Barefoot in glass.

8 Sep

Ladytron-Destroy Everything You Touch

Who knew that strength was truly knowing when it’s ok to be weak?

I have trouble with this. I’ve always had trouble with this, with being weak in a safe, normal way, with just allowing myself the luxury of actually feeling things like I should. The safety of allowing stress to through and out of me, instead of circling in my belly for days, shrinking my waist but increasing my chances of ulcers. The safety to be upset and frustrated without it having some higher meaning or purpose behind it.

And where the hell did that come from anyway, my need to give everything meaning and reason? Sometimes we’re just annoyed and irritated and there’s no deep hidden secret behind it. Some things are just annoying, right?

I’m still so very confused over all of this, lacking a map, lacking even the knowledge that anything is working as it should, that I’m being successful. I’m overwhelmed and scared and I feel like I’m walking slowly, barefoot on glass. Tentative, and worrisome, everything in my life plates on sticks, spinning and spinning and spinning.

It will get better, as will, I assume, the headaches.

7 Responses to “Barefoot in glass.”

  1. March September 8, 2008 at 9:45 pm #

    my grandma used to say that its’ very important to know where you want to go, but it’s just as important to know where you don’t want to go.

    even though they did not give you a map, and it feels like noone is there to cheer you on or reassure you that you’re going in the right direction, I believe you know where you want to go and where you don’t want to go.

    walking slowly is good… gives us opportunity to stabilize our steps and maybe enjoy the scenery along the way… slow is good, slow but moving forward.

    it’ll get better, I think you’re doing great, really… no, days are not perfect but they really don’t have to be perfect. at the end of the day, you’re here fighting for them and with them, and things will get better, can’t say when, but it’ll happen.

    one day at a time…

    and yes, sometimes we’re just annoyed for no reason, and that is perfectly ok and very much normal… and remember, normal people are weird 🙂

  2. sweetsalty kate September 8, 2008 at 9:56 pm #

    Much better to walk than to stand in one place. You’re doing a beautiful job of it, and never mind the crunching and occasional ouch. All it means is that you’re moving forward.

  3. Carin September 9, 2008 at 1:44 am #

    Yup, “normal” people get unexplainably pissed off too. So glad to see you allowing yourself to feel things.

  4. Marcy September 9, 2008 at 9:04 am #

    Yes, yes, yes. Reminds me of when I realized that I didn’t have to put my entire life on hold every time a depression hit, to analyze it (worry at it at the expense of everything else) until I resolved it — because even though I did get some insights, usually I didn’t stop the depression — it just passed on its own eventually.

  5. bromac September 9, 2008 at 11:48 am #

    I think the disease contributes to the inability to easily process sress and the like. It’s much easier said than done, in my case anyway. But, just like everything else, awareness and practice will improve the ability to let it go, rather than hold it in and worsen it.

    Hang in there~

  6. Gwen September 9, 2008 at 2:18 pm #

    Would it help to think of it not as weakness but as vulnerability? or honesty? those are two of the bravest traits I can think of.

  7. thordora September 9, 2008 at 8:33 pm #

    Today, full of stress and reacting in all the wrong ways, as usual, but in the middle in my ear started whispering, basically “You’re being an asshole”.

    I didn’t pull down right then, but it made it easier to do so when called on it, easier to recognize the trigger, the poo flinging, the drive and desire to make someone, ANYONE hurt as much as I did.

    Wrong. So terribly terribly wrong it is. And so hard to overcome. A few near miss panic attacks and some ativan and I realized just how much my fault so much is. And how I don’t want to react like that to something bad ever again.

    Strength is as you say Gwen. Knowing when to be honest and let it go, knowing when to say, and how to say “help me-I need you.”

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