Vivian, almost 5

20 Jun

oh honey bear….

I sit playing a computer game, an old favorite and you ask what I’m doing.

“I’m ….playing the game I was playing when my water broke with you actually.”

It all comes flashing back to me. That startled pregnancy, your birth, confused and wonderful, that first year, the wonder of falling in love with you, the terror of bringing a sibling into the world far too soon.

You are child now. Gone are the chubby legs, the wrinkles, the diapers and the sippy cups. Here sits a curious creature who will remember this-who will, in a dim future, sit and remember her mother teary eyed talking about the wonder in the world, remember being told that we need wasps, even when they ick us out, remember warm arms, and yes, quite possibly, yelling.

Here sits a child who, in mere months, will venture out into the world for the first time, and begin to make her mark. Here sits a child who can change the world.

I teach you this Vivian. I teach you that the actions of one can matter, that you can visit Mars perhaps, or farther if you wish it so, or you can hunker down in a cabin and write the great Canadian Novel. Or you can raise a family as best you can, feed the starving. Only as we grow old do we believe our options to be limited.

You ask me as we watch Mr. Magorium’s Magic Emporium if a toy store like that actually exists.

I tell you of course, and ask you if you’d like to find it with me.

You glow with yes.

This is who you should be-full of wonder and charm and innocence. You should be a child who is ready for the world with open arms, who wants to meet its challenges head on, because solving puzzles and problems are one in the same. You should disregard barriers, because they only hold back those who wish it so. If we’re brave Vivian, we can move mountains.

Right now, right this second, you’re singing a song with your sister, nonsensical something. Your eyes are shining I imagine. Your soul, flaming through them.

I never imagined I would create something so perfect. And yet, I have.

Slow down child. Let me catch my breath awhile.


13 Responses to “Vivian, almost 5”

  1. Hannah June 20, 2008 at 10:46 pm #

    I love that you guys will go looking for the fantastical toy store together. Some of my favourite memories of my mom was of her cheerfully agreeing to go along with whatever my sister and I had cooked up; fairies, unicorns, you name it. Viv will remember that about you, too.

    She’s gorgeous. And so are you. 🙂

  2. Mad Hatter June 20, 2008 at 11:15 pm #

    She is beautiful.

  3. Cynthia June 21, 2008 at 1:18 am #

    I hope you find it, one way or the other.

    I don’t remember my Mom being that accommodating to flights of fancy, but one of my first memories is of her being joyfully silly. We lived in Oshawa, and we went to the convenience store. She, my brother and I had orange foot-shaped ice cream on a stick, and then she held our hands and we skipped back to the apartment singing “We’re off to see the wizard” from The Wizard of Oz. Joy.

  4. mercurial scribe June 21, 2008 at 1:38 am #


  5. March June 21, 2008 at 5:54 am #

    I love it, and can see everything you say reflected in my own life.
    It’s like you’re here with us somehow… you almost read my mind.

    and you write so beautifully…

  6. karriew June 21, 2008 at 6:37 am #

    This is gorgeous. I can feel your love for her swelling out onto the screen and beyond.

  7. Julie Pippert June 21, 2008 at 8:33 am #

    Beautiful. Those are the words that show that swell of love we feel for our children in those moments.

  8. Bon June 21, 2008 at 12:46 pm #

    oh. oh. “you glow with yes.” i love this.

    and she shines, doesn’t she?

  9. thordora June 21, 2008 at 1:12 pm #

    oh Bon she does. She really does. You two would be a matched set.

  10. Rebecca June 21, 2008 at 2:01 pm #


  11. bine June 21, 2008 at 5:38 pm #

    everything moves so slowly for them and is so speeded up for us, it’s hard to follow. my godchild is almost seven now, to me it feels like he was born last year. but for him those 7 years feel like ages … his whole life. the older we get the tinier is the fraction of our life a year takes. it’s painful.
    i hope you’ll get to move a few mountains together, thor. i can’t wait to hear the stories.

  12. sweetsalty kate June 23, 2008 at 4:41 pm #

    ‘glow with yes’… I love that. Do you have a new camera? Your shots lately of the girls are so lovely.

  13. thordora June 23, 2008 at 5:54 pm #

    nope. Same old shitastic camera. Just paying more attention-and I think all of you rubbed off on me a bit in May. 🙂

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