62.5 ml/hr

6 Aug

Monday night I tried to kill myself.

After starting yet another conversation I didn’t mean, one that looks to ruin my life utterly, I swallowed a bottle of Tylenol. Then realized what an utter fucking fool I am.

2 cups of charcoal, multiple violent vomitings, and 20 hours on a drip to save my liver and I know what matters in my life again, and how stupid and foolish I’ve been.

Trouble is, I think I’ve already pushed it away. Soon, I will have nothing, and what will be the point then?

See letter writers? I’m not smart or brave or any of that. I’m just a fucking moron who can’t get anything right, just a fucking idiot who breaks her own heart.

Sometime love just isn’t enough to deal with the fucking mess that I am.

39 Responses to “62.5 ml/hr”

  1. sweetsalty kate August 6, 2008 at 9:05 am #

    Oh my god Thor.

    Please don’t loathe yourself so much. Please keep talking, even if you’re going through a phase where you suck at it and keep making mistakes.

    DO NOT stop talking.

    DO NOT stop writing.

    DO NOT forget that it doesn’t matter one bit who you think you are. It only matters who the rest of the world thinks you are.

    You are this:

    And you are cherished.

    And because of that, I’m pissed off this morning, and I don’t know what to say. I’m angry at whatever beast that lives in your head won’t leave you and your family the fuck alone already.

    Keep talking. Please. Love to mogo and the girls, and to you.

  2. CharmingDriver August 6, 2008 at 9:05 am #

    T, you may be a mess right now but you’re not a mess that cannot be helped I’m still standing and if I can find something to live for or at least realize nothing is worth dying over, you can find it, too. I promise and I swear it gets better, it can get better and there is joy waiting out for you, too.

    You’re worth it, T. Your girls are worth more than having a memory for a mother and I say that not to guilt you or to hit you below the belt but at the end of the day regardless of your own history, your girls need a mother. I know you did too and I am so, so sorry that she was taken from you but please don’t give your babies the same fate.

    It isn’t about being smart or brave and it certainly isn’t about being a moron. It is about brain chemistry, pure and simple. Please let’s not allow a chemical equation to stand between your life and death.

    I love you Thordora and you are worth the effort to keep going.

  3. thordora August 6, 2008 at 9:07 am #

    I just can’t do it alone. And I’ve pushed my family away to the point that it wants me gone. and I can’t do it.

  4. Lala August 6, 2008 at 9:10 am #

    damn it, damn it damn it damn it. I wish there was something we could do for you. i just don’t know what to say…..

  5. daisybones August 6, 2008 at 9:23 am #

    That’s it:

    “I’m angry at whatever beast that lives in your head won’t leave you and your family the fuck alone already.”

    … and I know you feel that too, and so do they. Don’t mistake this chemistry for You. Keep doing the hard work and fight for yourself, and your family. Please?

    Love to you, so much.

  6. Candy August 6, 2008 at 9:28 am #

    Thor, I’m not sure what to say. I read every day, but I don’t always comment. I’m so sorry for the pain you feel, but it’s never too late when it comes to family. I truly believe that. You may have to work harder to gain their trust back, but in the end they never leave you. Not entirely. Just open yourself up to them, and let them help you.

  7. Mad August 6, 2008 at 9:34 am #

    I’m so sorry. I don’t really know what else to say other than I hope that the medical profession can offer some more concrete help and that you can find peace here on earth soon. And look at Kate’s photo. Look hard. See that amazing woman.

  8. sweetsalty kate August 6, 2008 at 9:47 am #

    “I just can’t do it alone. And I’ve pushed my family away to the point that it wants me gone. and I can’t do it…”

    I take issue with this. They don’t want you gone. They want the beast gone.

    And wouldn’t you, if you were them?

    Don’t mistake their frustration and exhaustion and fear for them wanting you gone. They only feel all those things because they’re fed up with the tease os losing you.

    I know you know this already, but it has to be said. You rmother died of cancer and you still feel that sting in every fibre of your being. Now imagine that she killed herself. What would you have told yourself, as her child, had that happened? What life would you be weaving for your girls with such a legacy?

