“Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”

21 Jan

Often, I don’t think very nice things about myself.

Maybe because I’m bipolar. Maybe because I was abused. Maybe because I’m fat. Maybe because I’m just bigger than other people. Whatever the reason, I have, quite possibly, the worst self esteem you can find.

I hide it well. I try not to make depreciating comments in front of other people, since they find it annoying, and think I’m fishing for compliments. But I find myself ugly, stupid, inconsiderate and small minded most days. Perhaps I’m too hard on myself like Mogo says sometimes. But I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold most people to-and that’s pretty damn high. I’m not easy to please, and I don’t suffer fools.

It’s not to say that I don’t enjoy life-I do. But I don’t really look at myself as a good person.

Which is why lately, people have been surprising me by being good to me.

I’m sure there’s some kind of meme attached to “being nice”, but I can’t be bothered to find one. But I wanted to recognize three individuals who are being extra special nice to me, for no apparent reason.

  • One of my daily smiles, Marcela, decided to not only send me some Hello Kitty Chopsticks that I lusted after, she also decided to throw in some local goodies. For me! (She also said some super nice things.) I love reading her thoughts about her family and her love for them. Every morning she puts a gentle smile on my face, and a reminder in my heart to love the people around me, even when they drive me batty. She tells me I make her think-she makes my heart hurt.
  • Daureen, who is currently beautifully pregnant with her first daughter, sent me a special something for Amazon. (And we all know that the way to my heart is to let me buy books without guilt) She tells me it’s because I give so much of myself when I write, which honestly, I don’t think is true. I let go of what needs to be purged, nothing more. Now run on over there, and tell her how lovely she looks, mid way through her first pregnancy. I’d pay money to look like that NOW. 🙂
  • Eden is being nice enough to record an entire tape of Yo Gabba Gabba for me since we don’t have the show up her in the frigid north. Now, while I’m bribing her with some kid mohair I won’t be using from my Louet stash, she’s still being awesome enough to do it for us. Now all I need to do is drag my sorry ass up to the post office.

Many of you say so many nice things to me all the time, and I forget to properly thank all of you as well. Many of my days have been made that much more tolerable knowing that you all are out there.

But I really wanted to give a shout out to these three women, who have made my gloomy January a lot sweeter. YOU FREAKING RULE.

that is all.

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9 Responses to ““Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.””

  1. juliepippert January 21, 2008 at 7:57 pm #

    Sometimes I am mean to myself too. I can’t recall when but then that started to feel selfish because it made me not, well, be my best. So then I was meaner to myself. Then I decided to try hard to see myself as others see me, which happens to really not be as critically as I assume. If that makes any sense LOL.

    Anyway, awesome friend and friends you are and have.

    So glad.

  2. marcelarhodus January 22, 2008 at 2:30 am #

    you rule as well!

    and yes, you’re too hard on yourself, but it does make sense that you hold yourself to a higher standard… just don’t make it too high, ok?

  3. charlotteotter January 22, 2008 at 3:53 am #

    I have also been lucky enough to find strange and unusual kindness via blogging. It has come as a complete surprise to me, and is a help as I do sometimes feel adrift in my expat life. Glad to hear that you have wonderful people being kind to you, Thordora!

  4. Marcy January 22, 2008 at 9:52 am #

    I sort of love / hate it when people tell me I’m too hard on myself. Because if I wasn’t so hard on myself, other people would have no sympathy for me, and they’d be hard on me instead. I know exactly how wonderful I am — and how ugly.

  5. radical mama January 22, 2008 at 10:37 am #

    Wait… you WANT to watch Yo Gabba Gabba? *cough, cough* weirdo *cough*

  6. thordora January 22, 2008 at 10:52 am #

    It’s AWESOME! You’re insane! Who can beat the genius that is “Party In My Tummy?!?!?!?!?

  7. Eden January 22, 2008 at 12:34 pm #

    It is b/c you are teh awesome 😉 The show just started & I thought of you. It’s my fave episode: “EAT.” Wait until you learn the song “Party in my Tummy.” Ee-yeaaaah! Yesterday they ran Spongebob all morning so I had to go down & rewind & tape over that. So this means I checked the tape and it’s actually recording YGG instead of Wonderpets now. The tape should be full at the end of the week & I’ll be able to send then. I can make another one afterward; I don’t know how many episodes there are.

  8. Eden January 22, 2008 at 12:35 pm #

    And now I read the comments & I’m like, “Oh she KNOWS ‘Party in my Tummy’.” So yummy! So yummy!

  9. thordora January 22, 2008 at 12:52 pm #

    “We wanna go to the party! The party in your tummy!”

    dada da da dada da da daad

    SQUEE!

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