Grace in Large Things: Murderous Rage Edition

1 Feb

People I’m mostly happy I didn’t kill lately:

  • The bus driver who thinks that because it’s Sunday a schedule is more of a suggestion than something to adhere to when it’s -21C and I’m outside with an almost 4 year old.
  • The two well dressed Metrosexuals who glared at me in Starbucks until Ros and I left to explore the book store. Apparently over priced jeans find wood chair aborhant.
  • Other parents near the trains. Holy sweet CRAP people. They’re kids. You CAN turn your back and have a conversation, or look at, I don’t know, a book! They won’t melt! They will figure out how to play by themselves! I promise. A glance from over the shelves is good for them.
  • Conversely, sitting and having a little chat while your spawn beats my child withΒ a toy isn’t helpful. Saying “That’s not nice” without bothering to look isn’t helpful either. PARENT dammit.
  • THAT Mom with the voice, trying to impress all the other Moms. I’m sure they have every single one of those 300 books. And I’m sure in 20 years you’ll be glad you spent 20.00 on each and every one of them. Now cut it with the sweet talk and actually pay attention when your child IS doing something wrong.
  • Asshat in the Jeep-you had the ENTIRE parking lot to drive around us, but you STILL had to nearly hit us. Now THAT would have been a fun lawsuit.
  • Guy carefully examining the body souffle near the cosmetics. You’re loss prevention, I get it. For some reason this entire city thinks you’re stealing if you shop without screaming at your kid. Please attempt to be a little less obvious next time?Β  At least your walkie-talkie wasn’t sticking out like usual.
  • Impatient twit in the grocery store. I’m sorry that my 4 year old wasn’t walking fast enough for you to charge the meat counter. I try and save my annoyance in the grocery store for people who CAN help but be an asshole. Like you.
  • Second Cup lady-yes I had the NERVE to have Starbucks in my hand while grabbing a coffee for my Dad.And yes, despite your lame attempts to sell me your coffee, I STILL think it tastes like ass and gives me gut rot. Save the attitude if you want people to give you their money.
  • Me-stop being so fucking foul today. Find something else to do already.

What’s making you homicidal today?

(Please note that I am NOT actually homicidal. Please do not call any government or law enforcement agencies. If you have lost your ability to discern humour, please, let me add you to this list.)

21 Responses to “Grace in Large Things: Murderous Rage Edition”

  1. Laura February 1, 2009 at 2:15 pm #

    lmao at the addendum!

    i haven’t left the house yet today so i’m not homicidal at all – it’s a nice feeling! and even when my cat smelled like pee and sat on the mousepad yelling incessantly at me with her catfood breath, it didn’t irritate me nearly as much as usual!

    feel free to send some of your murderous rage over this way – i think i’m in a state where i can absorb it with no ill consequences. πŸ™‚

  2. Molly Chase February 1, 2009 at 2:24 pm #

    Just so’s you know, I have Child Protective Services on speed dial. For those pesky occasions on which you threaten bodily harm to, you know, anybody. Everyone knows you’re prone to it. πŸ˜›

    It’s not quite a murderous rage, but I spent forty minutes looking for my son’s Spanish-to-English pocket dictionary before he would take a nap. Why can he not just be a normal three-year-old for two seconds?

  3. Hannah February 1, 2009 at 2:27 pm #

    The addendum? Totally made this post for me. Up until that point, it was just making me tense because those are the kinds of people I want to kick repeatedly myself, and since we’re snowed in I hadn’t actually encountered any of them today.

    Let me add: cashiers at the grocery store who pack fresh fruit in the same bag as cans. We hates ’em, precious, we does.

  4. cooledskin February 1, 2009 at 3:17 pm #

    I hate how everyone else on the planet parents… Or at least everyone else in Manitoba. Seriously. I think it’s a-okay to pull your brat off of my kid if he’s pulling her hair. And you can’t step in to defend your own child, obviously, because touching someone else’s kid is treason. GAWD.

    I’m so sick of parents who refuse to parent on the grounds that it will damage their precious little pumpkin’s self-esteem or some bollocks. They’ll get over it! My daughter gets time outs (and, yes, the occasional spanking) and she still loves me. I think?

    I agree with everyone else about the little note at the bottom. Awesome.

  5. March February 1, 2009 at 5:43 pm #

    I too am clapping at the addendum πŸ™‚

    I’m about to murder my husband.

