Crank Pot

28 Apr

I am unbelievable foul today. I’m tired, I’m fighting with the scratch in my throat and I’d much rather be curled up in a coffee shop rereading Jane Eyre for the 100th time. And oh the people around me. This is NOT a people day. I’m tired of people, especially people talking nonsense about the TV and whining about gas prices.

Sorry people I have ZERO sympathy on the gas prices for cars. I know too many people who have set their lifestyle according to their vehicle instead of setting a reasonable one according to accessibility. We manage it, and manage it well, as can many people in a city setting. So the whining-NOT COOL. I’m not being all superior but really, stop living in places so bloody removed from everything. Stop gasping at me for walking 4kms to work. Stop being part of the problem, kwim?

I grow very tired of the office environment. Thankfully, I’m usually able to get myself somewhere with limited contact, but not always. It’s not so much the people as it is the insipid conversations. Last time I heard a conversation about reality TV? About 10 minutes ago. Last time I heard one about books? uh…..yeah. Too far back to remember.

See? FOUL. I don’t usually ever talk about work, but today I’m tired and cranky enough to do so.

I kept myself busy yesterday, until I realized it didn’t matter. Time has finally softened the blow to a soft kiss. I muttered my usual benediction to my mother as I fell off to sleep, I miss you, I still love you, but all and all, life moves on, as it should.

Anymore it just reminds me how fucking terrified I am of dying young, dying on my daughters, leaving them adrift and afloat. Learning to not anticipate the worst, it’s hard. It’s like relearning how to walk, trying to dispel that hovering cloud. Most days, I can. But other days-it’s a voice always in my head. Cherish what you have. Enjoy it, hold it. It could be gone.

Maybe it’s not so much morbid as it is just good preparation.

I’m cranky.

11 Responses to “Crank Pot”

  1. Hannah April 28, 2008 at 11:11 am #

    Oh, the gas prices thing? Drives me fucking nuts. I’m so happy to be off on mat leave just now for that reason if no other. One of my coworkers has two cars – a V6 sporty thing and a honking huge SUV – and has the nerve to bitch about gas prices.

    I guess now that people can’t bitch about winter they have to latch on to something else.

    I thought of you yesterday but didn’t email, I figured you wanted some quiet time. I’m glad you got through it OK this year.

  2. Jennifer April 28, 2008 at 11:44 am #

    I don’t bitch about the gas. Not much I can do about it.

  3. Judy April 28, 2008 at 12:55 pm #

    The gas? My husband’s car (he only drives it to/from work) is a 1970 VW Beetle. He generally goes into work 2 days a week. He has to put gas in it about 5-6 times a year. No, it’s not pretty, it’s not the safest thing out there, but he paid $100 for it, has spent a few thousand on making it more drivable, and it gets great gas mileage. Plus, even if the paint is chipping and some of the logo signs are missing, kids LOVE it!

    We have a big van, which admittedly does not get great mileage (but gets MUCH better than the SUVs), and it almost always has at least 3 people in it. It’s not our ideal, but the fact is that when we have our daughters, we have 6 people in our family, and we really NEED that big van, or something similar. Even so, we don’t use that much gas, and frankly, I support higher gas prices because it might lead to lower consumption and greater support of public transportation.

    I do know of so many people who chose to live far from where they work, and I think they’re getting what they deserve. My ex used to commute 70 miles each way 4-5 days a week. He’s not doing that anymore, but I know people in similar situations – what are those people thinking?

    And yeah, I go try to hang out with other moms at the library or park, and I hear so much talk about TV and going shopping and meeting at McDonald’s, and I just feel like a freak and wonder if that’s really all there is. Not to mention how difficult it was to have a conversation with my mom during her week’s visit.

  4. allyo April 28, 2008 at 4:47 pm #

    The transportation thing isn’t that easy. In my city using public transit adds a ridiculous amount of time to your commute – and still, I did it before we had a child. We live within 5 miles of my office, and probably 6-7 miles of my husband’s work, we run errands close to home, but the gas prices? They hurt. We don’t activity bitch, we just moan to each other, but my point is, until there is greater investment in public transit infrastructure there are plenty of families that are negatively impacted by the gas prices and don’t have a lot of options.

  5. Jenn April 28, 2008 at 4:48 pm #

    Is there anything more annoying than office gab? Did you watch_____ last night? Tee Hee, isn’t he so cute? Giggle giggle… Puke!
    What I hate more than that is the constant “Oh my God I have been trying to _____ for this long now and now what do I do?” Come on people we are all adults with brains in our heads. Ihate having to talk to adults like children… “What do YOU think you should do now?”