    It may be in bad taste to say such a thing to you – it’s not that I’m trying to amp up the self-loathing that you already feel. I know you feel guilty, and the last thing you need, perhaps, is someone reminding you of how you’d hurt your family if the beast won.

    But it’s foremost in my mind, so I’ll risk bad form to say it. Do not forget yourself as a girl, a child, and what brand the absence of your mom has left on your skin. Now imagine feeling at fault for it, as a child would.

    Okay, that’s enough of that. I’m sorry. I think my own frustration is coming out, what must be a sliver of how mogo and the kids feel.

    What I can tell you is that it comes from love: almost frantic, desperate need to have you in their lives.

  9. sweetsalty kate August 6, 2008 at 9:49 am #

    …and please, please, try to get help again, as mad said. Structured, medical help. Call in the troops, okay?

  10. Helen August 6, 2008 at 9:51 am #

    Thor, I’ve only “known” you a short time, but am shocked and so sorry to read what you just wrote.

    I want to share this with you: that there are very, very few wounds that time cannot heal. I have said many terrible things to people I love, including my husband, children, friends, and colleagues… and you know what? Eventually, they do forgive and forget. Especially if they know how sorry you are.

    You are not in this alone. Your family and friends, including your internet family and friends, are all cheering you on. You must know that!

  11. Humwawa August 6, 2008 at 9:58 am #

    I’ve lurked here for a while, and I am so sorry for your pain.

    For a moment, the beast won, your brain didn’t work, you lost your you. But you’re here, alive. And that moment doesn’t erase all of those other moments when you won, when you kept going. One action doesn’t define a person. And that voice, the death voice, can be soooo loud.

    This too will go away. You’ve done a thousand good things for your familty. They may need time to remember them, they may be angry that you aren’t 100% OK, but from my experience they come back. From what you’ve written here on your blog, they’ll come back.

  12. cj August 6, 2008 at 10:07 am #

    Sorry to hear this.
    Sometimes it takes something really bad like this to happen to clarify what the important things really are. I lost everything important to me once and slit my wrist in the middle of it. But things can get better if you’re willing to try.
    Whatever you do, don’t lose your hope.

  13. jen August 6, 2008 at 10:33 am #

    oh sister. good god, sister.

    i hope, hope, hope that you are able to listen to the words of love, both here and in your life. it’s what kate said, they don’t want you gone, they want the beast gone.

    i am so sorry you are in so much pain.

  14. B August 6, 2008 at 11:36 am #

    Living can be an act of defiance. Don’t think about your kids, your legacy, your family right now, all that can come later. I disagree with people that tell parents that they should go on living for the sake of their children. Living for someone else will never be enough. Live for you. Live for the moments that you’ve had and the moments that you can’t even imagine in the future. They will be there if you are there to see them.

    We’re here and we’re listening. I’m here and I’m listening. You will make it through this.

  15. Caitlin August 6, 2008 at 11:49 am #

    Thor, I wish I could wave my hand and the bipolar would be gone. But I can’t, so all I can do is remind you that you’re human too – you’re allowed to make mistakes, even big ones.

    I don’t think that you’ve pushed your family away. I’ve been on the other side. Sometimes I just didn’t know what to do and was afraid of making things worse. If I was distant to him, it was because the thing most precious to me was fragile and I didn’t trust my ability to pick it up without breaking it.

    From what you’ve written about your family, I think that you are similarly precious to them and they don’t want to lose you. They also need some time to deal with this. It’s hard watching someone you love slipping away and being afraid of not being to break their fall in time.

    I am glad you are still here and I wish there was something more I could do. *hugs*

  16. Jennifer August 6, 2008 at 12:06 pm #

    Oh sweetie, this breaks my heart. Do you not realize how much you are valued? How much the world would suffer for your absence? I wish there was a magic pill to take away the hurt for you.

  17. cinnamon gurl August 6, 2008 at 12:46 pm #

    Oh Thor. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Seriously. The woman I met in May (YOU!) is so vibrant and has so much energy, so much to offer. I wish you could see that. I second everything Kate said.

