“Beauty is being in harmony with what you are. “

11 Jul

Many days my body and I aren’t on speaking terms. we never have been. I went from a scrawny child to a full figured woman very quickly, all hips and tits, broadness where once was only bony lands. As a child my mother was zealous in watching what I ate-without her around, I had no idea what to eat, living with a menu that generally consisted of Coke and chips for breakfast, whatever I could scrounge change up for at lunch and greasy chips and Coke for dinner. What did I know?

Add in a genetic predisposition to being “large and in change” and a habit of emotional eating and you know where this is going. My smallest weight was about 140, when I was basically anorexic for the better part of a year. Even then I was still a size 14, despite walking many kms every night, still had a tummy.

I wasn’t a small girl. Or even that attractive. (Although I totally miss those glasses. They were vintage.)

Part of me would like to be smaller. I really would. I would like to never know the shame of chub rub. I would like to buy pants that were less than 60.00 when made in China. I would like to fit comfortable in airline seats.

But yesterday, I saw this.Ā (NSFW)

I looked at her. I looked at the oodles of bony, skinny models on the site. I looked at her again. And in my head something went, …you know? She much more attractive? She’s soft and curvy and lovely. Not at all hard or fast or “better” than you. She could be you. Those breasts may as well be yours, the dark hair familiar, the hips rounded from children and genetics.

And she is beautiful.

Inside me, something twigged. I’ve always felt worse while clothed-when naked, I feel normal and beautiful because no one else is forcing me into their standards. My hands roam my belly, proud that it has carried children, not so proud at a prior fondness for pizza that laid on 50 pounds. My hands roam my own body, and remind me of it’s strength and power, it’s rawness, it’s dewy marshmallowy folds. And I like it. This woman, standing in that cabbage field reminded me that she is just, if not more beautiful for all her bounty. That I, and woman like me, are all the more beautiful for it.

12 Responses to ““Beauty is being in harmony with what you are. “”

  1. Mad July 11, 2008 at 11:56 am #

    That was a great picture. I love the humour with the cabbage leaf, as if she were a baby waiting to be found. I also like the short-haired version of you.

  2. Missy July 11, 2008 at 12:08 pm #

    Thank you for posting that link. That is so remarkable and beautiful–and so, honey, are you.

  3. sweetsalty kate July 11, 2008 at 1:12 pm #

    Wow, what a portrait. I love it. And despite your discomfort in clothes, I can attest that you’re totally styley. You look fantastic.

    Funny, I’m the opposite. I don’t mind the clothes, cringe at the nakedness.

    Anyway, cokes scmokes. You’re beautiful.

  4. Netter July 11, 2008 at 1:43 pm #

    I think I had that haircut.

  5. mamaloo July 11, 2008 at 2:02 pm #

    Nice Dinosaur Jr. shirt šŸ™‚

    And what beautiful remarks.

    That was a great photo.

  6. Cori July 11, 2008 at 5:11 pm #

    Awesome photos. I liked the symbolism of the cabbage leaf, too.

    Y’know, I took a good look at my WHOLE self in the mirror the other day and just didn’t mind. It’s taken a long time, but I think (in my old-ish age) I may just be OK with all of it – nursed out breasts, stretch marks, flat booty, and all!!!

    I’m glad you’re OK with you, too šŸ™‚

  7. misspudding July 11, 2008 at 7:06 pm #

    Was going to say the same thing about the Dinosaur Jr shirt!

    I am also way more comfortable without clothes on than with. Too bad it’s not socially acceptable…

  8. Bon July 11, 2008 at 7:56 pm #

    that’s an amazing sexpot photo. i like.

    and i like your vintage frames, too.

    i remember you calling me small. funny. it took me until well into my thirties to understand that i was…i spent the decade or more previous starving and purging and smoking and walking many kms at night, still carrying a little belly, still chafing at the chub rub…so it may seem weird but this resonated. and i too have always felt better naked. there’s something cruel about clothing.

  9. flutter July 11, 2008 at 8:27 pm #

    isn’t accepting self a thing of incredible freedom?

  10. charlotteotter July 12, 2008 at 2:34 am #

    That photo is gorgeous. I come from a family that disdains femaie curves, so it’s taking me a long time to learn to love mine. Thanks for the reminder that womanly is lovely.

  11. March July 12, 2008 at 6:05 am #

    peace of body is so important for peace of mind… making peace with our bodies and loving them in spite of all the words we say to ourselves is so vital for our minds.
    wherever we may be on the scale range and the visual image, we need to love what we see in order to truly enjoy this body we’ve been given.
    this is a wonderful post… really is.

    and I so love those frames!
    would not mind wearing them just now…

  12. Jen July 15, 2008 at 8:19 am #

    Those glasses are teh awesome!

    As is this post, and that picture. It feels so powerful to realize that beauty is what it is, regardless of what we’re taught it is supposed to be.

    I still have real trouble looking at myself naked, being naked. I feel much better with clothes on.

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