Blog for Choice Day

22 Jan

Going through my reader, Mad reminded me that it’s Blog for Choice day. I had no intention on participating since I’m not American, until her post reminded me of my last pregnancy.

Both of my pregnancies were accidents of positioning and stupidity. (Let’s just say that my fertility happens in a very specific way) The first one we could handle-while we had been “childfree” on purpose, we had been dithering about the future, and when we sat and thought about it, it seemed like maybe, we had been careless because on some level, we wanted a child, but were scared of the concept, the responsibility.

Finding out I was pregnant 10 months after having Vivian was not a joyous occasion. I did not want another child, not then. I didn’t not want to be pregnant. I did not want it to be happening.

I tried megadosing on Vitamin C to induce a miscarriage. I researched various herbal methods, black cohosh, pennyroyal, evening primrose. I researched every method available because the only place I could get an abortion was 2 hours away, and the thought of riding a Greyhound bus home, bleeding and cramping with the knowledge that I just ended a potential child didn’t sit well with me.

When I originally found out the “2 doctors” rule, I was incensed. In New Brunswick, in order to get an abortion, you need to have two separate doctors give you permission. Two doctors need to “allow” you to do what you need or want to do with your body. I made an appointment with my OB/GYN who was an older man who once did abortions in this city-I knew I wouldn’t have any trouble getting the referral from him. He understood. He got it.

We all know that I never followed up with that. I changed my appointment to a prenatal appointment instead of a consult for abortion services. I kept my pregnancy, and birthed my daughter 9 months later. At the cost of my sanity.

I’m sure some people would consider this a victory for life, but it’s not. While it’s true that if I really wanted an abortion, I would have found a way there despite everything and I didn’t, I did want one. I love my daughter to death, but I didn’t want to be pregnant again, and feeling forced into the situation from one mistake I made didn’t sit well with me. And in hindsight, I wonder if my body didn’t know something that my mind did. I had already teetered on the crazy fence with Vivian. Maybe my mind knew being pregnant so soon was a bad idea. Who knows.

I have always resented and despised this province for this. For the fact that I felt forced into a pregnancy I was ill equipped to have, because other people, mainly men, have made these decisions for me. These men who are the same people who steal funding away from mental illness programs, only promising more when people kill or are killed. (Mike Murphy, I’m looking RIGHT at you) The government in this province are making decisions for women that will continue to impact towns and cities and people.

I should have been more careful, and not gotten caught up in the moment the day Rosalyn was conceived. But I wasn’t. And when I needed the services I pay for with 20% of my income, they weren’t there.

Hardly a fair and equitable health care system now is it.

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5 Responses to “Blog for Choice Day”

  1. Kelly O January 22, 2008 at 8:22 pm #

    This was a great post. I completely understand, and I really appreciate your intelligence and candor. *swak*

  2. Marcela January 23, 2008 at 8:16 am #

    “I love my daughter to death, but I didn’t want to be pregnant again”

    That is such a light-stricking sentence.
    I’m certain that at some point in every pregnancy, we all think that or a variation of it. I know I did and both my pregnancies were planned. But both times I reached moments in which I did not want to be pregnant.

    The medical system is so flawed, and the worst part is that males that will never understand what it means to have someone growing inside your body are making decisions and stopping decisions.

    My grandma had this mantra she’d say over and over again like a broken record: Everything happens for a reason.
    maybe your body indeed was telling you that it would be not a good idea to be pregnant, maybe being pregnant pushed everything forward in a way that you would not have chosen. Destiny is not a matter of chance, it’s a matter of choice, and you did choose in the end…
    Going with my grandma’s mantra, I’d say that she’s here for a powerful reason, even if it’s not been an easy ride… but then again, remember that life is not pink, easy or perfect. yet it need not be to be wonderful.

  3. thordora January 23, 2008 at 8:20 am #

    She’s here because she’s freaking ADORABLE, and she lights up my life in ways I would have never expected.

    But yeah-Mogo has brought up the fact that if Rosalyn hadn’t of been conceived, the bipolar wouldn’t have been identified and I would have just been continually a fuck up, instead of someone on a path to wellness.

    And she’s cute. Did I mention that? 🙂

  4. Mad Hatter January 27, 2008 at 11:26 pm #

    Thanks for writing this, Thor. This frickin’ system out here is wrong. That’s all there is to it. (BTW, just getting caught up on a week’s worth of posting. You ARE prolific).

  5. thordora January 28, 2008 at 12:13 am #

    I’m not THAT bad…I always feel like I don’t post enough.

    I’m still so irritated at the “system” in this province for stealing my choices from me. All I need to do is look at the children up the street from my house who carry children, who ask their friends if it’s ok to leave them sleeping and go out for a few hours to know that we don’t even have the illusion of choice in this province, especially this city, a city where they protested abortions on the street with full color signs of fetal remains.

    I just get so worked up talking about it…

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