2 More Sleeps!

14 May

2 more sleeps til Blog’er-Atlantic Canada’s answer to Blog’her, but with more talk and less ad revenue.

I’m excited. I get to meet Mad (who is nice enough to cart my ass there and back) and Kate and Hannah and Bon, and a few others I don’t believe I know. Very excited for an entire weekend of no kids, aside from small babies who I won’t mind holding and can be given back. An entire weekend of sleeping in. Oh I need this-mania has been trying it’s damndest to bleed through lately, and I need a mental break. The detrius is filling up, and it basically needs to fart.

Ah, the attractive way with words I have. Lovely isn’t it.

I’m not really nervous-not too nervous, not really. My only wrinkle is the fact that I’m bigger than everyone else, a situation which puts me ill at ease constantly. I can feel my bulk taking up space compared to smaller, more compact people. Even if I’m skinny, I fill up a room. I’ve never liked that. Despite my acceptance and often mute devotion to my own body, I cannot stand to be held up against “normal” women-it makes me feel like I’m not a woman, which is the most asinine thing a person who has all the undangly bits can say. I am a woman.

I just often feel like I take up too much space.

And yet at the same time, I love the fact that I rarely, if ever have felt threatened, truly threatened in strange situations. Other mother’s would let their daughters out if I was with them. (Of course, I’ve had the opposite affect on mother’s as well) I have never known fear the same way my smaller friends have. Mostly because men don’t look at me the same way-I am not attractive, yet I am not “easy” prey. So I am segregated into the netherworld of “it”.

And I’m fine with that. It’s safer that way. I hardly think I’m the only bigger girl who feels this way, sexless and safe. It’s an awful dichotomy really-that safety is only asserted when sexuality is neutralized. But in a way, it’s true. A few belly rolls, and you are no longer worthy, no longer worth risk. Some extra tush, and you cease to be a woman in the traditional eye. You cease to be female.

I do not expect that anyone will make me feel any of this over the course of the next few weeks-this is my shit, internalized crap, frustrated crap, “how many miles before I lose even a pound!?!? crap. I’ve always felt this way, springing up to about 5’6 at 12, and hitting puberty in a very apparent way, without my mother, I was the grade school equivalent of a sore thumb. I stuck out. I was tall, long legs, “child-bearing hips”-I constantly needed to be careful around the more “delicate” girls who couldn’t bear to break a nail playing basketball or get dirty playing rugby with the boys. Crap-crap that made me think a woman couldn’t be all things-delicate when she wanted, strong when she needed, dirty when it made sense. It’s all crap-it’s crap that I feel these things, that I worry about pictures that might be taken. Not because of my weight-but because of my size, and my frequent urge to blend in to the background, and just be.

It’s all crap.

I’m a big girl. I will never be the size of most the women I’ll meet this weekend. I have a genetic inheritance that seems to be a cross between Churchill and Monique, but with legs. I take drugs that keep weight on, I fight what is likely some sort of disordered eating, and have the metabolism of a slug. I live with the hands dealt to me, and I’m ok with that. I have never been a size 4, or 8-shit, I was a size 14 AT 14, and that was with virtually zero fat on me. I am not a small girl. I am a big woman. And it’s ok.

So this weekend, I’m going to smile. I’m going to laugh, and crack bad idiotic jokes (but not the one about the buffer) and I’m going to enjoy myself without once worrying that I’m this huge elephant in the room. Sometimes, elephants are fucking kick ass too.

13 Responses to “2 More Sleeps!”

  1. Eden May 14, 2008 at 10:18 pm #

    I thought you were supposed to blame someone for these things. πŸ˜‰

  2. sweetsalty kate May 14, 2008 at 10:29 pm #

    thor, I can’t wait to meet you. I’ve been sitting here with this post up on screen all evening as I work, and I’ve kept coming back to it to comment, and then not being able to find the words to respond only because I’m thinking I’ll do better with a beer in my hand, and you sitting beside me.

    You ARE big. Your personality, your femaleness, your passion and opinions and partnership…. all gigantic. You are one of the most vibrant people I know.

    We all have the benefit of liking each other already regardless of first impressions or the usual social torture. πŸ™‚

  3. sweetsalty kate May 14, 2008 at 10:33 pm #

    You know, as a further point, the weird thing? I’m terrified that people are going to expect me to be sweetsalty kate and not just boring, socially stunted, say-stupid-uninformed-shit kate. This alter ego is waaaay more smooth and confident than the real thing, I promise you. One horse’s ass, comin’ up.

  4. thordora May 15, 2008 at 6:15 am #

    I’m much more obnoxious in person. πŸ™‚ Ask Mogo.

  5. thordora May 15, 2008 at 6:16 am #

    and hrm….who can I blame for my fat ass…..I know, Shiva! It’s all Shiva’s fault!!!

  6. Carin May 15, 2008 at 8:23 am #

    I was just thinking that this weekend was coming up. I hope you have a good time. I’m glad you’re going.

  7. Rebecca May 15, 2008 at 8:45 am #

    Have FUN this weekend. I am SO JEALOUS!
    You know, some very delicate cousins and aunts came over the other day – not one taller than 5’2″ or bigger than 90 pounds – and I felt like I could knock them over like bowling pins like some mighty giant. Teeny tiny little aunts and cousins.

  8. radical mama May 15, 2008 at 12:37 pm #

    So totally jealous. Have a great time!

  9. daisybones May 15, 2008 at 5:08 pm #

    I feel you, so fucking totally. Add to it an awkwardly clumsy asymmetrical, not-quite-enough-limbs body, and subtract the manic. Most of it anyway, and yes: I am right there with you.

    I am crazy jealous of y’all. I wanna host Holler Blog’her next year. Only I want Canadians and Bumblefuckers here too. *pout*

  10. Hannah May 15, 2008 at 7:12 pm #

    Hey, I’ve spent the afternoon throwing clothes around the room while shrieking “but NOTHING FITS!!” and wondering why my diaper bag has Winnie-the-Pooh on it.

    I am so excited. And terrified. Can’t wait to throw my arms around you, dear Thor, and give you big hugs.

  11. intensity_too May 16, 2008 at 1:42 am #

    First time reader, but I absolutely love this post. I’m a big girl too and often feel the same way you do. You give ti great voice. Thank you!

  12. Erin May 16, 2008 at 10:51 pm #

    Size is a state of mind…(I know that’s a piece of shit 1/2 truth but I mean it anyway) I’m only 5′ 4″ (and not slim) and feel like a kid playing pretend adult when I’m around other grown-ups. I’m just this side of picking my nose in public ’cause who would really care, right? I’m just a kid (37)

  13. Eden May 17, 2008 at 3:00 pm #

    Aww. I want to be blamed for something. If I don’t get your fat ass, can I get… let’s see… are you having a bad hair day? Could I be blamed for that?

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