I don’t honestly know what to do with this one.
I get searches for this phrase a few times a week, and generally, I ignore it, pretend it isn’t there. It bothers me. The image of some poor soul browsing the internet, looking for the fastest way to off themselves….it gets to me, eats at me, makes me feel like Ophelia staring into the waters, searching for an answer that just won’t come.
I don’t have the answer. I don’t know how to die quickly. If I did, I imagine I wouldn’t be here writing this. I would have taken that road long ago.
What is it that’s so bad? Your home, your family? Is your life not what you thought it would be? Do you want children? Do you want to be rid of children? Are you in love? Do you wish you could be in love?
Are you lonely? Are you hurting?
I’ve been there. I’ve been in all those horrible fucking places where it hurts to breathe and you just want to go to sleep and not wake up. You want to die, and not have any responsibility for it. You want to let go, release your fingers from the tethers of here and now and float into neverneverland, be a boy forever.
It hurts to even think about being happy where you are. It aches-you pound with a fierce ache that you can’t define or isolate, but it eats you alive. You stare wildly at everything and nothing. The world has narrowed to you, and the pain you feel.
I felt this the day I went into the hospital, the day I finally saw through the hurt and pain and blood filled vision and realized I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to hurt so fucking much anymore. I wanted to feel alive, instead of hollow.
There is no quick way to die, or to live. But there are choices.