And…

10 Aug

we’re done.

I finally managed to actually break my own heart.

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29 Responses to “And…”

  1. Carin August 10, 2008 at 8:42 am #

    Sorry to hear it ended this way. I won’t say things will work out, because I know that’s not helpful. But you will survive. You will survive. You will…

  2. Jennifer August 10, 2008 at 9:27 am #

    I’m sorry Thor.

  3. Lala August 10, 2008 at 9:37 am #

    damn, I’m really sorry
    the emptiness….is scary

  4. theclevermom August 10, 2008 at 9:48 am #

    I’m sorry.

  5. Gwen August 10, 2008 at 9:55 am #

    I’m really sorry, Thor. So sorry.

  6. Jen August 10, 2008 at 10:10 am #

    I’m so sorry.

  7. Eden August 10, 2008 at 11:27 am #

    I’m also sorry for you all. Who knows though? Maybe coming out the other side will result in a relationship that works for everyone and keeps some semblance of the best aspects of what you have/had.

  8. Bon August 10, 2008 at 12:21 pm #

    i’m sorry, Thor. so sorry.

  9. charlotteotter August 10, 2008 at 12:22 pm #

    I’m so sad and sorry. But I second what Eden says.

  10. cinnamon gurl August 10, 2008 at 12:45 pm #

    I’m so sorry.

  11. CharmingDriver August 10, 2008 at 1:09 pm #

    Gosh, T. I am so, so sorry. Emailing you my phone number – Use at will, please.

  12. Marcy August 10, 2008 at 1:31 pm #

    Sad for all of you. Praying peace in the grief, strength and courage for next steps, and thick soft fuzzy blankets of safety all around the little ones especially (including the ones inside you both).

  13. thordora August 10, 2008 at 1:47 pm #

    THis is quite possibly the worst week of my life since my mother died. Made worse by the fact that I’m old enough to know exactly what is happening and why.

    Knowing the stages of grief isn’t helping either.

    I feel like a fool for loving without reason, for putting myself out there, and I wonder if I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again after this.

    I’m trying to be rational, but I’m basically in a state veering between murderous rage and hysterical sadness. I like neither.

    Thank you all for your support. Oddly, dying isn’t at all on my mind, which for me, is a good sign.

  14. meredith August 10, 2008 at 2:01 pm #

    I have thought about you for days. Randomly, at times that surprise me. I am so sorry.

  15. Missy August 10, 2008 at 3:13 pm #

    I feel like a fool for loving without reason, for putting myself out there, and I wonder if I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again after this.

    You better stop and think about what you’re telling yourself.

    Find some help to get through this.

    We’re here for you, but we’re not there. You need support.

    Don’t you dare crawl into a hole.

  16. thordora August 10, 2008 at 4:29 pm #

    I start therapy again on Wednesday. But I have to live the next few months with him still in my house, and I’m not sure the two will go together well.

  17. flutter August 10, 2008 at 4:50 pm #

    I am so sorry, hon. So sorry.

  18. Carin August 10, 2008 at 7:49 pm #

    Oh oh oh I feel that. I had to do that too, live with him after we broke up. I still look at those months of the blog and they are covered with a shroud of darkness. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist. It will do nothing but good things, if only for that hour that you’re there. *ouch* I feel your pain.

  19. sweetsalty kate August 10, 2008 at 8:16 pm #

    Oh, thor. I’m sorry too. You wrote about loving without reason, and putting yourself out there, and the question of being able to trust again after this.

    …which made me think of Mogo. He’s been scared one too many times by the beast, I wonder – and perhaps is tired of being afraid for you, afraid for the girls (I’m speculating here but bear with me). And so distance, to him, might be self-preservation, withdrawl for the sake of what he sees as constancy. Like you said, he may just be exhausted… but not of you, just of the turmoil.

    My point is that I don’t want you to see this as a shortfall in YOU. From here this feels like love-based fear, not disinterest or incompatibility. I just think that’s an important distinction to make, because I don’t want you to blur the lines between you (vibrant, stimulating, funny you) and the beast.

