Guest Post 2: Star Gazing

25 Aug

Summer brings us today’s post, an in the moment glimpse of what so many of us can relate to in those first months after a new baby.

Summer blogs at A Shot in the Dark. She’s private but talk nice and she’ll open the door for you.

 

The flower is called a “star gazer”.  This is what he told me, my husband that is, as he brought it in from the farmers market and presented it to me.  This is where my over analytical PPD brain jumps in and starts its ride on the merry-go-round of lies. 
That is a pointed comment meant to explain to me how lost to him I am, gazing at the stars instead of talking to him.  Gazing at the stars instead of listening to our two year old sing twinkle twinkle or remembering to give her a bath more than once a week or brush her teeth ever.  Gazing away while our 4 month old lies screaming in her bed because I thought she was tired when she was hungry. 

Gazing when I should be showering, dressing, cleaning, cooking, creating, really doing anything except this God awful gazing that is all I can seem to do.  Still just gazing when I promised to pay that credit card bill that somehow I forgot about and am now paying a late fee and a higher interest rate.  Gazing myself into a being a failure of a parent, spouse, friend, human being of any merit.  I should simply not be allowed to fuck this family up to this point all because I’m a useless star gazer.  I should not exist.  I should end this now. 

  
This is the point at which I either win the fight or I lose.  Today it was a draw.  I was able to acknowledge that I am not in this alone as much as my head tells me I should be.  I made hot chocolate for my 2 year old and poured all the love I have into it.  I started over with my 4 month old and let my tears flow with hers instead of wallowing in it alone.  Baby steps. 

So though I did not get out of pajamas today, still haven’t bathed my kids or myself but I can at least walk out of the lies long enough to admit this simple truth: My husband brought me flowers today because he loves me, star gazers, aren’t they beautiful?

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7 Responses to “Guest Post 2: Star Gazing”

  1. sweetsalty kate August 25, 2008 at 7:14 pm #

    yes… baby steps.

  2. Marcy August 25, 2008 at 7:34 pm #

    Beautifully written. And yes, keep firm to that voice that identifies and rejects the lies.

  3. March August 25, 2008 at 7:35 pm #

    no matter how small the steps, you’re moving forward.

    and yes, those are beautiful flowers indeed.

  4. bromac August 26, 2008 at 9:03 am #

    So beautiful. My heart aches. Baby steps are huge steps when we hurt like this. Be proud of your successes.

  5. thordora August 26, 2008 at 9:13 am #

    Someone buying me flowers always makes everything better. I should get in the habit of buying myself some. 🙂

    thank you again Summer.

  6. Jupiter August 26, 2008 at 10:10 am #

    Stargazer lillies…beautiful.

    Baby steps are just as valable as giant strides. You’ll get there.

  7. summer August 26, 2008 at 12:05 pm #

    thanks for the encouragement…and thordora I encourage you to definitely buy yourself flowers. I live by the Pike Place Market in Seattle and regularly buy flowers to have in my house (it is a very rare occasion that my husband does this:) and it has been scientifically proven to improve your mood. At this point I’ll take any improvement I can get!

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