    As for your cranky mood. Tell yourself it is okay, you are entitled to bad days like everyone else. Days when all the bitching and wining are just enough to tip you over the edge. You are not alone!

    I can never know what it is to loose your mother. So I wont say I understand because I just cant. I guess what I can say is to try not to fear for fear only holds you back from experiencing all that life has to offer. Turn that fear into positive energy. Write your kids the letters you wish your mom had written to you. Write your super secret recipies, make them the trinkets you wished you had had from your mother. If you live to be 100 you will have something to give to your kids and remember what was important way back then, if you don’t you would have never left a stone unturned, you would rest in peace knowing you have given everything to your kids that you always longed for.

    We dont know what tomorrow will bring, live life to the fullest, love until your heart explodes unable to contain the vast amount you are filling it with, be affectionate. Get out and let the sun shine on your face, cherish in your childrens laughter, gently wipe their tears away. Always kiss your partner like you will never kiss him again. If you are scared jump in with both feet. there is nothing to loose except dreams unfulfilled.

  6. thordora April 28, 2008 at 6:10 pm #

    We have the shittiest public transit where I currently lived, the second worst I have ever seen.

    I work with many people who live 2 towns away and yet complain about gas prices. The words car pool or telecommuting never come into the conversation. I am one of the only people I know who walk or bike to work from farther out than .5kms.

    Not all cities are alike. But in many cases, individuals have backed themselves into a corner all by their lonesome. Sure, governments MUST start investing in transit that works-but it’s also up to people to change their behaviours and entitlements. The model set up in the 50’s no longer works. People always lived near their work for a reason.

    I watch people driving their giant cars by themselves everyday, and it irritates me as a glimpse into a larger picture of entitlement and disregard for others. I understand when people need a vehicle to cart family around, or drives an economy vehicle to work-I get the need. What I don’t get is a Hummer or a Jeep or a F350 with one person driving in it with no real “need”.

    We have a culture that’s very confused on wants and needs, and I fear that my children (and yours) will suffer for it.

  7. Bon April 28, 2008 at 7:52 pm #

    well said, Thor. not just on gas – though the concurrent rise in home heating oil does strike me differently…we’re researching solar options but they’re a big outlay and wouldn’t be an option for everyone – but on time, and cherishing, and all.

    i’m glad the blow was gentle, and the benediction still present.

  8. thordora April 29, 2008 at 7:01 am #

    yeah, the heating oil…I’m glad we’re not on oil, and I don’t know how people do it. When we had oil, I kept the heat low (18C no matter what) and still the oil flew. Oil REALLY sucks when you rent, b/c you have zero control over the efficiency of the home.

    I’ve mentioned going off the grid, and I get the “fucking hippie” eye roll. I’d at least like to put some panels on the garage so we can have a heat pump on the pool in the summer, and some back up energy in the winter for when it inevitably storms and kills the power.

    I think it’s all about people doing what they can, and demanding their governments do the same.

  9. Judy April 29, 2008 at 12:04 pm #

    Yeah, I’ve sat at stoplights and counted how many SUVs or big pickups go by with just the driver in them, and it’s crazy. You have a family, okay, you need something to fit everybody, but do both Mom and Dad have to have an SUV? When there’s NEVER a time when everybody is in both?

    My husband’s ex-wife’s family (she lives with her parents right now, even though she’s almost 40) has 4 people living in an enormous house – the ex, my step-daughter, and the ex’s parents. They each have a big SUV – their 3 cars could seat 21 people! WTF?

    People think we are crazy here because we’re trying to go without our air conditioning as much as possible. I swear here they go from heat (for the month it’s needed) to a/c and nobody ever considers opening a window. And let’s not talk about the need to water front lawns that no one ever uses …

  10. thordora April 29, 2008 at 12:08 pm #

    The LAWNS! ARGH! I go out of my why to ignore and try to kill my lawn. Useless greenery….I rarely even water my garden if I can help it.

    Which reminds me to get a rain barrel….

  11. bromac April 29, 2008 at 2:53 pm #

    Well, the gas isn’t something I usually bitch about. I live only a couple of miles from where I work, though daycare is in an adjoining town, or I would ride my bike to and from work. My husband has a work gas card.

    Sounds like I had the same type of day as you yesterday, Thor. I ended up running home for my planning period because I thought I would scratch my skin off if I had to be around people for one more second. The kids are wound to the max and we still have six weeks left b/c they finally extended the school year. UGH, all I want to do is be out in the sun, soaking up the vitamin D, with my daughter. In the words of someone I know, le sigh. 😉

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