    I’m so glad you’re starting with therapy. I hope so much for you that it’s a good fit, because it would be so amazing for you to have a touchstone that’s relevant and objective.. someone who could give you a framework for tackling that fear, and focusing on that fantastic list of yours.

  20. Jennifer August 10, 2008 at 8:49 pm #

    Been thinking about you today. Kate however is more articulate in saying what I wanted to. I wanted to add one more thing though, you don’t need to answer this.

    I wonder if Mogo is trying to preserve himself. Bear with me for a moment.

    His wife has tried to kill herself. The woman he wants to spend his life with, half of his heart wants to die, and doesn’t feel that life is worth living, that HE is worth living for.

    So, is he backing off? Trying to protect himself from the inevitable?

  21. humwawa August 10, 2008 at 9:14 pm #

    I am so sorry that you have this to endure.

    I think love is never without reason, that no matter how much one ends up hurt and betrayed, that to love is better than not to. To reach and fall is better than not to reach. Otherwise it’s a dark place. To risk Love is just as much for yourself as for the other.

    That said, I’ve spent 30 years not beleiving the above and I still sometimes can’t.

    But what you have written here on your blog, over all this time, says to me that you have so much to give and so much to get.

  22. thordora August 10, 2008 at 9:17 pm #

    I wish it were that simple.

    For the sake of brevity, I’ve apparently been living a lie for quite a few months-only I didn’t know it. I knew things weren’t perfect, but hell, who’s marriage is? I thought we were still in love.

    This is merely the seagull landing on the top of the iceburg.

    But he is tired. That kind of tired that ends things. And nothing I say or do can change any of it, and my body misses the echo that is, and I stare at my children, wondering what we’re doing and I try to figure out if I was ever good to him in the first place.

    My head is not a good place to be right now.

  23. Yolanda August 11, 2008 at 12:27 am #

    i don’t have any words for you. none that can make anything better.

    i’m so sorry. this is a turning point. no one likes those. change is in the air. life-altering change. and no one likes that either. the shortest way through something is not to go around it.

    so dig in. dig those heels in. you can get through this.

  24. March August 11, 2008 at 10:43 am #

    oh my gosh!
    I’m so truly sorry to learn this. so really sorry. don’t know what else to say. so he’s not willing to work at it anymore?? marriage is tough, and love is not enough to keep it working I stronly believe that, you need so much more than love to make things move in a marriage, love is the basis, but not enough. is he not willing to even try to move on together?

  25. cori August 11, 2008 at 11:35 am #

    I’m so sorry, Thor. Email me anytime. Sending love and strength your way.

  26. thordora August 11, 2008 at 1:13 pm #

    @ March. Apparently we’re past help, and he refuses. I guess I just need to move on.

  27. Mad August 11, 2008 at 1:48 pm #

    Thor,
    Is your dad coming out to help you through this? It’s hard enough being a Mom to two young ones, let alone trying to parent through this–especially with school on the horizon for the birthday girl. I know the girls adore your dad. I hope that he can help ease much of the day-to-day stress and sorrow for everyone.

  28. Marcy August 12, 2008 at 11:20 am #

    It is good for you to realize your head is not a good place to be right now. Keep reminding yourself of that, and make as much time as you can for headless activities and restfullnesses… whatever you can do to speak comfort to your heart, to hug yourself, to turn off (however temporarily) the analysis.

    Echoing hopes that your therapist will be a good solid fit for you, and if not that they will recognize it quickly and help you find someone better.

    It’s odd, but this actually sounds like it’s going to bring some life back to you that you’ve been missing for a while. I’m not saying breaking up is wonderful, but that some of what you’ve written about it holds a lot of promise — lots of potential darkness, too, but some amazingly hopeful light.

  29. thordora August 12, 2008 at 12:02 pm #

    Oh Marcy…you have no idea how much I believe that too. A lion has roared to life who had been smothered by a lamb.

    Thank you, ALL for your support. It means much more than I could say.

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