  18. cori August 6, 2008 at 1:26 pm #

    I am so sorry that you’re feeling so awful. I second everything that Kate said, too, and hope that you can find whatever you need to be well and feel whole again.

    Sending lots of love your way.

  19. thordora August 6, 2008 at 2:40 pm #

    All of this seems to have been the tip of an iceburg. And i fear, very much, that I’ve destroyed what I had.

    Every inch of me aches just to hear that in my ears, and saddens me to the point that I can’t cry. I can’t lose the only things that matter to me. But I might have already.

  20. Jen August 6, 2008 at 2:51 pm #

    I wish I knew what to say to set things right again. I just want very much for you to beat this, be whole again, see in yourself the things we all see. I’m thinking about you, and if I could I’d carry some of the hurt so you could get a break from it.
    love love love.

  21. Carin August 6, 2008 at 3:15 pm #

    Would Mogo go with you to counselling? *scratches into the deepest recesses of my brain to remember if you had bad luck with that*. I just agree with the hope that they’re just frustrated with the beast and not you. Sometimes it’s hard to separate the two, but it can be done, and a neutral voice can help. I’m glad you’re still with us! Fight the demon!

  22. magdalena August 6, 2008 at 4:19 pm #

    I’m thinking of you Thor. Smart, brave people who are sick sometimes do things to hurt themselves; and that is not okay, but again, a moment in time does not define who you are. This illness that overwhelms you is not you!
    What is lost can always be found again, including hope.

  23. Marcy August 6, 2008 at 4:19 pm #

    Thordora… I pray for your safety and comfort, and wisdom, courage, patience, and help for you and your family.

    You fear… you self-sabotage… what you fear happens… you are powerful and afraid of your power?

    You have done a lot to take care of yourself, and as everyone above says, it’s time to marshal the forces and continue taking care of yourself and getting the care you can’t give yourself. And I hope the others involved get the help and care they need as well, and that the path of reconciliation and healing and let’s work through this yet some more stays clear and open, however narrow and steep.

    I so understand that fear that being who you are at any given moment can destroy everything and everyone else around. That fear is a partial truth — we do affect others — but it’s also a powerful lie — we are not responsible for others, and others’ reactions and feelings and all cannot destroy us.

  24. Bon August 6, 2008 at 4:44 pm #

    oh Thor…oh. i hurt for you, over here.

    that fucking bipolar. and the awful reality that getting help hasn’t been very helpful, has made you feel let down before…dude, what a despairing place.

    but i second the chorus wanting to let you know that you’re loved. i don’t know what else to say, friend…i wish i did. i imagine your family are scared and frustrated and angry…but like Kate said, with the disease/the beast, which is not you. not the sum of you, by any means. i know it’s a battle, but i hope you are able to come to the place where you can keep winning that battle.

  25. thordora August 6, 2008 at 4:49 pm #

    I don’t think my family can see past the disease anymore. I’m alone with this. Utterly alone with it.

  26. Marcy August 6, 2008 at 4:51 pm #

    You had a good hospital stay before — would another one be helpful now? Give you all a little more space, for one thing, for a while, and a respite from this weighty responsibility.

  27. thordora August 6, 2008 at 4:59 pm #

    I’d be ok if the love of my life didn’t want to leave me.

  28. cinnamon gurl August 6, 2008 at 5:49 pm #

    The love of your life needs to take care too. The thing about mental illness is your loved ones can’t pull together and come closer to you without risking getting sucked into and controlled by the mental illness too. I really believe your family hasn’t given up. But perhaps this is a path you need to walk yourself or with someone else for a bit. You aren’t utterly alone – look at all of us here. Do you have a counsellor or other caregiver you trust?

  29. Gabriel... August 6, 2008 at 6:44 pm #

    I just got home, I’ll send you an email soon… actually, send me one and let me know what’s going on.

    Tomorrow morning you’ll still have two kids, and the same abilities to care for them as you did yesterday and the day before and the day before…

  30. misspudding August 6, 2008 at 6:46 pm #

    Holy shit.

