Fire

12 Aug

There’s hurt in my belly and in my brain, every atom of my body is moving, alive and electric. Each one is likely more angry than it’s ever been.

This was supposed to be forever. This was supposed to be a partnership, a place of safety, of trust.

It has turned out to be none of those things.

I have not been a great person every single day. But I have tried. I have strived to be better, and have never hidden who or what I am, because I do not believe in lies.

However, I have not been treated with the same courtesy, and it’s this very betrayal that digs deepest. That I have been blind enough to believe that I was in love, and was a person who someone was in love with. I know better now.

How little I have been valued. How little our marriage had been valued, our children. It’s all crystal clear now, sadly, and I’m afire. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to try and fix it-I will not beg or plead with anyone who values myself, or my children so little.

But I feel like someone has crushed me-laughed at any progress I have made-let me break so it would be easier on them, so they didn’t have to be the asshole.

I’m torn between knowing I will be just fine without him, and the knowledge that I do not want to be a single mother to two daughters. I hate him so much right now, but am willing to work for my daughters, not just give up and walk away. I don’t believe in giving up-if I believed that, I would have finished myself off at 15, or at the very least last week.

I’m torn between visions of having my own space, for the first time in ten years, and the warmth of having something behind you, unwavering.

The knowledge that this likely wasn’t the truth anymore holds my anger firm.

This was NOT supposed to be my life. I thought I had met my quota for shitty life events. Apparently, I’m going to try and hit each one.

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8 Responses to “Fire”

  1. March August 12, 2008 at 10:04 am #

    our life is never the way it was “supposed” to be… and so many times that is a blessing in itself, as how much we’d miss if we really planned our life the way we all feel inclined to do.

    you can totally be a single mom. I know I’m not officially one, but after so many months alone these past years, I do consider myself one in many ways. and while it’s exhausting to do it all, to be “it” for your children and know that there’s no plan B, you can do it.

    you are a very strong person, you prove that each and every time, acknowledge that in you and give youself a long look in the mirror and see the fighting woman that will prevail over it all.

    no, it won’t be easy, there are so many nights you’ll miss being touched, you’ll miss the comfort of another body against you. and it won’t be pretty. But at the end you will be well with your girls on your own terms.

    you deserve the world, and so do your girls. and it’ll come to you, just not exactly the way you expect it or when you wish it so… life is like that, keeps you on your toes and sometimes it seems trusts us too much.

    it is exhausting, but just because you’re tired does not mean you can give up, specially not for your girls. The best lesson to teach our children about strong independent women is being one.
    and believe me, you are a strong independent woman… you are.

  2. Bon August 12, 2008 at 10:15 am #

    wow. i’m sorry, Thor, for all that seems to have come out of the closet in the past few days. and yet i’m heartened to hear your anger…i’m one of those who believes that anger has uses, if not given too much power to leak acid all over things.

    and you do deserve a partner who is fully in your corner. if, for a while, you have to be your own partner…i think you have the strength.

    but still…i grieve the beliefs you’ve had broken on you.

  3. CharmingDriver August 12, 2008 at 10:29 am #

    I am just so, so sorry you’re going through this but I can tell you that after the shock disbelief and anger wears out (and it will) there is a whole life ahead for you and your girls and it will be fantastic. Use my number anytime, I mean that, friend.

  4. Andrea August 12, 2008 at 10:45 am #

    I’m sorry I missed this when it was breaking (I read you but not every day). I’m sorry for what you’re going through right now.

    I felt the same way many many times–that I never meant to be a single mother, that this was not how my life was supposed to turn out. But here it is, and here I am, and it’s all right. You’ll get there too.

    You can email me if you want.

  5. daureen August 12, 2008 at 2:20 pm #

    Our paths are riddled with tests and hardships! These can stunt or wound us or force us to grow through pain. Inner beauty is a direct reflection of this pain and how we rise above it without losing our ability to love and trust. If we can learn to heal ourselves through these emotional devastations without losing our childish innocence then we can still meet life with an open heart. Our reward is love; our ability to give it, our ability to receive it and our ability to relate with other’s in pain.

    So many of us are going through something… you are not alone. Remember how very strong you are…

    Me ke aloha, (with love)
    Daureen

  6. Gwen August 12, 2008 at 4:09 pm #

    I agree with Bon, that the anger seems like it could be a good thing, a necessarily cathartic thing, even if the reason for it so very sucky (see how I am not nearly as eloquent as Bon?).

  7. Yolanda August 13, 2008 at 12:01 am #

    dig in. dig into what you trust, what you know. invest in you, in your girls. because you have to. because you don’t trust him right now, and you don’t trust yourself with him right now. invest in your girls. he’ll come around later. or he won’t. but you can’t wait for him. because your girls need you.

  8. mercurial scribe August 14, 2008 at 5:34 am #

    I’ll tell you what I’ve been telling myself, despite the fact our situations are so very different: whenever I look into Miri’s eyes, I tell myself “Be the woman you want her to be proud of, to emulate.”

    My other motivational quote du jour: “I am a warrior and warriors do not turn their backs on the battlefield.”

    I chant it to myself, willing myself to keep going. I’ll spare some willing to keep going for you too, if you need.

    Thinking of you.

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