Many days my body and I aren’t on speaking terms. we never have been. I went from a scrawny child to a full figured woman very quickly, all hips and tits, broadness where once was only bony lands. As a child my mother was zealous in watching what I ate-without her around, I had no idea what to eat, living with a menu that generally consisted of Coke and chips for breakfast, whatever I could scrounge change up for at lunch and greasy chips and Coke for dinner. What did I know?
Add in a genetic predisposition to being “large and in change” and a habit of emotional eating and you know where this is going. My smallest weight was about 140, when I was basically anorexic for the better part of a year. Even then I was still a size 14, despite walking many kms every night, still had a tummy.
I wasn’t a small girl. Or even that attractive. (Although I totally miss those glasses. They were vintage.)
Part of me would like to be smaller. I really would. I would like to never know the shame of chub rub. I would like to buy pants that were less than 60.00 when made in China. I would like to fit comfortable in airline seats.
But yesterday, I saw this. (NSFW)
I looked at her. I looked at the oodles of bony, skinny models on the site. I looked at her again. And in my head something went, …you know? She much more attractive? She’s soft and curvy and lovely. Not at all hard or fast or “better” than you. She could be you. Those breasts may as well be yours, the dark hair familiar, the hips rounded from children and genetics.
And she is beautiful.
Inside me, something twigged. I’ve always felt worse while clothed-when naked, I feel normal and beautiful because no one else is forcing me into their standards. My hands roam my belly, proud that it has carried children, not so proud at a prior fondness for pizza that laid on 50 pounds. My hands roam my own body, and remind me of it’s strength and power, it’s rawness, it’s dewy marshmallowy folds. And I like it. This woman, standing in that cabbage field reminded me that she is just, if not more beautiful for all her bounty. That I, and woman like me, are all the more beautiful for it.