Dear Bipolar

11 Dec


I’m tired of this. TIRED. Capital everything tired. I’ve spent today so fucking agitated I couldn’t sit still, couldn’t focus, my brain full of static and goo, heavy and wilted, after spending last night away and hearing music no one ever wrote in my ears before falling into a drugged stupor.

I’m really tired of you and my period doing this little dance of satan to ruin a perfectly good month. I’m completely sick of feeling at your mercy, at wondering when you’ll take over completely and knock me from the drivers seat.

I wonder when my daughters will know for sure that something is wrong with me.

I want a fucking normal life, normal relationships with people, normal dreams. Lately I’ve imagined just selling everything, and moving my family to some beach in Mexico or Bali, to just live without things, and it’s incredible-to dream! To have a thought not full of angst or foulness. But this is threatened and I can’t stop it and fighting is wearing me down, the headaches piling on each other until I cannot see and I fantasize about being laid off so I could just piss around the house for a little while.

I’m tired of being weak, of having to make excuses, or having to apologize, of having to point at my head and shrug. I’m sick of apologizing for the chemistry inside I can’t do a thing about! I’m tired of hurting people because of that chemistry.

I’m sick to death of not being able to get to my doctor, and weighing the options of going to emerg. I’m tired of that feeling that my world will crumble around me, any second, that it’s held up by the thinnest of threads and then every single thing I’ve worked for will be gone.

It would be my fucking luck.

I want to have normal problems, normal concerns. I want to have anything but this.

Fuck you.

12 Responses to “Dear Bipolar”

  1. Jennifer December 12, 2008 at 7:32 am #

    Have you thought about asking for a permanent solution for the period thing?

  2. sweetsalty kate December 12, 2008 at 9:13 am #

    That’s an interesting suggestion from Jennifer.

    Otherwise, I’m struck speechless this morning, but need to comment anyway to tell you that you are adored.

  3. Jen December 12, 2008 at 9:17 am #

    thinking of you.

  4. Bon December 12, 2008 at 9:39 am #

    it seems a bitter pill, no pun intended.

    love to you. and if you want company in dreaming about Mexico, yep, i’m all yours. if i can gather my scattered brain enough to focus.

  5. Marcy December 12, 2008 at 10:21 am #

    My shrink said a number of her patients up their SSRIs for their periods… don’t know if that’s an option for your drugs or not…

    I hope venting helped at least a little.

    And I’m sorry.

  6. Cerra December 12, 2008 at 10:31 am #

    Hear, hear. ❤

  7. bromac December 12, 2008 at 11:29 am #

    I’m sorry, oh so sorry. I feel ya 100%, too.

    I think you need your meds adjusted. I don’t think you should be on meds and still in so much pain.

    I hope your weekend will bring you some peace and rest

  8. bromac December 12, 2008 at 11:30 am #

    I’m sorry, oh so sorry. I feel ya 100%, too.

    I think you need your meds adjusted. I don’t think you should be on meds and still in so much pain.

    I hope your weekend will bring you some peace and rest

  9. CharmingBitch December 12, 2008 at 1:35 pm #

    I wish I had more to contribute but all I can say is I’m so sorry you’re hurting. And please, please don’t give up on getting a real answer about the other issues below the belt; you know your body better than anyone.

  10. March December 12, 2008 at 5:08 pm #

    I just want to send you hugs from here, and how I wish I could make it all go away. I really wish I could.

    the making the period going away for good is not a bad idea. something to think of for sure.

  11. Shana December 21, 2008 at 2:47 pm #

    “I wonder when my daughters will know for sure that something is wrong with me.”

    Thordora, why does it matter? And why do you say “wrong”? Everyone has issues; there is not a single child who doesn’t think something is wrong with his or her parents.

    I read your post a while back (your posts always make me think), which made me wonder how much we parents should feel obligated to cover things up in front of our kids. To pretend that everything is fine, when in fact it isn’t. Why should we? Is there a logical reason we should? Why is it so wrong to let our kids know that their parents are humans and have feelings, too?

    I’ve been a bitch all this late morning, watching my husband and the mother of our daughter’s best friend cozy up to each other. I felt left out, disrespected. In front of four little kids. As a result, I have been very short with them; not openly angry, but short. Simultaneously, I’ve been torturing myself, wondering: Even when things look so wrong and I’m just hurting inside, should I act all sunny around my kids if they had nothing to do with it? Why should they suffer a rude mom if it wasn’t their fault?

    Thordora, what can I say. I have no answers. If you have any thoughts on this – whether we should cover up our true selves around kids or act out and risk that they think it’s their fault, it would be greatly appreciated.



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