I can’t has.

17 Dec

It’s a busy mall-it’s nearly Christmas, and I’m sitting waiting for my husband, perched on a rather soft bench. Waiting doesn’t bother me when my kids aren’t involved, so I casually stare around me, the sale signs, the ridiculous advertisements. I remember I want to get a coffee card for my father, and think to get up and wander over.

I notice a father with his young son, maybe 6 months, giggling and cooing over his shoulder. He’s beautiful-pink and perfect in the way only a baby that age can be. I try not to stare, not at the hands holding him, not at the way the child bends into his father, utterly safe and sound. I remember our daughters doing much the same.

His wife arrives, with two other boys, adorable, well behaved mischievous little boys, all in little hats with ears and flaps and beaver tails. She’s dressed them alike in football shirts in case one goes missing in the mall.

I exchange giggles and broad smiles with the baby, resisting the urge to stretch over and steal him away, to feel that new skin, the softness you could sink into. His parents seal him in the buggy, and away they go, trailing puppy dog tails behind them.

My heart aches, and pounds, and some small spot in my belly whimpers and cries. It wants one of those, a small boy child, and it can’t have one. It finally wants, and it can only watch it walk away.

6 Responses to “I can’t has.”

  1. March December 17, 2008 at 10:19 pm #

    it is indeed powerful the longing one gets to feel at the sight (or smell or feel) of a small baby. last week I babysat a 3mos old for a couple of hours, and I swear I could hear my ovaries screaming. I almost did not want to give him back.
    motherhood is indeed a multi-layered state… physical, emotional and mental…

  2. Marcy December 17, 2008 at 11:57 pm #

    Sometimes I can really appreciate the little boys I know, but I’d still really freak out to have one. Everyone says they’re easier to raise, but they’re still seemingly so alien to me. Besides, not having any more kids at all.

  3. nessa December 18, 2008 at 1:10 am #

    That is hard, thor. Sooo hard. *HUGS* I don’t think it ever really goes away either. I mean, I have 4 and I still want another one just as badly as when I only had one… It’s so sad to think that my body is done making little babes.

  4. Jennifer December 18, 2008 at 8:41 am #

    I get ya. Having serious baby cravings currently. I lucked out at a home party and got to hold a sleeping 8 week old. *sigh*

  5. Cerra December 18, 2008 at 9:10 am #

    You can come visit Clive anytime!

  6. bromac December 18, 2008 at 9:52 am #

    I hear ya loud and clear, Thor

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