bzzzGAH!

3 Oct

I’m so agitated and manic this morning, I can’t stand it. and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s not agitated in terms of “gonna hurt someone”-it’s agitation trying to wrestle with the chaotic mess in my brain. I’m grinding my teeth so hard my head feels like it’s about to burst, and I’m afraid to talk to anyone since I know gibberish will come flying out and on top of it, I’m depressed and feeling like shit that way and WOOT! mixed states and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve not taken two Ativan in the last hour. I’m hoping it will help.

I’m a good person in here somewhere, right? I’m not lost to it, am I? I am worth something?

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10 Responses to “bzzzGAH!”

  1. Karen Sugarpants October 3, 2008 at 8:55 am #

    I believe there is a wonderful person in there. I’ve seen her. xo

  2. charlotteotter October 3, 2008 at 9:12 am #

    I’ve haven’t met you, except here, and I know there is a good person in there. Sending you love, Charlotte.

  3. bromac October 3, 2008 at 9:16 am #

    I wonder what’s going on with your meds??? You haven’t talked about mixed states in some time. Sounds like it is time to do some adjusting.

    I have been hypomanic for weeks, but I am not on a mood stabilizer right now either.

    Hang in there and get to the pdoc. You can do this. And, yes, there is a wonderful person in there.

  4. Marcy October 3, 2008 at 9:33 am #

    Absolutely there’s a wonderful person in there.

    Take hold of all the relaxation and mindfulness exercises and skills you can think of.

    Keep telling yourself you don’t have to fix your brain with your brain, and you don’t have to act the way you feel. You can’t fix the situation with will alone. Accepting the reality — the fact that this situation is what it is — is a necessary step on the path out of it.

    Do what needs to be done, one little next thing at a time.

    Breathe.

    I think you might be escalating simply because you’ve been looking for help and answers

  5. Marcy October 3, 2008 at 9:34 am #

    Whoops, didn’t finish my sentence.

    help and answers and they haven’t been forthcoming quickly enough. I don’t mean that in a demeaning way, just as information — I do the same thing.

  6. Kyle October 3, 2008 at 1:41 pm #

    Thor – I know there’s a good person in there. Someone who is genuinely compassionate. Someone who loves passionately. Someone who thinks hard about the important things in her life and the lives of her family. Also, someone who truly inspires other people. Me and my kids are 4 of those people and there are more here on this blog and undoubtedly in real life.

  7. misspudding October 3, 2008 at 1:51 pm #

    You’re wonderful!

    You’re a fabulous person and this is just a little wacky chemistry crap going on in your head.

    I’m sure you just need a little adjustment with the meds. Try deep, deep breathing. Find a quiet, dimly lit room, close your eyes and try to focus on one non-emotionally charged word or phrase for about 15 minutes, breathing in and out, taking in as much air as your lungs will hold and then releasing it, slowly. It’s basically meditation but can really help when you’re all “aaaah!”. I like the word “oak”, personally…

    Good luck.

  8. Kelly O October 3, 2008 at 3:12 pm #

    You are cool and smart and good. xoxo

  9. mamatried October 3, 2008 at 11:19 pm #

    Yes, you are. I hate the phrase but ‘hang in there’ as you’ll see your therapist soon. And this too shall pass. Wish we could all come over and just hang out and make you feel less of what you are feeling.

  10. March October 4, 2008 at 10:38 am #

    you are a beautiful person, and you deserve the best in this world.
    right now it’s hard to see, but it’ll come.
    don’t give up on yourself or your beautiful girls.

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