Sorry for the Hissy Fit

22 Oct

Some of you may have noticed that this site had been protected-my way of not deleting the bloody thing.

Yes Melissa, I am depressed. That lurking, whispering depression that I hate, the little one that fills my lungs, convinces me that no one loves me, that the littlest forgetfulness or slight is a sign that I should pack my bags and head for the hills. That it’s pointless to try and love because I won’t get what I need.

The fact that I’m a festering sore of need that has a thirst that seemingly can’t be quenched hasn’t escaped my notice. I ache with a need I can’t name, or even describe. It’s no one else’s fault, I don’t think. It’s mine for not being able to ever ask for what I need and want. Sometimes it seems easier to be unhappy.

Add to this some “woman troubles” that scare me with possibilities like “cysts”, “cancer”, “etopic pregnancy” and I’m not exactly thinking straight. At least if I died though, of cancer, the mortgage would be paid AND the girls would have my insurance. Silver lining in there somewhere.

I ask my body for it to be nothing, just some stress feeding off my body, a loneliness manifested in a constant purging. I hope. If I prayed, I’d be praying for the ultrasound to find nothing, for the blood tests to be normal. (Which they likely will be, but I always jump right to CATASTROPHE!!!!)

So fighting the minor depression, the “need some extra attention, and maybe a cupcake” is difficult, and nearly resulted in me deleting everything. I’ve become a whining font of need-and no one should have to listen to that for very long.

To brighten your mood, some random stupidity.

And regardless of what someone who cannot be named thinks, THIS is not funny.

Send some love. I needs some.

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18 Responses to “Sorry for the Hissy Fit”

  1. nessa October 22, 2008 at 10:37 am #

    You really could have warned me about that link…. ewwwww….

    I think you are reacting to the health issues pretty normally, Thor. I would absolutely be freaked out about it and worried about the worst. Hang in there, babe…

  2. March October 22, 2008 at 10:49 am #

    dealing with health issues here too… waiting for blood results and a sonogram.
    I’ll pray for you. hopefully it’ll be nothing to worry about, for both of us.

  3. Gwen October 22, 2008 at 11:15 am #

    Here’s some love. Now use it wisely, and ALL on yourself.

    Hope you’re okay!

  4. bromac October 22, 2008 at 11:15 am #

    I’m so sorry to hear about the health problems.

    Fight the depression. You can do it. It’s your brain, not you. Personify the chemicals, then beat the shit out of them.

    Hugs…

  5. Jen October 22, 2008 at 11:22 am #

    Love.

  6. Bon October 22, 2008 at 11:38 am #

    love love. and hope for good news.

  7. Billychic October 22, 2008 at 12:17 pm #

    LOVE
    Sorry I haven’t said howdy in a while.

    xoxoxo
    me

  8. mamatried October 22, 2008 at 1:04 pm #

    Sending love.

    I can only say THANK GOD for the ‘protected’ option. Please don’t even delete your blog as your words are so often quite beautiful and should not be lost.

    I had a biopsy done last Wed and waiting for results. I handle stress in a different way which is being totally in denial. After I left the OB I went to the drug store in a fog and couldn’t remember my debit card pin # (same one I’ve used almost daily for 6 years). Stress does weird stuff to our brains. The waiting sucks too.

  9. charmingbitch October 22, 2008 at 3:23 pm #

    Love love love love – All for you, just for you.

  10. Carin October 22, 2008 at 7:06 pm #

    You’re back! Hang in there, and hopin’ for ya. That’s a lot to deal with all at once. Hopefully you’ll have what happened to a friend of mine. She had a cyst and then somehow, her body just expelled it. She felt like hell, but when they gave her an ultrasound, there was no trace of a cyst, and everything looked good. And please, oh please, tell me a monkey didn’t pee in your mouth, did it? Blink over here thinks that’s what the title says. the closest I came to that was when a donkey peed down my leg. Ug! Oh and when a bird shat on my head, but neither of those would come close to a monkey peeing in your mouth! In the words of Vivian, Eeewww! Gross!

  11. sweetsalty kate October 22, 2008 at 7:38 pm #

    Fair enough reasons to be in a state of hissy. I feel so sporadic as a frirend, commenting copiously on one post, shooting off my mouth, then going relatively silent for a while. I’m a bit fits-and-spurts these days, but know that I’m always here, most often via bloglines, reading and absorbing and thinking of you.

    On another note, I offer these words up for perverted chuckles: FITS AND SPURTS. heh heh.

    And this, which I found today and I’m sure you’ve already seen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyPDHh4d1Xo

    And I have another little pressie to send you. A virtual one. And most definitely one you’ve seen before because you may feel like shit these days but you are, mah darlin, so much cooler than me.
    xoxo

  12. cyroscyros October 22, 2008 at 8:16 pm #

    [This is Cynthia – I’m having trouble with WordPress and I finally gave up on logging in and just created a new account]

    Wanna go out for a drink or something this weekend?

    Also, I have cupcakes 🙂

  13. Marcy October 23, 2008 at 9:17 am #

    love love love love love love love love… (to the tune of the Meow Mix theme…)

    Silence is not automatically negative, despite my suspicions.

    From one yawning gaping hole of unquenchable scary need to another.

  14. Netter October 23, 2008 at 9:52 am #

    Just love. I know where you are and I hope just knowing that we’re here helps.

  15. superlagirl October 23, 2008 at 12:46 pm #

    Ugh. I hate the feeling of Depressed + Random Other Health Troubles. Makes you feel like the universe has it out for you.

    Sending lots of warmth and light your way.

  16. niobe October 23, 2008 at 1:35 pm #

    Life basically, you know, sucks. Not always and not for everyone. But far, far too often and for way too many people.

  17. Kelly O October 23, 2008 at 2:17 pm #

    You are many, many shades of awesome. I hope things shake out soon.

  18. Barbie October 26, 2008 at 3:22 pm #

    How did you get a video of a monkey peeing on your head?

    Hang in there, it will get better. It always does.

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