Stolen time…

19 Jul



Stolen time…

Originally uploaded by thordora

I try to grab hold.

They speed past me, talking in tongues, learning, absorbing, wanting. The absolute wants of this age.

Vivian is already foreign to me, her legs sprouting, her mind expanding into a person. Not my child, but a person, a singular being which I must eventually learn to let go of. I’m already learning as she pours her own cereal and spreads her own peanut butter and changes her own channels, knowing where Ben 10 or Sonic X is on her “Gets the Remote” day.

In less than a month she shall be 5. In less than 2 months, she starts school, and the rest of her life. My utter singleminded devotion-that part of my life is ending. Now it’s time to step back, and let them fall when they need to.

I have a feeling that this part will be worse than the last.

I hold Rosalyn even closer. My baby, my sugar child, my sweetness and light. I keep her young for me, knowing it’s wrong. I listen to her honeyed lisp and sparkling eye and try to imagine how much I love her, knowing I can’t put a number on it. Her sister flies by us, singing and dancing and lighting up the world.

Be strong my daughters. Be willful and magical and happy and lay in wait for miracles. Hold your own, win your way, have your way. Take it all with you, as I wait, resolute, my arms held forth for you if you need a rest. Be strong, daughters of my womb, pieces of me. You carry my soul, you carry my blood, you carry the atoms we’ve likely handed down for generations, knowing yet not knowing.

Yet it could just be the vodka talking.

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9 Responses to “Stolen time…”

  1. charlotteotter July 19, 2008 at 3:40 am #

    I love this photograph – the moody black and white, her glasses, your ponytails, the background. It completely captures the essence of the post. Wonderful.

  2. Mogo July 19, 2008 at 9:30 am #

    obviously the vodka WAS talking when you posted it twice 😛

  3. thordora July 19, 2008 at 10:03 am #

    no-I was posting through Flickr and it said it didn’t work. So i tried again, only to discover it HAD worked.

    Sigh.

  4. cj33 July 19, 2008 at 12:13 pm #

    Pretty sentiment

  5. daisybones July 19, 2008 at 6:33 pm #

    It is a lovely photo, and a really wrenching post from here, reading at the very beginning of this dizzying transition from baby to child.

  6. March July 19, 2008 at 10:12 pm #

    those are the perfect words for such a perfect picture…
    in some way, you mirror my thoughts so perfectly and put them into words that bring tears to my eyes as I’m listening to my words in another voice… it’s eerie and sweet…
    if you believe in previous lives, we must have met before, you might have just been a kindred spirit of mine…

    that is such a beautiful picture…one that deserves to be framed for her to keep close by… so beautiful

  7. Lil July 20, 2008 at 8:51 am #

    oh my mommy heart ~ i too see her growth, wanting to encourge it, wanting to ignore it…it’s all so beautiful isn’t it?! you’ve put your own struggle with their wing expansion so poignantely ~ thank you!

    peace,
    lil

  8. Jen July 21, 2008 at 11:23 am #

    what a beautiful picture! 5 is such a hard age. Grown but not…there’s a lot of grabbing and not wanting to let go that comes with it. When you’re not praying for 5 minutes without running commentary, that is.

  9. daureen July 23, 2008 at 12:14 am #

    Will you show your daughters these posts some day? I just can’t imagine getting a box full of letters like these from my mother. My heart would stop, I would be so touched.

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