The difference between brave and crazy

19 Feb

Brave in our world is taking Lexapro for slight depression.

Crazy is wanting to kill yourself without being depressed.

Sitting here, struggling to work, my head pounding through my head as I pop more and more acetaminophen, I hold the bottle in my hand and wonder if it’s enough.

In the store, I stared at the Entropen and remembered the feeling of that bottle, those pills dry down the back of my throat over 15 years ago.  The packaging has changed, but the jolt of recognition is the same.

I’m not unhappy. I’m not depressed. I don’t want to die. So why are these thoughts dancing in my head, veering in and out? I’m tired, and the breathing thing is starting again, but otherwise, I’m fine. If anything, I’m a bit numb.

The thought that the Lithium has stopped working, that this could possibly happen scares me and makes me just want to lay down and cry.

My will is stronger than my whirling thoughts, so I’m not worried that I’ll do something. What I don’t get is where it’s coming from.

That’s crazy.

12 Responses to “The difference between brave and crazy”

  1. Julie Pippert February 19, 2008 at 2:00 pm #

    (you) here for you.

    Call your doctor. Could be a med interaction, something you’re eating, a cycle hormone shift which requires a dosage tweak…give your doctor the mystery and let him/her solve it with you.

  2. Marcy February 19, 2008 at 4:20 pm #

    Don’t you hate that reactivity — can’t just have feelings without having feelings and thoughts ABOUT the feelings… it’s hard to monitor oneself without going nuts about it.

    Wish you some rest and peace in the midst of it all.

  3. thordora February 19, 2008 at 5:05 pm #

    It’s passed now, but it’s oddly freaky. That dispassionate voice saying “do it dammit DO IT!”

  4. marcelarhodus February 19, 2008 at 8:06 pm #

    maybe it sounds trite, but people without medication or a bipolar diagnosis get those thoughts too… fleeting but annoying… specially hit when you’re sick, down, annoyed, bored or just plain mad.

    I think you’re just touching different areas of the normal spectrum.

    I know I’ve thought abou it, not seriously, but from time to time it creeps into my mind, and then I pull myself together and see how blessed I am and how I should not complain about anything.

  5. Gabriel... February 20, 2008 at 3:09 am #

    “You end up like a dog who’s been beat too much, Till you spend half your life just coverin’ up”

    It’s conditioning… Pavlov should have examined manic depressives. People who don’t get depressed don’t consider suicide an option. It’s not, in any way, rational to consider suicide as an option when things are going well. Maybe, maybe, when their life is at it’s worst the thought of ending Every thing creeps through their minds but things, for you, are not That Bad right now. But there’s the idea, the threat, of suicide dripping in your mind. That’s the remnants of the untreated, unmedicated, unLithiumized You. I found it fascinating to feel those moments and remember how those thoughts used to consume me, but knowing I could examine them within the safety net of my treatment. You’re not feeling Suicidal, you don’t want to Die, but the thought is there… use it as a marker, use it as a memory of the person you Used to be. Then let it pass and get on with being Healthy.

    And… Drink. More. Water.

  6. Candy February 20, 2008 at 10:19 am #

    Is it so odd to think things? Especially things you know you’re not going to actually do?

    I mean…I walk past high places and think about falling off or even jumping off, but I have no intention of doing either. I just think it. Think it through. To the ultimate conclusion, which I then reject and go on about my day.

    If that’s odd, then maybe I have a problem too. But it’s hard to turn one’s brain off sometimes.

  7. thordora February 20, 2008 at 10:23 am #

    I find it odd to have to fight with the compulsion for no good reason. I had it happen again this morning. This violent urge to do something to end it all. It’s scary and odd frankly.

    It’s almost like my brain is daring me to do it.

  8. bromac February 20, 2008 at 11:01 am #

    I might talk with your pdoc about that.

    I, sometimes, have a fleeting thought race through my head about suicide. Either a nasty memory of a time it was all too real, or, sometimes, a thought about how I “would do it” or such. It’s just this random thought that races through my head. I stop. Think: WTF, and it is gone. So very odd.

    But it’s not like I am having to fight the urge. Are you fighting an urge? If so, I would say it is medication related and speak with someone.

  9. thordora February 20, 2008 at 11:22 am #

    If it keeps up, I’m gonna call her. It’s kinda intrusive, but not really….just distrubing

  10. my sad alter ego February 20, 2008 at 2:30 pm #

    I get them too even when I’m ok. I think after a certain amount of time of life having them, they just hang around…

  11. bine February 20, 2008 at 3:36 pm #

    sometimes i think about jumping, falling. from bridges, cliffs, water towers. falling, and never hitting the ground. there are days when i go to bed wishing i wouldn’t wake up in the morning.
    but i never really wished to end my life.
    i sincerely hope he lithium hasn’t stopped working. if you don’t feel unhappy, or depressed, maybe it’s more the fear of the lithium stopping to work than the actual failure of your meds.
    i hope this will pass, go away for good. you still don’t feel secure with the lithium, and i hope it will get better over time.

  12. bipolarlawyercook February 20, 2008 at 9:15 pm #

    Thinking of you. Hope it surrenders forever to your will, and soon.

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