Today I struggle.
Today I have woken up delicate and unsure in my shoes, confused and slightly sad. I struggle to keep my head up and find the happy but my brain likes to argue and I’m getting a headache.
I really dislike this feeling, like I’m misplaced somewhere with no one to find me. I prefer feeling confident, and sure. I tell myself I am strong, and willing and good and that this matters. I tell myself that the sadness, the defeat, the gnats of thought that hover over me are illusions I can swat away. To stop overthinking everything, and just be.
I can’t do that. I can’t just sit in a moment and be-it’s frankly more difficult that anything. I can’t stop thinking, I can’t stop worrying. Hell, I even worry that letting go will cause more damage than holding on, that to just “be” I’d miss something important that needed my input and design. But the thinking-where is the line between constructive thought and talk and useless nattering? How do I know?
I’m floating. I want and I want, but I’m lonely in that, and tired, so bloody tired. Being a grown up means less sleep than with a newborn, especially with a 3.5year old insistent on my body next to hers many nights lately. I’m trying, desperately to change myself, but some mornings, like today, it seems pointless and incredibly hard.
I tell myself I want to change for me, and that’s true. I do. But I need to know it’s the right thing, and the best thing and today, as I rose, I just wasn’t so sure.