubble wrap.

  9. thordora February 3, 2009 at 11:08 am #

    And double sided tape.

  10. bromac February 3, 2009 at 11:20 am #

    I’m very glad you found a good one. I have a wonderful therapist and he has made all the difference in my stability and recovery.

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