We are all selfish and I no more trust myself than others with a good motive.

10 Jul

Trust is funny. It’s reminding me of my stomach after childbirth. It LOOKS like my stomach, in that vague, if I pull on the sides and don’t breathe way. But it’s never the same. It’s the ghost of itself, the snickering afterbirth.

I feel this lately.

No, no one has ran off into the sunset with someone else or sold me to sex traffickers. But other things happened, things I’m not quite used to. Small, almost blameless offences, thoughts not of me, overlooked, stared past.

I have certain expectations in my life-that the people who love me might put me first. I have a habit of stepping back and allowing others to do as they will, allowing others their pleasures while I wait.

I’m rather tired of all that. I’m old enough now to demand that I matter first, above all else. I’m old enough to not want drama. I’m sick enough to know that drama isn’t safe.

There’s a chink in the armoured trust I’ve worn. A slight dent, and it’s letting air in. With it wanders succubi whispering “You’re a fool”…telling me I was foolish to ever trust, that everyone, each and every one of us, will absolutely destroy someone else if given the chance. Offense baby. Offense.

I still love. It’s just not as lovely or as perfect as it was before. Which makes me sad and not a little angry. Life goes on, but I could have done without all this.

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8 Responses to “We are all selfish and I no more trust myself than others with a good motive.”

  1. March July 10, 2008 at 9:00 am #

    my grandma would say to never give all your love, all your trust or all your money to noone… I think to a point, when we don’t trust completly we are keeping our guard up and that can’t be too bad… it’s bad if it’s stopping you from enjoying those around you, but if it’s just keeping a layer of protection then it’s not so.
    I think it’s always good to have a layer of protection… my husband disagrees, but he knows I’m always on guard… Murphy always applies…

  2. cinnamon gurl July 10, 2008 at 11:41 am #

    I remember long ago realizing that love does hurt, even if the relationship lasts forever. The people who know you the best know best how to hurt you. But the cost is totally worth the benefit for me and I trust myself to withstand it. As time goes on we get better at not hurting those we love. I’ve also learned that it’s in my own best interest not to expect me to first 100% of the time. So I see it more as sometimes I’m first and sometimes the person/people i love are first (although it’s not altruistic – it’s totally because it will make putting myself first easier next time around). Not sure if this actually has anything to do with what you’re really talking about…

  3. niobe July 10, 2008 at 1:48 pm #

    my grandma would say to never give anyone all your love, all your trust or all your money.

    I love this saying. It’s my new motto.

    Look, you know what I’m going to say because I’ve said it a zillion times before: Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.

  4. Marcy July 10, 2008 at 3:19 pm #

    everyone, each and every one of us, will absolutely destroy someone else if given the chance

    That statement resonates with me.

  5. sweetsalty kate July 10, 2008 at 3:58 pm #

    Ohmygod… I could have written this. You’ve captured what I can only describe as a floating, uncapturable, vaporous mass in my head, and I have nothing to add but a thank-you.
    xo

  6. Bon July 10, 2008 at 9:32 pm #

    this resonates indeed, Thor. i think we’ve established that you are not the Leonard Cohen stalker that i am, but the wisdom and heartbreak you wrote into this reminded me of lines from the song Story of Isaac:

    when it all comes down to dust, i will kill you if i must
    i will help you if i can
    when it all comes down to dust, i will help you if i must
    i will kill you if i can

    i think both are true of our relationships with others, but the latter so unspeakable that we hide it. and wait, hoping for the former from those we have come to trust…and when it does not come, damn, it hurts.

  7. Cori July 11, 2008 at 7:28 pm #

    Thanks for this post, Thor. It resonates for me, too. You summed it up so well. I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a similar post…but I think my scabs are still too fresh and I don’t need any more scars.

  8. Jason Dufair July 17, 2008 at 2:12 pm #

    It’s easy to confuse mistrust and assertiveness. I’m finally learning to assert my wants and needs at 38 (having learned severe non-assertiveness from my dad) and it makes it much, much easier to trust. Knowing that *I* am responible for meeting my own needs (and my kids’) means I/we don’t *have* to rely on someone else to survive. This changes the trust dynamic dramatically. It’s taken me having gotten to rock bottom and wanting to kill myself to realize I had a problem asserting myself and that I am responsible for solving that problem. The alternative was to die.

    It’s so easy to get entangled. It’s like you need teflon-coated rope before you try to tie up to the dock, yet you can’t just float in the harbor either.

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