Pissed Off, Stage 3

11 Aug

First I was clinging to the teat of denial, believing this was just a test, a game, a way of making me suffer and suffer and suffer, as if trying to take my own life hadn’t been bad enough.

Then yesterday, last night, I was uncontrollably sad, crying and lashing and aching.

I didn’t work today. Instead I slept. Within sleep, is renewal, change.

And this morning I woke up fucking pissed off.

I’m pissed off because this isn’t just about it. I have my fault, which are legion. I have been working, actively for over a year to become something different and better. Apparently however, this didn’t work well enough.

My soon to be ex, instead of telling me he was unhappy, spent time, many hours of time online. I can’t tell you how harmless or not harmless this might be, all I know is that my children are alone with themselves until 9 or 10 am every week day because he can’t be bothered to get out of bed after spending a hard night doing lord knows what.

I thought I was in love with this man. I thought that our marriage had most of it’s issues because of me. Yet here I’ve been fucking lied to for lord knows how many months. I worked my fucking ass off, as much as I have been able for him. I thought I was just being paranoid, not that he was actually off doing things.

Worst of all I trusted him. I trusted when he told me he loved me and everything was all right. I trusted him to support me. I trusted that he wouldn’t try to fucking destroy me. You’ve read my posts detailing my love and devotion to him. This has meant NOTHING to him, as evidenced by his continual behaviour over the last 6 months at least. I have my sincere doubts that this truly has anything to do with my bipolar, not in the sense he’s claiming.

I’m am fucking angry. Not at men in general, but that I would have married someone so cold and duplicious as this. I admit my faults freely. He blames his coldness, his abscences on me.

And you know what? Part of me looks FORWARD to being rid of this fucking weight-this creature who has wanted to do nothing more than sit on a fucking computer-never improving our home, never once wanting to improve our comforts, never even being willing to browse the same fucking aisle at the bookstore.

Yet I’m the one unwilling to get involved in “his” hobbies-I bet he can’t even tell you my favorite book, piece of music, artwork.

I want someone who can do these things. I want someone who is interested in what I want, who when I talk about maybe adopting another child in a few years doesn’t laugh and discount it. I want someone who is as interested in my interests as they expect me to be in theirs. I want someone who fucking cares, who wakes up in the morning wondering what new things they can discover.

I was that person once, a very long time ago, and I WILL be her again.

If memory serves from when my mother died, anger is a stage that can stick around. This time, I want to use it to my advantage, to change the me that needs changing, and be a better mother, and woman to my children.

That’s what matters. Nothing more. And if I can’t have the family I’ve had, then I will make my own.

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10 Responses to “Pissed Off, Stage 3”

  1. misspudding August 11, 2008 at 6:24 pm #

    I’m sorry you have to go through this, especially considering all of the amazing hard work you’ve done and how far you’ve come. Like I said before, every single time I think of the woman I knew a couple of years ago, I get a huge fucking smile on my face because of how amazing you are and how you’ve kicked so much ass and HOW FAR YOU’VE COME.

    YOU WILL SURVIVE. YOU WILL THRIVE.

    We all love you, girl.

  2. Hannah August 11, 2008 at 6:38 pm #

    I know I have been silent as you’ve been going through all this. I’ve been here, not knowing what to say that wouldn’t sound trite, or patronizing, or insulting.

    I know that you are angry. But at least I know your spirit is still intact. Be well.

  3. sweetsalty kate August 11, 2008 at 7:12 pm #

    I’ve got a few (okay, many) offline thoughts. I’ll be in touch my dear. Hold tight.

  4. daisybones August 11, 2008 at 8:43 pm #

    I think the proper crunchy mama thing top say is that anger is toxic, but I don’t buy that. I think it can be a highly motivating and empowering emotion. You can channel this and let it fuel you. I’m thinking of you, lots.

  5. March August 11, 2008 at 10:44 pm #

    the strength and clarity you need will be with you. You have three very important reasons to keep yourself healthy and going. The best is yet to come, use that anger as your driving force out of this.
    I’m always keeping you in my prayers and sending you all the good vibes in the world.
    I’m alone because of my weird life, but if I can do it alone you can too, you’re strong, intelligent, loving and every bit capable of getting through this. it won’t be easy nor pink…but you’ll get through it.

  6. barbara August 12, 2008 at 5:43 am #

    Hi,
    I’m coming our mutual friend, Missy.
    If I’m giving you one thing in passing, it is not pity, but STRENGHT; as bloggers help each other.
    You have an excellent sounding board here and I think that it is going to help you in many ways. My Dad didn’t have the same; he was bipolar, and I was again and again there ; in joy,laughter,despair and fear.
    I can say that each day is a new experience.

    You do have the right to be angry . When a woman gives her love and devotion,she wants the same back. It’s only natural.

    Wishing you good things to come in life.

  7. Gabriel... August 12, 2008 at 6:28 am #

    1. shock
    2. denial
    3. bargaining
    4. guilt
    5. anger
    6. depression
    7. hope

    There’s a need in situations similar to this to build up the faults of the other person to minimize ours. You’ve made a lot of progress this year in making yourself better. No doubt as you do get better, and as you start to see the behaviours you’ve been exhibiting all this time that piss everyone else off, you’ll start to see behaviours in others that piss you off.

    This is what I meant when I wrote about being in a relationship with an untreated manic depressive. When they start to get better, when we start to get better, we become different people. And the thing about being untreated is when we get treatment we don’t know who we’re in a relationship with because, for the most part, the disease leaves us deaf, dumb and blind.

    I’ve never met either of you and I am definitely not trained in marriage counselling, but it seems to me that on a lot of levels the two of you are basically starting from scratch. So when you’re both finished with your seven steps, and things have calmed down a little, maybe just start figuring out what it was that connected you in the first place.

  8. thordora August 12, 2008 at 8:05 am #

    There’s no starting over for him-his willingness to fight for this was apparently already over with, while I kept thinking I was in love.

    While I do believe that a lot of this has to do with how I’ve reacted to the changes in me, good or bad, I can’t do anything to save my marriage or my family. I’ve had that chance taken from me.

    At this point, I just don’t want to see him ever again, because I’m sick of being faced with my idiocy over and over again. Being with someone who not only lied about loving me but couldn’t give me the decency of trying to work shit out-I’m actually embaressed for myself.

    I am worth more than this. I knew that waking up in the hospital last week, and I know it now. I, and my daughters, are worth much more than this shit.

  9. niobe August 12, 2008 at 9:14 am #

    I’m sitting here, groping for words. All I can say is that I know how it feels to be lied to so many times that you no longer know what the truth really is.

    Stupid as it sounds, I’m thinking of you .

  10. mercurial scribe August 14, 2008 at 5:30 am #

    Holy crapola. I take a break from the blogsphere and the crap hits the fan!

    I am so sorry. I’m sorry you must go through this, I’m sorry you’re hurting. But, my goodness, you are strong. It takes so much to keep loving when your partner has clearly given up – you did that. That’s not idiocy, that’s a trusting, loving spirit. It is proof of your worthiness – you care, you fight because you care.

    I’m here if you ever need me. Email me, comment me, Tweet me, whatever. I’m here. I wish I could offer you more during this horrible time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the girls.

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