People I’m mostly happy I didn’t kill lately:
- The bus driver who thinks that because it’s Sunday a schedule is more of a suggestion than something to adhere to when it’s -21C and I’m outside with an almost 4 year old.
- The two well dressed Metrosexuals who glared at me in Starbucks until Ros and I left to explore the book store. Apparently over priced jeans find wood chair aborhant.
- Other parents near the trains. Holy sweet CRAP people. They’re kids. You CAN turn your back and have a conversation, or look at, I don’t know, a book! They won’t melt! They will figure out how to play by themselves! I promise. A glance from over the shelves is good for them.
- Conversely, sitting and having a little chat while your spawn beats my child with a toy isn’t helpful. Saying “That’s not nice” without bothering to look isn’t helpful either. PARENT dammit.
- THAT Mom with the voice, trying to impress all the other Moms. I’m sure they have every single one of those 300 books. And I’m sure in 20 years you’ll be glad you spent 20.00 on each and every one of them. Now cut it with the sweet talk and actually pay attention when your child IS doing something wrong.
- Asshat in the Jeep-you had the ENTIRE parking lot to drive around us, but you STILL had to nearly hit us. Now THAT would have been a fun lawsuit.
- Guy carefully examining the body souffle near the cosmetics. You’re loss prevention, I get it. For some reason this entire city thinks you’re stealing if you shop without screaming at your kid. Please attempt to be a little less obvious next time? At least your walkie-talkie wasn’t sticking out like usual.
- Impatient twit in the grocery store. I’m sorry that my 4 year old wasn’t walking fast enough for you to charge the meat counter. I try and save my annoyance in the grocery store for people who CAN help but be an asshole. Like you.
- Second Cup lady-yes I had the NERVE to have Starbucks in my hand while grabbing a coffee for my Dad.And yes, despite your lame attempts to sell me your coffee, I STILL think it tastes like ass and gives me gut rot. Save the attitude if you want people to give you their money.
- Me-stop being so fucking foul today. Find something else to do already.
What’s making you homicidal today?
(Please note that I am NOT actually homicidal. Please do not call any government or law enforcement agencies. If you have lost your ability to discern humour, please, let me add you to this list.)