A Good Cry, that’s all you need.

2 Sep

Somedays, I want to grab the bipolar in my brain by the throat and throttle it for all it’s worth.

Yesterday, I woke up in a foul mood. For the most part, it had nothing to do with anyone or anything. It was Labour Day weather as I remember it-cold, windy and rainy, and I had a day of children to look forward to, and trust me, that thought didn’t fill me with glee.

I didn’t want to make cupcakes or playdoh. I didn’t want to play, color or run in the sheets of rain on the deck. I wanted to sit, pout and be foul.

I went up one side of myself and down the other. Why so upset? Why so cranky? There’s no reason to be-everything is pretty much as it should be, the kids cranky but no worse than any other day. I was tired, but not super tired. I found myself wanting to cry out of sheer frustration most of the day, for no apparent reason why.

It took til the end of the day, when I finally did have a nice little cry to realize that sometimes, people are just FOUL. That sometimes there really IS no reason for being in a snit, and that this is life.

I’ve spent so long fighting with myself to have reasons for what I feel that I’ve never stopped to contemplate that somedays a little rain and two squabbling children can be enough to make you want to play Uno all day long. I haven’t stopped to feel things like a normal woman in a long time, to just have the feelings I’m having.

How do you all do it? Is it as easy as just looking it square in the face, and moving on? I spent the entire day trying to ignore it and being less than fabulous to my family, when what I should have done was rent Beaches or The Notebook, had a good sob, and moved on. Because once I did that at bedtime, I was quite right. I suppose the valve needs to be let loose occasionally or something. (Note to self-buy girly movies for crying jags)

What pleases me is that this is a lot closer to the normal I once lived, long ago. To needing a good cry once in awhile, but being otherwise stable and normal-which I have been lately. I want to strangle bipolar for this because it’s skewed the context on me-I’m having to swim through pudding. I know what to do, but everything around me feels foreign and I’m having to adjust, and quick. But there’s something freeing about seeing myself again-seeing those feelings, seeing me, and beginning to understand that I DO have the power to control them, and that I DO deserve to control them, that my family deserves this control.

It’s heady, and scary, all at once.

Someone sent me a podcast, a bit loopy and chocolate Flake like, but it kept talking about the emotional blocks we put on ourselves, and how they need to be lifted before we can move on.

Quite right indeed. I think I’m moving one now.


8 Responses to “A Good Cry, that’s all you need.”

  1. March September 2, 2008 at 8:38 am #

    we all need that release valve…
    I do my crying at 4am before the kids wake up, not planned just somehow end up not being able to sleep … by the time the kids wake up they find me with red eyes.

    I always try to hold on to two thoughts when feeling like that:
    a. it’s not their fault. they can’t fix it for me. they don’t understand.
    b. what is it that I want them to remember? (not necessarily a perky person, but this steers me from letting go of all my frustrations on them).

    it’s a work in progress, specially cause you have so many things raw still. one day at a time, one day at a time.

    we don’t usually see it so, but it’s a conscious choice we must make to enjoy, focus on the positives, not dwell on the down sides of things. and it’s a tough choice as our natural instict seems to gloat in our misery (Im speaking of my personal experience).

    we all need a good cry one in a while and some of us need a very good cry quite often… normal is a broad term, remember that.

  2. Bon September 2, 2008 at 9:16 am #

    good for you…keep pushing that block.

    i needed a good cry last night. i should’ve come over to watch that movie.

  3. Hannah September 2, 2008 at 9:34 am #

    i think we all need a good cry from time to time. i remember my mom crying sometimes and she’d tell us that sometimes people just need to feel sad. for me i still really let myself be miserable when it’s called for… i find i get over it faster.

  4. thordora September 2, 2008 at 9:48 am #

    I think I’m learning that. To just have the fucking cry and move on.

    Admitting weakness-my new talent! 🙂

  5. sweetsalty kate September 2, 2008 at 9:54 am #

    I take time-outs. Walks, drives in the car, crying. Afterwards I feel cleansed. emotional colonics.

    I’m so glad that podcast was useful – I’ve listened to a few more now, and really, really like him. I learn something with every one, and I’m not even *that* flaky despite passing it on, in case anyone’s curious:
    http://waltermakichen.blogspot.com/ (also available via iTunes)

    The one Thor listened to was ‘Living with Your Emotions’. Please suspend the obligatory eye-rolling…. try, anyway – once he gets warmed up he’s really very meditative and thought-provoking to listen to.

    Have to go now. It’s time for my daily astral travel. 😉

  6. bine September 2, 2008 at 10:00 am #

    i do have days like this a lot. well, not frequently, but maybe once or twice a month. i do this “going up one side of myself and down the other” and find nothing wrong. sometimes i suspect i have been dreaming badly and my conscious mind doesn’t remember it, but my subconscious does.
    most days now i am able to identify the days when i just need a good cry. if i haven’t snapped out of it by afternoon the boyfriend usually asks what’s wrong and i answer, “nothing, i think i just need a cry today”. that way he’s not overly worried when i do start to cry out of the blue an hour later.

    keep moving those blocks. and look forward to the times when the foreigness of normalcy will start to fade.

  7. Carin September 2, 2008 at 10:29 am #

    Grrr! I had a beautiful comment, but because I have a brand new computer because my last one died, I forgot all the required stuff wasn’t filled in, wordpress yelled at me and then swallowed my comment. Mmm…thoughts. tasty. But what I tried to say was I’m glad you’re able to cry now. I remember one of your medications wasn’t letting you have that release. And I know what you mean about always questioning whether a given feeling is bipolar or just you. It’s so frustrating. For me, it helped to have someone who knew me well and was willing to be honest with me tell me whether or not it looked to him like I was starting to sink again. maybe that’s a weak way to do it, but it’s just nice to know someone out there will tell me if I’m acting kinda cuckoo. Hey, does Vivian go to school today? If that’s the case, maybe somewhere, that was bugging you. Or maybe I’m trying to rationalize it and it was just the crappy day and the rain wasn’t making you feel happy. if anything will make me unexplainably grumpy, it’s rain. Pfff, people shouldn’t say weather doesn’t affect blind folks.

  8. Marcy September 2, 2008 at 10:58 am #

    Another DBT thing — mindfulness, being able to just have the emotion without grappling with it too much and without judging ourselves for having it. A tough task but worth the effort, it seems.

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