Yes, it was me.

6 Aug

In my head I am:

foolish:crazy:sad, heartbreakingly sad: devoted: angry: broken: wrong: deceitful: mean-spirited: shut-off: lonely: dire: lost, whirlygig lost: confused: pained: accosted: pried open.

Mostly, I feel alone.

All of you are here for me, I know that. But I believe I’ve done gone done something terribly horribly wrong, and I’ve lost my marriage forever. It feels broken. I’m told it can’t be fixed.

And yes Virginia, it’s my fault. For once I will admit that loudly, with no sarcasm, and no fences. I fucked myself.

I have been so proud to have had a marriage that worked, to come home to the faces of my family. But I’ve never been able to say it, not enough. I’ve never been able to appreciate the love and support I have received these many years from my husband. I’ve been able and eager to point out shortcomings. But so inept at saying “Thank you-you’ve been here for me and I love you for it.”

Does it matter now if I say it? I don’t know. I do know that I woke up yesterday knowing I was wrong. That I had somewhere, made massive mistakes, and that I wanted to fix things. In my madness, I was unable to see the goodness in front of me. And I have hurt him so very much, and I have scarred him and now I fear he’s closed off to me forever. And I do love him-I love him so much that I cry every time I utter or think the words, and think what the rest of my life could be without him. He has been my guide, my rock and my protector. And now I think I’ve lost him and I can’t bear the thought.

I am not a good person. I have taken my husband for granted, I have heaped derision upon him, I have blamed him. I have said things I did not mean to try and get at him. I have been a fucking horrible, rotten wife and now it’s time to pay the toll it seems.

I don’t know what will happen, but when I see the closed down look in his beautiful brown eyes, I truly want to die. No one is worth dying for, but I just can’t imagine living without him.

I am trying to be strong. I am trying to be positive, keep my head up. But I ache with fear. I’ve never loved anyone like I love him.

I want to change. I want to be a better person, a happier person, a person who doesn’t leap to the insult first. I know I’ve become callous and foul over the last year. I’ve been wanting to change that about me anyway. I want to be better. I want to treat him better, as he deserves.

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14 Responses to “Yes, it was me.”

  1. misspudding August 6, 2008 at 8:53 pm #

    I don’t know what you think you did or what you did do.

    What I will say is that I think you’re human. Because of that, you deserve love. I don’t know what exactly is going on for you right now, but swallowing something to try and off yourself means that it’s a little bigger than you and Mogo and the girls can handle.

    Please talk to someone. Talk to all of us who are willing to listen, but more importantly please talk to a professional that you trust. Coming from the “I don’t trust 99.9% of people” camp (I’m a founding member!), I know that will probably be difficult, but please try and find someone.

    Love can’t always fix things, Thor. I know that.

  2. Bon August 6, 2008 at 10:01 pm #

    i think that bearing the thought that you’ve lost him may be the thing you HAVE to do, for awhile, at least, Thor. i get the horribleness of that, at least a bit. the rawness of this post – and the honesty and ownership in your voice here – make me want to wrap you up in something soft and make it all better, helpless and useless though i am…but it sounds as though his trust in your marriage was seriously shaken the other night, and he will need his own time to grieve that and consider whether the damage is final. it is a terrible thing to have no control over whether your marriage survives. you’re there now. he was there Monday night. for either of you to heal, you’re going to have to bear him taking his time to process what probably feels like betrayal, all while you’re still coping with the original issues that sent you to the place you were Monday.

    it’s an understatement, i guess, to say that’s going to be hard. Thor, i know you have strength…i’m just so sorry for all this hurt and struggle along the way. i hope you and Mogo are able to find a place of trust, in time. and i so hope you find healing, and the happier change you want to work towards…just for you.

  3. Missy August 6, 2008 at 10:14 pm #

    Oh man, Thor, I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time of it right now.

    I don’t really know what to say.

    As long as he’ll listen, keep telling him you love him and you’re sorry.

    Keep trying to step into that other character. The one you want to be. It’s in you, or you wouldn’t want it.

  4. Carin August 6, 2008 at 10:26 pm #

    Even if you lose him for a while, you may be able to get him back. That sounds so stupid, I know, but it could happen. I know what I went through was singin’ in the rain compared to what you’re dealing with, but I lost Steve for a while because I was just too difficult to deal with. We had a big old fight over nothing, and for the next three weeks I cried and said I was sorry and did everything I could to convince him that I was better, but the whole time, my whole insides were churning churning churning. They knew his were too. He left me. The fight was the straw that broke the camel’s back for him. For me, it was just a stupid fight. So there I was, alone for a while. I straightened out the pills that I needed to, and we figured out a lot of the shit I was doing was made far, far worse because the pills I was taking weren’t doing what they were supposed to, and he saw the me he fell in love with. Moral of the story is we’re back together and closer than ever.

