Lithium, where have you taken things?

4 Mar

It’s a beautiful day-finally. For the moment, the sun is shining, the air was warm to the touch, and my nose was filled with promise. What a glorious day to walk into.

But, me being me, a beautiful day sent my mind wandering down the garden path. Ah spring, time of bunnies and flowers and tree buds and…

ok, I’ll come right out with it. Lithium, or something, has ran off with my libido and it’s hiding.

Sure, it could be other things. I’ve been sick, and really tired lately. But it’s frustrating to have the mental will, to have those, you know, “thoughts” and to then have a body which doesn’t seem to give two shits.

Feeling hugely bloated from whatever is wrong isn’t helping at all. The image of a beluga at certain times just voids all other thoughts.

I’m so frustrated by this. It builds a void in a marriage that should be there. For good or ill, sex is the one constant, the one thing we can get right, even when everything else is cruddy or tiring or frustrating. To not have it there is like not having water when thirsty. It’s part of our glue, and when this happens, I get scared.

It’s almost a form of communication in our relationship, and way of saying “We’re ok” when we don’t have the time to do much else. I’m sure “relationship experts” would find this method totally wrong, but for us, it works. That wordless form of togetherness, or entwining into one. It works, for us.

Except right now. My body is betraying me, or I’m letting it, and it’s saddening and frustrating and irritating and I can’t help but feel that somehow, this is my fault. And I scan and search for reasons, and I can’t find any, none that make sense in that perfect aha! sort of way. It all comes back to me.

Me who has no idea how to fix this.


6 Responses to “Lithium, where have you taken things?”

  1. Mogo March 4, 2008 at 10:27 am #

    I don’t know if I’d be quick to blame the lithium… let’s face it, you’ve had plenty of other things ailing you lately, all of which would take me out of the mood if I were dealing with them… it’ll pass, it usually does.

  2. radical mama March 4, 2008 at 10:27 am #

    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I hope things even out with you soon. You have so much crap going on with your body lately, and hopefully spring will usher in some better health all around.

    I think it’s totally normal to see sex as a gage for marital health. Even when John and I are really annoyed with each other, we still have sex and to me that means that in spite of everything, there is love and dedication here. What if it were the opposite? What if we didn’t have sex but always got along really well otherwise? Well, that would be a really great friendship, I guess.

  3. Hannah March 4, 2008 at 12:05 pm #

    This is a scary thing… we went through a patch like this when Isaac was about a year old. My brain was all “yeah, some sex might be nice” but I never got past that sort of vague passing thought before I’d fall asleep. And it became a self-fulfilling prophecy, because the longer we went without the more strained things became, and then I was even more self-conscious and nervy.

    I finally just took a deep breath and started – in my own mind – scheduling together time. Which seemed so cold and foreign at first, but has worked very well.

    It’s all much more spontaneous now, and we’re closer because we weathered a patch where we were more like roommates than lovers – and we survived. I think most couples go through this sometimes. And with all the health issues you’ve been having, it’s not surprising really.

  4. thordora March 4, 2008 at 12:14 pm #

    Getting drunk usually helps. Which while taking Lithium is like, half a beer. 🙂

  5. Netter March 4, 2008 at 2:02 pm #

    I’m with Mogo, don’t blame the lithium. Who feels like having sex when you can’t breathe. But, I’ve been pretty sexless over here for a while. Poor Hubby, sometimes we’re more like roomies than lovers. I like Hannah’s point about scheduling time.

  6. marcelarhodus March 5, 2008 at 5:48 am #

    like they said before me, you’ve taken a “beating” lately, and have not been feeling well for a while now, that totally can affect anyone’s mood…
    now if when you feel well again, if your mojo is not back, then start checking for reasons…

    I totally hear you when you say “It’s almost a form of communication in our relationship, and way of saying “We’re ok” when we don’t have the time to do much else.” but also give your relationship credit and know that love adjusts and waits.

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