    Look, you have a disease. If you had cancer, no one would be saying, “God damn, we’re sick and tired of the cancer. See ya, Thor.”

    Get some fucking help again. I you have to check yourself into treatment again, fucking do it.

    I don’t want to hear from Mogo that you killed yourself. That’s bullshit and it doesn’t work for those of us who refuse to see you as your illness. It’s a cop out.

    It sucks but you ARE LOVED. You are WORTH SOMETHING. You mean A LOT to A LOT OF PEOPLE. We refuse to believe that some chemical imbalance and some baggage means you aren’t worth anything. And you need to believe this yourself. Get treatment. Not just drugs but START TALKING TO SOMEONE. Get the hate out of your head.


  31. Jen August 6, 2008 at 6:53 pm #

    I’ve been trying to think of a nice and supportive way to say this, but the truth is I’m not nicey-nice so I’ll just say it.
    Don’t you DARE leave your girls the way my dad left me. Don’t leave Mogo the way my dad left my mom, which tore her apart even though they had divorced and not spoken for 3 years. And don’t you fucking dare leave yourself because you’re worth more than that.

  32. Eden August 6, 2008 at 7:39 pm #

    I read all the way through and then Jen (just above) articulated what I wanted to say.

    You’re worth more than any other being on the planet (and so are your girls and so am I and so are all of us). No person is worth sacrificing your life over. Just my opinion.

    Hope you find a way to lessen the hurt. If I could take some off your shoulders for you, I would.

  33. Marcy August 6, 2008 at 7:52 pm #

    Everything I’ve ever read on your blog tells me you and Mogo have had an amazing relationship in spite of all the troubles your disease and other things have brought into your lives.

    I have also read that you have a huge fear of trust that extends to him (sometimes you write that you are glad you took the risk to trust him, but you write about it as a risk) — you are ready at a moment’s notice to believe that he might want to leave you.

    So, right now, I don’t trust your statement that he wants to leave you. I believe that statement comes from some very true places, in that it’s your feeling, your fear, and you have every right to it. But on the other hand, from outside the bipolar and everything else, I have good reason to suspect you are the one feeding this fear, not him.

    Not that he’s perfect. Not that he’s incapable of taking out his frustrations on you, knowing as he does how to push your buttons. Not that he doesn’t need some help of his own.

    But — I am not at all convinced It’s All Over.

    Check in, my friend. And yes — it would be well worth the search for a decent therapist.

  34. Gabriel... August 6, 2008 at 8:29 pm #

    This is about the PlayStation 2 isn’t it? Is Mogo hogging the Grand Theft Auto? Because I could mail you GTA San Andreas and then he’d totally mellow out.

  35. jenny August 6, 2008 at 10:18 pm #

    I do not post often but I read daily. -I cry for you tonight.

    My heart breaks for you and your family. My mother has bipolar and I watched for many years my dad deal with this on a daily basis. I would listen to both sides and hear very different stories. I lost my dad last year and now I am the primary support person for my mother. I find this difficult but I love her and I will stick with her and I believe your husband will stick with you. I agree with Marcy’s posting above 100 percent. Talk, talk, talk to your husband, a therapist, a friend or a stranger reach out for help. Your husband loves you but living with someone with this disease is difficult at times. I am sending you a hug and good thoughts. Stay strong.

  36. March August 7, 2008 at 11:15 pm #

    my heart is with you.
    I’m so very sorry you’re in this situation. I believe you can get through, and I believe you’ll get through it with your family. do get the help you need and believe in those that love you.
    I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you to get through all this, you’re too precious, you really are. Hang in there, please

  37. meredith August 8, 2008 at 12:21 pm #

    Sorry I didn’t read this sooner. My heart goes out to you.

  38. landismom August 9, 2008 at 10:11 pm #

    Hope you are doing well. Sorry I didn’t read this sooner.

  39. karriew August 10, 2008 at 7:54 am #

    Holy shit……I’ve been away from my reader for more than a week and just getting up to speed.
    So so sorry you’re going through all of this. So sorry. 😦

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