In my head I am:
foolish:crazy:sad, heartbreakingly sad: devoted: angry: broken: wrong: deceitful: mean-spirited: shut-off: lonely: dire: lost, whirlygig lost: confused: pained: accosted: pried open.
Mostly, I feel alone.
All of you are here for me, I know that. But I believe I’ve done gone done something terribly horribly wrong, and I’ve lost my marriage forever. It feels broken. I’m told it can’t be fixed.
And yes Virginia, it’s my fault. For once I will admit that loudly, with no sarcasm, and no fences. I fucked myself.
I have been so proud to have had a marriage that worked, to come home to the faces of my family. But I’ve never been able to say it, not enough. I’ve never been able to appreciate the love and support I have received these many years from my husband. I’ve been able and eager to point out shortcomings. But so inept at saying “Thank you-you’ve been here for me and I love you for it.”
Does it matter now if I say it? I don’t know. I do know that I woke up yesterday knowing I was wrong. That I had somewhere, made massive mistakes, and that I wanted to fix things. In my madness, I was unable to see the goodness in front of me. And I have hurt him so very much, and I have scarred him and now I fear he’s closed off to me forever. And I do love him-I love him so much that I cry every time I utter or think the words, and think what the rest of my life could be without him. He has been my guide, my rock and my protector. And now I think I’ve lost him and I can’t bear the thought.
I am not a good person. I have taken my husband for granted, I have heaped derision upon him, I have blamed him. I have said things I did not mean to try and get at him. I have been a fucking horrible, rotten wife and now it’s time to pay the toll it seems.
I don’t know what will happen, but when I see the closed down look in his beautiful brown eyes, I truly want to die. No one is worth dying for, but I just can’t imagine living without him.
I am trying to be strong. I am trying to be positive, keep my head up. But I ache with fear. I’ve never loved anyone like I love him.
I want to change. I want to be a better person, a happier person, a person who doesn’t leap to the insult first. I know I’ve become callous and foul over the last year. I’ve been wanting to change that about me anyway. I want to be better. I want to treat him better, as he deserves.