Suckity Suck Suck

15 Jan

Thus far January has been a banner fucking month for me.

The kerfluffle a week ago, some other stuff I don’t feel comfortable talking about publicly, it’s gathered around me like a storm.

Thankfully I’m stable. But I’m just becoming so incredibly sad about things. I wouldn’t even dare to call it depression-just this overwhelming, sticky sadness that weighs my limbs down and makes me not want to move, uninterested in doing much of anything, except maybe drinking my face off.

Heh. Maybe it is depression after all.

I know change is good. I know I haven’t been happy with certain things. But sweet crap, haven’t I had enough change lately? I’m tired-the kind of tired sleep doesn’t fix. My heart is heavy and I just don’t know how to expel the ghost wrapped around it.

I feel helpless, and alone, and not a little useless. And I hate it. I hate swimming in a pool of nothing like this. I hate this need, this thirst that cannot be slaked.

I’ll shake it off. Somehow I always do. I just desperately hope that this isn’t a portent of what the rest of this year will look like. I deserve one normal year like everyone else gets.

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13 Responses to “Suckity Suck Suck”

  1. Bon January 15, 2009 at 10:48 pm #

    you do deserve a better year than this…i hope it’s just a rough start catalyst to fabulousness, of course…but all change is hard, especially when you can’t see where it’s going and you stop feeling like you’re driving. and i hate that swimming in a pool of nothing feeling, especially being chased by the damage that crap and nastiness and conflict can leave on your self-esteem.
    i’m not so far from that place myself but with fewer assaults on me lately, so…i feel you.

    at least we get to actually do the drinking our faces off part. 🙂 thanks, Thor, for coming this weekend, for letting us gather round you and do our hearty silly best to love you up until you feel…well…maybe not better but at least no pain. and befriended. that’s a generous gift, to us.

    can’t wait. now, here’s the question…do you like red curry? and do you eat tofu?

  2. Marcy January 15, 2009 at 10:49 pm #

    I’m near that spot, too. It’s odd, actually, how persistent that meaninglessness voice is, even in the best moments. Gotta be some weird personality or chemistry thing, something to shrug off as best I can — to just say, “this is part of me” and keep going. My faith does make a difference — but it doesn’t erase that voice.

  3. kate w January 15, 2009 at 11:10 pm #

    It’s normal to feel sad when things genuinely suck. If it’s any consolotion, last year started out horribly for us, but overall it became a pretty good one. Maybe the good stuff is just waiting so you’ll recognize it when it comes?

  4. TheAitch January 15, 2009 at 11:20 pm #

    I agree you do deserve a normal, plain old happy year. The winter months get to me. I wonder if any of your problems would feel as heavy if there were sunny skies and warm weather? Ya know what I mean? Crap that happens in crap weather just always seem extra crappy. Well, except for last weeks bullshit, that sucks in any weather.

    Sending good vibes your way 😉

  5. Cee January 16, 2009 at 1:33 am #

    This reminds me of the angst of the old hippies – this is a joke right?

  6. thordora January 16, 2009 at 7:47 am #

    Thanks all. It will pass.

    Bon-love red curry, will stomach tofu if I don’t need to acknowledge it’s existance. 🙂

    Yes, me bad semi vegetarian.

  7. Bon January 16, 2009 at 8:02 am #

    i fry the tofu in sesame oil within an inch of its life, if that’s any consolation…

    have just been trying to figure out something tasty that will work for the vegetarians and for no-dairy, no-beans, no-gassy-veggies me…tried split pea soup last week in hopes of finding a happy middle ground and ended up awake all night with a very angry babe.

    so Thai seemed like the super-vegan solution…but we can leave the tofu bits aside until serving. 🙂

  8. thordora January 16, 2009 at 9:28 am #

    mmmmm…I’ll eat anything fried in sesame oil.

    I make a vegan shepherds pie with carrots, peppers, onions and potatoes-I can make some and bring if that might be easy on you-I can leave th beans out of half….

  9. nessa January 16, 2009 at 12:07 pm #

    I would be pretty grumpy if I had your month, too. Drama sucks. You will have a good year, you will have a good year, you will have a good year…
    (That’s me sending good year vibes, in case that wasn’t obvious.)

  10. Betsey January 16, 2009 at 12:07 pm #

    I’m guessing you’re just getting all the crap out of way at once. Do it at the beginning of the year and the rest will be smooth sailing.

    At least that’s my theory.

    And geniuses like me have awesome theories.

  11. mamasingstheblues January 16, 2009 at 6:07 pm #

    Sticky sadness–I know that feeling.

  12. patois January 16, 2009 at 9:20 pm #

    I like Betsey’s thought: getting all of the 2009 crap finished, done, over. I’ll hope that is precisely the case.

  13. thordora January 16, 2009 at 9:21 pm #

    Yeah, I think looking at it like a HUGE case of the shits to be purged might be best. 🙂

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