Summer brings us today’s post, an in the moment glimpse of what so many of us can relate to in those first months after a new baby.
The flower is called a “star gazer”. This is what he told me, my husband that is, as he brought it in from the farmers market and presented it to me. This is where my over analytical PPD brain jumps in and starts its ride on the merry-go-round of lies.
That is a pointed comment meant to explain to me how lost to him I am, gazing at the stars instead of talking to him. Gazing at the stars instead of listening to our two year old sing twinkle twinkle or remembering to give her a bath more than once a week or brush her teeth ever. Gazing away while our 4 month old lies screaming in her bed because I thought she was tired when she was hungry.
Gazing when I should be showering, dressing, cleaning, cooking, creating, really doing anything except this God awful gazing that is all I can seem to do. Still just gazing when I promised to pay that credit card bill that somehow I forgot about and am now paying a late fee and a higher interest rate. Gazing myself into a being a failure of a parent, spouse, friend, human being of any merit. I should simply not be allowed to fuck this family up to this point all because I’m a useless star gazer. I should not exist. I should end this now.
This is the point at which I either win the fight or I lose. Today it was a draw. I was able to acknowledge that I am not in this alone as much as my head tells me I should be. I made hot chocolate for my 2 year old and poured all the love I have into it. I started over with my 4 month old and let my tears flow with hers instead of wallowing in it alone. Baby steps.
So though I did not get out of pajamas today, still haven’t bathed my kids or myself but I can at least walk out of the lies long enough to admit this simple truth: My husband brought me flowers today because he loves me, star gazers, aren’t they beautiful?