I’m sorry Britney Spears.

4 Jan

Who isn’t there honey? What caused that aching void that eats you up at night, that fills your body with toxicity, which keeps your hands shaking and your mouth turned up slightly in a nervous grin? What monster moves you, jerks your body from side to side, makes you late, makes you sick, makes you so unreal you nearly cease to exist?

Today, in more places than I could count, on freaking BBC News you were there, on a stretcher, in your glory. I can’t watch, I won’t watch, but despite myself I read. I read about a hammer being used to tear down a door, small children held as pawns, a woman surrounded by people incapable, or perhaps unwilling to help. I can imagine you there, huddled between the toilet and the wall, shaking, wailing silently into yourself, your money no protection or solace, maybe just the cold clink of a whisky sour in your hand, diluted only by tears. Maybe you stare into the distance, giggling through tears about ending it all, about the fantastic movie it will make some day, about how your sons will have money, in their trust, for years when you aren’t there.

Maybe you stare at your wrists and will it to be so.

They laugh when we call it bipolar, or post partum. How could we know? We only see what we see, what they let us see, what we want to see. But some of us know, oh how sorrowfully we know, the full depths of despair, that which cannot be quenched with things or placating voices, that place that calls to you late at night, the place which spurns even the fruit of your loins, and beckons, like a siren calling you home.

I ache for you Britney. I ache for what you’ve become-for what has happened, for what people have done to you. I can see some of me in you-two children too close, an itch that cannot be satisfied, a need to be recognized. A want for love and security and all those things Hallmark has told us were simple and true and available at any time. You want the dream, and dammit, you were supposed to have it. So what happened? Why did your brain, and body betray you so?

We’ll blame your mother now you know. Not your father, oh no. Just your mother. She who raised you, who raised two daughters who seem to not know any better. We’ll hitch up our pants and feel superior, clearing our throats we’ll say “Not my daughter, nope.” and gloat silently, unaware of what awaits us in 10 years or so.

It’s so easy to be right when we aren’t there yet. It’s so easy to forget that children are people, not merely stretches of light from their parents arms, but people, cacti that will do as they wish, especially with an entourage and millions of dollars. All the mothering in the world can’t fix the worldly overwhelming you endured.

You’ll make some people feel better about themselves, having someone to laugh at, to point at, to consider worse than them. You’ll be the worst case scenario, but they won’t write a book on how to survive you. You’ll be laughed at, mocked, judged, and eventually forgotten until you manage to slice through your delicate wrists, or you perform a comeback tour at 50. We’ve destroyed you, yet we will completely, and utterly forget you. Pop WILL eat itself.

I’m sorry Britney. Mother to Mother, crazy to crazy, I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know.

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15 Responses to “I’m sorry Britney Spears.”

  1. Mrs. Chicken January 4, 2008 at 9:01 pm #

    I feel this way too, this poor woman. This girl, really. She was tarted out to the devouring public and now just look. The kids, the carnage. The despair.

    I really feel for her. This was magnificent.

  2. cerebralmum January 4, 2008 at 9:28 pm #

    I started crying as I read this. I haven’t been watching the news lately, but I just saw some of it. I’m still crying.

  3. marcelarhodus January 4, 2008 at 9:53 pm #

    your words are so true.
    I hope she can find hope and light, real help for herself and her kids.

    I wish all the media would just leave her alone.

  4. Kathy January 4, 2008 at 10:34 pm #

    I’ve been reluctantly following the Britney story (or just not trying hard enough to avoid it).

    I think of everyone one I know who struggles with mental illness, or every artist I respect who has same problems (substance abuse, depression) without the Britney-level fame, and I can’t watch without hefty dose of hypocrisy.

  5. Judy January 4, 2008 at 11:45 pm #

    Very well said.

    I’ve read the stories, but feel such guilt for doing so.

    I wish there was some way to help her. Silly, i know, to want to help the “poor little rich girl” who I’ve never even met, but I just feel for her so much, and can’t imagine what it must be like to go through all of this with the whole world watching.

    The craziest part was a little video clip I saw that showed all the paparazzi (sp?) – it looked like hundreds of people, with cameras and cell phones. It was crazy. I’m a supporter of the First Amendment, but isn’t there something they can do to stop it all? Doesn’t this fall somewhere like yelling fire in a theater? It should not be allowed, especially at a hospital. It’s putting people’s lives in danger.