    I know that’s not much consolation, but I’m stumblingly trying to say that nothing is final and sometimes things happen not so much to make us pay the toll, but to teach us lessons about ourselves and our own strength, not like you need any more of that. Thinking of you, hoping things work out better than you anticipate, but knowing whatever happens, you will make it! You will! Please remember the feeling you had when you realized you wanted to live. I wish we could put that in a bottle. And I hope you find some good help. It’s hard as hell to find, I know.

  5. sweetsalty kate August 6, 2008 at 11:08 pm #

    I can only echo what Bon said, every word. And say again that maybe after a few days or however long it takes for both of you to be able to breathe a little bit again (after what happened on Monday), I hope so much that you both can find someone to help you both through this.

    If you’re both able to set aside cynicism or discomfort with the idea of therapy (which anyone has to do in order to try it, amd keep trying it, in the interest of finding the right voice and approach) … you may well look back on this a year from now and say, “Holy crap. WHY did we not do this five years ago?” because it’s opened up so much in your relationship and in your family.

    That’s what I hope for you. That this is rock bottom, and that once you both have the fortitude, you begin the work of going up.

  6. flutter August 7, 2008 at 2:01 am #

    love what you are. It is the only way.

  7. bromac August 7, 2008 at 8:53 am #

    Oh, Thor, I have been gone all summer and had no idea. I am so sorry this is happening. Last I read, you were stable and all was well. I am so sorry, love.

    You have recognition, though. Recognition, it seems, you haven’t had before. I am confident Mogo will be able to see that. And, as others said, it will not be easy or simple or short, but maybe he will see you see your errors and he will try again.

    It is the hardest part. Trusting. Being vulnerable. It is like there is a clamp on your mouth, preventing you from apologizing, taking accountability. It is fucking physical work.

  8. Marcy August 7, 2008 at 9:09 am #

    Everyone has said it so well, especially Bon.

    I think it’s impressive that none of the scorn and insults and derision have shown up here on your blog — only the beautifully poetic tributes that have come so often that I’m sure I haven’t been the only one jealous of your marriage.

    Yes. Accepting the reality of where you both are right now, and taking responsibility for your part but fighting off the temptation to take his responsibility too, is the difficult task ahead.

    And YES — it’s beyond both of you right now and you need to go get the help.

  9. theclevermom August 7, 2008 at 9:27 am #

    Put out of your mind whther you’ve lost him or not and begin to work on being the best person you can be. I know your instinct is to wan to run away from it and that you feel hopeless right now, but squash that feeling; it will only lead to destructive behaviour.

    Today is the first day of the rest of your life, use it to start building yourself. Find the kernel of strength inside you and start your own glorious becoming. Your husband will join you when he feels ready to trust.

  10. thordora August 7, 2008 at 9:31 am #

    ok, y’all need to stop making me cry at work. That’s an order.

    The level of support and love you have all shown me-I’m blown away, and totally undeserving. Thank you.

  11. Mad August 7, 2008 at 11:15 am #

    Thor. I don’t want to speak too quickly but in my gut I feel that you may need to take an issue this big offline and into the office of a professional–or several professionals. It’s not that you’re not supported out here; it’s just that what you are going through is simply too big. If Mogo is feeling hurt and betrayed, he may prefer having you shy away from such an open forum. That’s not to say you shouldn’t keep blogging or seeking community out here, but that can only be the scratch and not the cure.

  12. Gwen August 7, 2008 at 12:02 pm #

    Mad’s one smart cookie.

    And T, I am so so so sorry that you’re dealing with this right now. I love and admire your honesty and your ownership of who and what you are, and I hope you can find that love again, too. My heart is all kinds of broken for you.

  13. B August 7, 2008 at 1:03 pm #

    Is there a better love note than the one that you just wrote for him? It’s beautiful, Thor. I can only hope to be loved as much one day.

    I’m with Bon: whatever you did or think you did, can’t erase how much you obviously love this man, your children, and your life. As my psychiatrist once told me, “You aren’t a stupid woman. You know how to take your own life if you really wanted to. The fact that you haven’t means that you are desperately trying to hold on to life that you have.”

    My heart is with you, even at work, even while crying. I’ve been crying at my computer screen more than once at work. Hell, for a while it was once or twice a day. It will pass. This will pass. You will no longer exist in a state of coping. You will live.

  14. March August 7, 2008 at 10:54 pm #

    oh my gosh!
    I did not have internet for a few days, and I’m so sad to hear you’ve been in such turmoil.
    I’ll be praying for you, for the strength and patience you need to be by your side.
    I so wish I could give you a warm cup of coffee and a hug.

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