third time the charm?

29 Apr

Kristin left the following comment on my “I cannot handle being a mother anymore” post

Hi Ladies I haven’t been here in a while now, I have been going through some prety hard times lately. In october i found out that i was pregnant with my third baby!!! It was NOT planned and needless to say i was not happy at all!! Abortion was not an option either. I hadve just turned 40 and the thought of starting all over with another baby realy freaks me out actually i hate the thought of it i found myself very angry all the time there were even times where i wished i would just miscarrie then it would be ok but that never happened and now i am almost 8 months and i am soo scared of what is going to happen once the baby is born.

I already have 2 girls 5 and 3 and this one is a boy which i have to admit i was upset about i never wanted to have boys so when i was told that it was a boy i became even more depressed. My husband is ecstatic about having a third but i am just miseable. Has anyone out there had a siimilar experience? If so i would to know how you dealt with it and did your opinion change once you saw your baby? I am so depressed all the time that i feel sick to my stomach and i am not sleeping well at all i really could use some advice. everybody keeps telling me that all this will cahnge once the baby is born that i will just be soo happy and wonder how i could of ever not wanted him.

But im afraid that once hes born i will be even more depressed and that i will just be miserable and hate my life and that it will eventually effect my pretty perfect marriage i just cant feel good about it not to mention thta i am not looking forward to the c section again so please anyone please help with some advice and encouragment i really could use some thanks for listening.

I’m sure she would appreciate any help or advice we could offer.

My two cents Kristin? You need some alone time, and a good therapist to hash this stuff out with. I felt the same way when pregnant with Rosalyn, and spent most of the first year having trouble connecting with her (I hardly remember her as a baby) Some of this is because of my illness, and some because I really didn’t want her, as much as it pains me to say.

You are not the only woman to feel this, so please do not feel ashamed.

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8 Responses to “third time the charm?”

  1. Suz April 29, 2008 at 1:14 pm #

    I don’t have any great advice, but try to deal with your feelings before you have the baby. Accept that you can’t plan everything, but this is how your life went. Now you have to make the best of your situation. If you can’t, or you feel like you might take it out on the baby, get help right away. I’m ashamed to say I felt angry at my son when he was born. And I felt like my life was over when I had him. I took good care of him, but I really struggled, especially the first year. I wish I had someone to talk to then. So if you need someone, find them now. Tell your husband that you’re worried about everything involved with the new baby and you’re going to need extra help. Give him some specific things he can do for you- take the kids for walk, do a load of laundry, whatever. If you have a good marriage and he is excited about the baby, he will be more than willing to do that. Keep asking for help and make sure you get it.

  2. Marcy April 29, 2008 at 3:14 pm #

    You’re right — there is absolutely no guarantee that “once you see him” it’ll all be okay. Much to my surprise, I did have that moment of joyful bonding when I first held my baby, but it didn’t prevent the PPD that landed me in the hospital a week later.

    Get counseling now. Someone who can work with you and your family to prepare for how you can all handle this. Someone who will not judge you for your feelings.

  3. radical mama April 29, 2008 at 3:42 pm #

    Ouch. That’s rough.

    Looking for the positives here: her husband is supportive, or so it sounds. I hope he is aware of her feelings and is ready to support her after the birth and help her work through her feelings. He needs to be ready to take over meals, housework, and child care for a little while so that she can rest and recover.

    I don’t know why anyone would say that it will all be better when the baby gets here. That’s when we are the most overwhelmed and exhausted, especially with other children to care for. That’s a lot of pressure to place on someone.

    I’ve never been in this situation, or had PPD, but I would think that having a lot of people to help make sure she gets adequate sleep, regular meals, and someone to watch her other children for the first few weeks might help ease the transition.

  4. quirkyblogger April 29, 2008 at 4:29 pm #

    I had ante-partum and post-partum depression with my third, along with a big whap from the hyperemesis stick. (I had a prolapsed uterus after giving birth to her…thank you, Jesus, Buddha and all the SuperFriends, for hysterectomies.) I was 100% miserable, 100% of the time.