    Poor Britney. I never thought I’d say that.

  6. alimum January 5, 2008 at 12:35 am #

    yes.

    so many times in the last few years, I wanted to take her by the shoulders and say something. that man isn’t good for you. you have the capacity to be a good mother to your boys, we all make mistakes. whatever it was that happened to you, it wasn’t your fault. don’t give up.

    I am angry at all the people who have failed her. I am angry at every single member of the press who could have walked up to her and said something human to her, but instead chose to take her picture and heckle her (because, you know, you can get even more money for a picture of her taking a swing at you). I am angry at all the people who could help her now, but won’t because she is worth more to them as a train wreck or dead.

  7. juliepippert January 5, 2008 at 1:10 am #

    Yes, this is it.

    And I can’t help it—and I the only one?—to see not one Spears daughter but two eaten up inside in a way that makes me wonder more than a little about sexual abuse.

    This is so much deeper than immature girl making poor choices.

    This is someone in so much pain she can’t care, not properly, about herself, her life or even her kids.

    Such a cry for help breaks my heart.

  8. Ragnhild January 5, 2008 at 9:29 am #

    Your words are so true. There is so much that lies behind what we see in the media.

    Britney is a strong woman trapped in a place she can’t get out of without substantial help. I sure hope she gets it.

  9. crunchy January 5, 2008 at 2:36 pm #

    I feel the same…..all I keep saying is ‘where are the people who are supposed to love her and care for her.?’

    What will the hungry public say when it all ends horribly.

  10. Sybil Law January 5, 2008 at 11:31 pm #

    I feel the same way for her. I’ll admit, that in the beginning, it was fun to laugh at what I thought were merely stupid decisions on her part. But pretty quickly – faster than my friends – I could see she was seriously hurt, and felt sorry for her. People never understood why. You just summed it up so perfectly.
    I really hope she gets whatever kind of help she needs!

  11. Jen January 6, 2008 at 2:34 pm #

    oh me too. it’s just too sad to watch, and I wonder why it seems like nobody is there for her.

  12. lildb January 6, 2008 at 4:36 pm #

    If she were to stumble on these words, your post, these comments, the concern and support and compassion from other mothers, other women, other humans.

    if only.

  13. Bon January 6, 2008 at 5:11 pm #

    fabulous post, Thor, and full of empathy and understanding i just can’t muster for her…because her entire career has never been about presenting a human of any sort to the public but capitalizing on the most tawdry market sensibilities of the Kmart nation and manipulating those…but i do recognize that you’re right. under all that, apparently, is some sort of human in trouble. and it’s really, really sad to watch.

    yet i’m still not sure “we’ve” destroyed her. i do think she’s bitten off more than she bargained for in terms of the celebridee game, and that’s got to be wretched. but i can’t help but think sometimes that the whole story arc HAS to end this way, the empty vacuous virginal whore bimbo one always does.

    what i hope for her is that she realizes she doesn’t have to BE that story arc, that maybe there’s a real person in there after all.

  14. Jenn February 25, 2008 at 9:09 pm #

    This is just rediculous! What have we as humans come to when it makes us all feel better to read stories of rich people in anguish. That smutt magazines can make so much money publishing peoples pain and anguish? And we pay to see it. Tune in to see what is going on like sick twisted voyers eating other peoples dispare. Without us the readers and watchers none of this would be possible. Really at the end of the day what is it going to take before humanity stands back and refuses to take sunday morning pleasure reading to this kind of sick obsession with other peoples private pain? It sickens me to the very core of my being. What brought us here and what will free us? When did we all become so insecure that we take pleasure in others “faults” illnesses and heartache. The day humanity puts the magazines down and tunes out when some celebrity is being picked apart and “exposed” is the day humanity will gain something invaluable. Here is to hoping the future will bring celebrities some peace. and essentially we will all be better for it

  15. stephen December 2, 2008 at 5:48 pm #

    Im HAte The Way Everyone Is Making Britney Feel,,

    Shes A Credit To Earth & Should Be Acknoledge

    Shes The Best

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