There’s hurt in my belly and in my brain, every atom of my body is moving, alive and electric. Each one is likely more angry than it’s ever been.
This was supposed to be forever. This was supposed to be a partnership, a place of safety, of trust.
It has turned out to be none of those things.
I have not been a great person every single day. But I have tried. I have strived to be better, and have never hidden who or what I am, because I do not believe in lies.
However, I have not been treated with the same courtesy, and it’s this very betrayal that digs deepest. That I have been blind enough to believe that I was in love, and was a person who someone was in love with. I know better now.
How little I have been valued. How little our marriage had been valued, our children. It’s all crystal clear now, sadly, and I’m afire. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to try and fix it-I will not beg or plead with anyone who values myself, or my children so little.
But I feel like someone has crushed me-laughed at any progress I have made-let me break so it would be easier on them, so they didn’t have to be the asshole.
I’m torn between knowing I will be just fine without him, and the knowledge that I do not want to be a single mother to two daughters. I hate him so much right now, but am willing to work for my daughters, not just give up and walk away. I don’t believe in giving up-if I believed that, I would have finished myself off at 15, or at the very least last week.
I’m torn between visions of having my own space, for the first time in ten years, and the warmth of having something behind you, unwavering.
The knowledge that this likely wasn’t the truth anymore holds my anger firm.
This was NOT supposed to be my life. I thought I had met my quota for shitty life events. Apparently, I’m going to try and hit each one.