    I told my ob/gyn about it, and he referred me to a psychiatrist who specializes in pre- and post-natal depression. It saved my sanity. I would very much recommend that Kristin see someone ASAP, specifically someone used to dealing with APD and PPD.

    My heart goes out to her, though, because even through all of the puking and feeling like crap, I was still happy about having another baby. I can only imagine how bad it all would have sucked if I wasn’t feeling having another one. 😦

  5. Eden April 29, 2008 at 4:57 pm #

    I had a very, very, very late period when my son was a newborn. When I told my husband, he was semi-thrilled (which would be “thrilled” for a more enthusiastic guy). I’d already decided that this couldn’t happen. My body couldn’t take it. It wasn’t an easy thing to decide. I got lucky and didn’t have to make that choice.

    Therapy can be good but the clock is ticking. I can say that a boy is a completely different experience and is a lot of fun. Whatever you decide, you’re certainly not the first woman to have these feelings. The important thing is to keep talking about it.

  6. Hannah April 29, 2008 at 7:48 pm #

    Having a new baby with other kid(s) in the house is hard enough if that child is planned for and wanted. My heart goes out to Kristin as she faces this very difficult challenge – and how insensitive that people keep telling her the baby’s arrival will make everything all better. I agree 100% that she must focus on getting some qualified help now, before the baby does arrive and she is so overwhelmed that she can’t see daylight.

  7. Caitlin April 30, 2008 at 3:50 pm #

    Kristin,

    I think it’s completely reasonable to not be looking forward to having an unplanned baby, especially when you’ve been going through hard times and the effect it might have on your marriage. I agree that you need to get help before the baby is born. I think it would help a lot if you had someone who would just listen and not judge you while you vent your frustration and anger about being in this situation, so they don’t fester into something worse.

    After the baby comes, you might see about having a mother’s helper come in to help at least once a week (more if you’re a SAHM and your girls are going to be home all day in the summer). I also think it might help if you give yourself permission to not to immediately fall in love with your son the second he takes his first breath, but instead, just give him a chance and learn to like him over time.

    I didn’t really like my son most of the first 6 months of his life. He had unexpected complications, which meant I was housebound with him during those months to avoid exposing him to RSV and another month in the hospital. I had a really hard time with the transition from working girl to SAHM and I resented him for making it impossible to talk to someone not on the internet. Once he started displaying some personality, I found myself beginning to really like him. By the end of his first year, when I told him “I love you”, it wasn’t from duty, but because I had slowly built up that bond.

    I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to be hard on yourself if you don’t like your son at first, and keep trying. As he grows older, he might discover he’s interested in some of the same things as you, and you can bond that way.

  8. Quadelle January 31, 2010 at 10:00 am #

    Kristin, what a difficult position to be in! I agree with the others – get help asap, and keep having help afterward – including practical help. I don’t know about where you are, but sometimes there are programs that are designed to help you bond with your baby, too, such as dancing classes (more like movement with you and the baby) or massage classes, etc.

    As for similar stories…my siblings were 10, 9 & 7 when I was born – my mother doesn’t particularly like babies & was enjoying the relative freedom of having school children, so she was devastated to find out she was pregnant with me. That did not get better for quite a while – we know now that she had PPD, but it wasn’t something that was known then. As a child I often heard her say that she had given me the middle name of Joy to remind her to be happy about having me, but she always continued on to say about how it was a fitting name because I’d brought so much joy into her life. Note: that was not immediately. Immediately, I overwhelmed her completely.

    You’ve got a lot to get your head around: turning 40 (which usually causes a fair bit of angst on its own), having an unexpected third, having a different gendered child than you’re used to having, being out of step emotionally about the baby with your husband, and then there are all the practical matters.

    Be gentle on yourself – don’t force yourself to feel things you don’t. Breathe. Accept. By accept, I mean let your feelings be what they are, don’t feel that they are unacceptable. They are natural and normal given your situation. As parents we become adept at feeling one way but still going ahead and doing the right thing. Let your feelings be your feelings, and just care for your baby as you have your others. You will get there.

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