The Gnats of Thought

20 Aug

Today I struggle.

Today I have woken up delicate and unsure in my shoes, confused and slightly sad. I struggle to keep my head up and find the happy but my brain likes to argue and I’m getting a headache.

I really dislike this feeling, like I’m misplaced somewhere with no one to find me. I prefer feeling confident, and sure. I tell myself I am strong, and willing and good and that this matters. I tell myself that the sadness, the defeat, the gnats of thought that hover over me are illusions I can swat away. To stop overthinking everything, and just be.

I can’t do that. I can’t just sit in a moment and be-it’s frankly more difficult that anything. I can’t stop thinking, I can’t stop worrying. Hell, I even worry that letting go will cause more damage than holding on, that to just “be” I’d miss something important that needed my input and design. But the thinking-where is the line between constructive thought and talk and useless nattering? How do I know?

I’m floating. I want and I want, but I’m lonely in that, and tired, so bloody tired. Being a grown up means less sleep than with a newborn, especially with a 3.5year old insistent on my body next to hers many nights lately. I’m trying, desperately to change myself, but some mornings, like today, it seems pointless and incredibly hard.

I tell myself I want to change for me, and that’s true. I do. But I need to know it’s the right thing, and the best thing and today, as I rose, I just wasn’t so sure.

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8 Responses to “The Gnats of Thought”

  1. Missy August 20, 2008 at 8:30 am #

    The last few days something weird is going on. Every post you write–I get these email meditations every day–you are in some ethereal synchronicity with Richard Rohr. I’ve resisted throwing them out there because–well because they are religious meditations–but the universe is strange sometimes. Here is this morning’s meditation:

    “Greatness emerges when, above all else, people are confident. When we
    believe—together—that life is good, God is good and humanity is good, we become very safe and salutary people for others.

    We do exciting and imaginative things because we are confident that we are a part of a story line that is going somewhere and we want to be connected to something good.” Richard Rohr

  2. Marcy August 20, 2008 at 8:36 am #

    Pointlessness is the bane of my existence. I am slowly learning to believe that the good parts, the meaningful parts, are just as true if not more true than the meaningless and tired of the work parts — that those gnat thoughts are not necessarily my true essence, but a passing mood.

  3. thordora August 20, 2008 at 8:36 am #

    I won’t deny feeling some kinship with the faithful lately-difference is likely a matter of degree in terms of what my gods are. My divinity comes from a different source, but lately I think some things transcend a who or a what and just are.

    And thank you. Christian or not, that is a very good thought. 🙂 For all of us.

  4. sweetsalty kate August 20, 2008 at 9:45 am #

    Wow, that really is a stunning quite by this Richard Rohr person – thanks Missy for sharing it.

    All I had to say is just to give yourself permission to have tired days, and irritated days, and hormonal days, without assigning meaning to those days. No matter how much lightness you’re processing right now – which makes me smile all over – you’re also human, and you can’t possibly be expected to feel profound and confident and pulled-together every single day.

    I really do think that strength and peace derive from shaking off those days – getting through them without making them MEAN SOMETHING about you, without using them to draw conclusions that you’re somehow slipping back to a place you don’t want to be. You can experience those days, breathe through them, but don’t integrate them as some sort of label.

    Like Yo Gabba Gabba says (I’m forever in your debt for introducing such trippy TV gold) : shake it off, shake it off.
    xo

  5. Carin August 20, 2008 at 9:51 am #

    Yeah, what she said…only I wouldn’t have said it so beautifully. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Take your time and be patient with yourself. What’s that, evil voice in my head? Take my own advice? I know, I know. Now go away!

  6. misspudding August 20, 2008 at 12:50 pm #

    I think just the fact that you’re having these thoughts, that you’re questioning what’s right and wrong in your comfort zone, is a good thing. Not everyday is an amusement park, nor is it the opposite, either. It’s just middle ground, some days a little worse, somedays a little better. Apparently you’re on the little worse side today…that’s okay.

    Like the others said, just breathe.

  7. Humwawa August 20, 2008 at 3:43 pm #

    I think, as others have more eloquently expressed, that you are being too hard on yourself. I confess I also think the world, well, it just kinda sucks. It’s sooo hard not to let its ‘suckage’ drown everything else out. Somedays I win, others I loose. Maybe someone out there knows how to win all of the time, but somehow I doubt it. I guess its about increasing the number of days when you do end up on top.

    Your honesty and thoughfulness are deeply moving.

  8. thordora August 21, 2008 at 7:02 am #

    Thank you-all.

    I’ve been someone who struggled to find good for too long. But now, I don’t know how to just settle on something. I miss interpret happiness, and am confused by what I should feel, what I can feel, and how to feel it. Finding a new center is much harder than I would have thought.

    And Yo Gabba Gabba fucking RULES.

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