Just can’t anymore….

21 Jun


It is always there, like a song he can’t stop humming. It plays in the background when he graduates from law school. When he hears “not guilty” in court. When he cheers his son William to victory in the big hockey game or hugs his daughter Sarah for winning the Grade 3 spelling bee. He left Toronto because standing on the subway platform cranked the volume. He tried to shock it out of his brain. For a time, Star Trek episodes muffled it. Drugs, at best, only dull it.

In nearly every moment of his life, Peter O’Neill thinks about killing himself. Sometimes, he makes plans. He buys rope. He sets a date. Mostly though, he is trapped between wanting to die and trying to live, while the same scenes run on a loop in his mind: a noose dangling in shadow, or his body hanging from a rope.

Have a glimpse into our heads. I haven’t lived with this for awhile-thankfully, my drugs are helping. But I remember the rending void of that constant whisper “just do it. Die you piece of shit” and the ache rips through me all over again.

I would die before going back to that.

Kudos to the Globe and Mail for doing this series. A good read for those of you dealing with us crazies, and a good kick in the ass for me to really look into doing some advocacy work.

4 Responses to “Just can’t anymore….”

  1. CharmingDriver June 21, 2008 at 8:08 pm #

    I don’t click through enough from Google to tell you how much I like you T and how glad I am I found you on the big ole innernetz.

  2. CharmingDriver June 21, 2008 at 8:08 pm #

    Aaaaaaaaand that avatar sucks eggs – How do I change it?

  3. March June 21, 2008 at 11:33 pm #

    doing advocacy work sounds like a good use of energy.
    Have anything in mind?

  4. Bon June 23, 2008 at 10:33 am #

    clicking through to find the Globe series, since the rock i live under doesn’t usually include reading more than the Charlottetown Guardian. thank you.

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