    (this is the part where I have to specify that I’m not really going to murder him, right? )

    he just is annoying the life out of me! he did not pack his things with enough time and now keeps asking me where he put this and that and is btiching about his packing not being organized…. aarrrrgghhhh! I already have two kids, don’t need an oversized one today ( I told him that. and yes, I still love the guy, like that old lady said to the guys of that book: “murder often, divorce never”)

  6. Sol February 1, 2009 at 5:50 pm #

    I think I love you Thordora.
    I hate arrogant little twats and when I see one get close to my kid, say, throwing a basketball down the slide when my precious one is at the bottom end and happens to weigh less than said basket-fucking-ball, I don’t get homicidal: I just do some vice-parenting, of the harsh kind. The twat will thank me one day.

  7. Shana February 1, 2009 at 8:35 pm #

    Thordora, given the recent history associated with your internet presence, do we all get in trouble if we post here? πŸ™‚

    People I’m finding hard to deal with right now:

    Students who invent every excuse under the sun not to turn in their homework.

    Students who kvetch over ONE POINT when it won’t make any difference to their grade.

    Students who write such bad essays that you are desperately finding a way to give them SOME points here and there, but they really don’t deserve them.

    Students who hit on you. (I can see where the old stereotype of the straightlaced prim-and-prissy schoolmarm came from – it’s a method of self-defense.)

  8. nessa February 1, 2009 at 9:48 pm #

    Love the disclaimer. πŸ˜‰

  9. crazymumma February 1, 2009 at 11:29 pm #

    the idiot in the park who thinks that their 5 month old doberman jumping up on my kid is acceptable.

  10. misspudding February 2, 2009 at 12:49 am #

    Stopped by to say I loved the disclaimer. πŸ™‚

  11. cinnamon gurl February 2, 2009 at 8:55 am #

    Ha! The fine print rocked it. We’ve kept ourselves to ourselves this weekend, so no-one to add at this moment. It is the start of a workday though so maybe later?

  12. Marcy February 2, 2009 at 9:51 am #

    I am more sad than angry, but definitely both.

    I am so tired of seeing the names and social activities of people who want nothing to do with me for no discernable reason. I know not everyone has to like me, but — but — I don’t like not being liked. Especially when someone who doesn’t like me likes other people that seem no better than I am.

    And I am angry with myself for caring so much.

  13. nylonthread February 2, 2009 at 10:16 am #

    The moron in the parking lot who thought that putting her hazards on 10 spaces back from a space about to open up was the way you “save” it. I drove around her (to me, hazards mean there’s something wrong with your car and drive around) and there was still space for another car in between mine and hers. When I parked, she ran up to my car to bang on my window and yell at how rude I was. Lady, put your TURN signal on and drive up BEHIND the space you’re saving!! Without clear indicators, I do not deserve to be screamed at.

    Thanks for offering up this space to vent!

  14. thordora February 2, 2009 at 10:19 am #

    I need to add the fucking MORONS who plow and groom the walking trail, and yet leave the sidewalks near the school unplowed, making us walk on increasingly narrow roads with drivers who don’t quite grasp the term “speed limit”

    And yeah, Shana, and totally BAD company. πŸ˜›

  15. bromac February 2, 2009 at 12:17 pm #

    What Shana said.

    Plus my AP who was supposed to do my observation today. He rescheduled three times, causing me to totally revamp my lessons, three times. Then, today I had an awesome lesson and had definitely scared the living shit out of my class with threats of major consequences for misbehavior, and he didn’t come to work. Grrrrr. I know he was hung over from the super bowl, asshole.

  16. bromac February 2, 2009 at 12:19 pm #


    How bout when they come to you two days before grades are due and say, with a 3%, “miss what can i do to get my grade up before report cards”. Uh, fucking figure out how to rewind time and do your freakin work.

  17. mamatried February 2, 2009 at 1:42 pm #

    Okay, I’m confused with the coffee. Did you buy the swill for your dad? My parents still both drink the gut rot stuff and I have decided maybe it is the key to their longevity but I love my Sumatra home brew too much.

  18. Shana February 2, 2009 at 1:59 pm #

    Bromac, I just burst out laughing reading what you wrote about the failing student trying to get his / her grade up. πŸ™‚ We’ve had a few of that sort over in this quarter of the world, too.

    Thordora, I didn’t even read your disclaimer carefully until now, after reading what all the other commenters wrote about it. LOL Between you and Bromac, you’ve made my day!

  19. thordora February 2, 2009 at 2:00 pm #

    I got me my soy latte at Starbucks, and Dad a cup of Swill at Second Cup. Barf.

    They do have the best Starbucks though.

  20. Krista February 2, 2009 at 7:42 pm #

    LOVE the disclaimer!!!!!!

  21. CLK February 4, 2009 at 1:21 pm #

    Just WHY do the shopping bags all rip apart before I can get them inside? If I ever figure out who is responsible, it is murder (full stop!) πŸ˜‰

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