“Fear paralyzes; curiosity empowers. Be more interested than afraid.”

7 Apr

When I was a kid, I was a little clumsy.

Alright, I was a LOT clumsy.

If I could fall off something, I would. I sprained my ankles at least 3 times falling off curbs. I would get black eyes from walking into door. I even have a picture of one, taken illicitly when my mother ran down the laneway to the IDA. I drove into a parked car on my bike once, skidding out and under it, road rashing my entire left side.

I drove into a moving car once, after I had climbed onto my older brother’s 12 speed. I only realized I couldn’t reach anything after I had started to move.

I walked into a jagged piece of glass on the back porch, slicing open my leg. My father didn’t believe I needed stitches, so I covered in in gauze, wrapped a tensor around it, and watched, mesmerized as the blood pooled through it. Took forever to heal, as the scab kept ripping off when I changed the gauze.

I broke my bed while jumping on it. I’d break light bulbs in the socket. I actually stuck my fingers in a light socket once. That’s not clumsy so much as stupid. But I remember my thought process-I figured I would be able to feel the electricity, but I’d be ok if I didn’t touch anything.

I flew about 5 feet back, my glasses flung to one side of the room. I sat up, panting, and giggling.

I do have a point with all this I swear.

No matter what I did to myself as a child, no matter what happened, I would try again. I might whine about it a little, I might bitch and moan. I would get up, dust myself off, and try again, usually twice as hard.

I was not afraid of failure. I was not afraid that I wouldn’t get it right. I just wanted to try again.

In my life, in my professional life, I sometimes fail because I’m afraid, because I worry too much that I might screw up, might look the fool. It’s a hard habit to break-learning to be fearless, learning to trust your voice and intuition and just do it, to use the skills you have and not worry about falling.

After last weeks run in with PMS and the reason why I shouldn’t be allowed to speak out loud when I’m under it’s influence, I’ve decided that I want this week to be a little less whiny, a little less why me and a little more why not? What can I do? What can be different? What can I do to change things? What can I do to make things at least a little more positive?

My life is full of great things-I have two incredible children. I have a loving husband. I have a solid, albeit a needs TLC roof over my head. I have relative stability in a chronic disease, which is more than many people get. I can feed and clothe myself, and my family. I have talents, and a thirst to learn new things.

I have many things in my life which are more than I ever expected. Yet sometimes I anger at the things that aren’t. Instead of getting up from the couch which life has provided, I sit and stew and complain-something I’m not very proud of myself for. I’m alive-I have these gifts all around me. Why complain? Why focus on the could have been of the past when I should focus on the will be of the future.

It’s in my hand after all, and is entirely up to me. So I’ve fallen a few times-I’m still me, and underneath it all, still fearless.

 

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3 Responses to ““Fear paralyzes; curiosity empowers. Be more interested than afraid.””

  1. Hannah April 7, 2008 at 12:40 pm #

    You stuck your finger in a light socket? On purpose? I should be shocked but all I can do is giggle at the thought process. Are your girls similarly risk-takers?

  2. Carin April 7, 2008 at 1:40 pm #

    Wow! That road rash all down your left side made me flinch! And the knee thing. *shiver*. Good luck with all you do.

  3. Gwen April 7, 2008 at 3:57 pm #

    My sister has physical luck similar to yours. I worry about her, still.

    I hope this week is a better one for you.

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