Dear Vivian

2 Jan

You are 5 and almost a half. Six this year, your tiny body only starting to form in my belly oh those many years ago.

I look at you now and see a woman. A girl, becoming. The lengthening of your body, the clay of your face, becoming, dancing around those perfect river mud brown eyes of yours, shaped carefully like mine.

Oh darling, you are so very lovely.

You and I went for groceries today, as we did all summer. After nearly two weeks of winter vacation, your sister has been ready to kill, so it was best to take you with me. One more blood curdling scream and I will burn every single toy in this house. Pinkie swear.

You’re joy personified with me, in the buggy, beside me, nattering on and on, charming the deli lady out of some roast beef, having a giggle with some random passerby, chatting with other kids. You’re helpful, and (mostly) well mannered, and I only have to use “The Voice” once. You’re a whirling dervish, and I love you.

But more, I love this NOW. I love watching your eyes light up when your teacher taps you on the shoulder and says hello. I love watching your adoration for another woman slither through your body like sand. I love knowing you spend your days happy without me.

We joke in the store. We juggle apples, buying one of each, Honeycrisp, Golden Delicious, Pink Lady, Russet, as I extol the virtues of each, demonstrating “springy” with my hands and feet, delaying artichokes till next week. We speak in tongues you and I, and I have more fun than I’ve had in weeks, watching you light up as I trust you, alone in the toys for a few minutes.

Rope darling. Sometimes you need enough to hang yourself with. I’ll never be so far away I can’t catch you, although I might let you fall every so often.

You ask for fuzzy socks as a treat. Socks! How awesome are you? You whine less than the old man behind us when it takes forFRICKENever to get through the cash.

You beg incessantly for friend chicken the entire time. (ok, that part I could have done without)

Sweets, it’s been busy lately. We’ve had company, we’ve had days off, we’ve had holidays-we’re off our game. Or I am at least, so I’ve been yelly and cranky and just kinda sorta not much fun most days.

Today was nice. Today reminded me of you, the growing up girl, the lady I’ll love to talk to, the girl I already love to talk to, who I have fun with. Ros and I-we understand a mutual need for silence. But you? You’re my giddy girl, the one who lights the path in the darkness.

You’re my reward, and on days like today, I could float endlessly in it.

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10 Responses to “Dear Vivian”

  1. Jennifer January 2, 2009 at 11:00 pm #

    I need days like this with my eldest.

  2. thordora January 2, 2009 at 11:08 pm #

    I actually enjoy shopping with her, since it’s NOT a regular occurance, and it’s fun. We have a ball-no time limits, just us, the buggy and all the idiots in the store. 🙂

    Just do it. It’s so much nicer just one on one. And I don’t know about yours, but mine NEEDS that.

  3. TheAitch January 2, 2009 at 11:58 pm #

    Whoa. Awesome. Like, terribly, wickedly awesome. I love this so much.

  4. Hannah January 3, 2009 at 7:34 am #

    So sweet. I like taking Isaac to the grocery store too – just the two of us. He loves the one-on-one time, and the feeling that he’s helping.

    Plus it keeps me from swearing under my breath at aisle-blockers, mouth-breathers, and tomato-squashing cashiers.

  5. March January 3, 2009 at 12:51 pm #

    so far I have days like that with Mackenzie when Morgan is in preschool and at other times we’ve been giving her father that time with her, so it’s the two of them that go and get groceries or something alone… (we’re still trying to compensate for all that time he was gone).
    but on the chances I do get myself alone with her, it’s just great cause we can have full conversations now, and she is a lot like me personality wise…
    we’ll be doing more of that, one-on-one time with both of them this year.

    this is just a lovely post, you gave me a sweet smile to begin my day…

  6. daisybones January 3, 2009 at 9:27 pm #

    What an amazing post. You are so in your element here, and I pour my love into her through my love for you, and a big bonus burst of mojo for poor Ros, in her difficult phase. When Molly’s like that I am equally piteous for her and insanely frustrated for myself. :/

  7. San Diego Momma January 4, 2009 at 1:20 pm #

    I adored that post. My daughter will be 5 in a month and you so perfectly captured how I feel about that. I esp. love “another woman slither through your body like sand.” How true it is.

  8. maggie January 4, 2009 at 5:40 pm #

    i’m finding you through…sweet n salty, that’s it! and really enjoyed this post as a momma of a girlie too. (and two boys)
    nice to find you!
    maggie may

  9. landismom January 4, 2009 at 7:29 pm #

    That was lovely.

  10. beckelliott January 5, 2009 at 2:34 pm #

    This was a beautiful post. It reminded me of my Mom and I… I’ve been thinking of writing her a letter lately, just to tell her how much I love her, and you just pushed my thought into action. I’m going to sit down and write it right now.
    Love your writing!

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