“Madness need not be all breakdown. It may also be break-through. It is potential liberation and renewal as well as enslavement and existential death.”

31 Dec

I suppose this is where I make some maudlin post about 2007, make some cute listing of my favorite posts, a best of compilation, my own personal K-Tel collection.

But I won’t.

2007 will not go down in my history as a wonderful year. It will not be one I remember fondly, not really.

2007 will be remembered as one of the hardest years I’ve ever had.

This will be the year I remember as going crazy. July was the hardest, most terrifying month  I’ve had in a long time. Facing my disease-truly facing it, and coming to terms with what it means-facing my demons-I would have preferred to face gunfire. Alone in a room, contemplating what brought me to such a low place, sobbing at a bewildered ER doctor that all I wanted to do was die, heaving through an anxiety attack as I attempted to catch my breath. The relief as they placed an Ativan in my hand, looked me in the eye and said “You’ll be ok. We’ll take care of you.”

Placing my life in the hands of others, completely. Something I’ve never done before. The freedom in casting off the bonds that kept me from asking for help. Asking for help was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Coming out the other side-with a doctor and real drugs and the sense that I had finally grown up a little bit and faced what was slowly destroying me was an odd sensation. Coming back out into the world after the womblike environment of the mental ward-I felt reborn, given a second chance. Allowed to be, allowed to enjoy life, instead of just living it and biding my time until I finally get it right and off myself. Allowed to breathe clean air.

It’s still difficult. It’s not like I woke up normal or anything. Everyday is different, and some days are trials. But more and more, life resembles what it was before I went right nuts.

And I did go nuts. Looking back, I can see where the disconnect happened, I can feel it. And I can mourn that lost time.

This past year hasn’t been totally onerous. I fully realized how much I love Mogo, what he means to me, how lost I’d be without him (even when he drives me completely batshit). How lucky I am to have someone who is there for me through all of this, even when he’s scared or angered by it. I realized I still love to write, but that it’s harder when not driven by some flappable muse.

Despite weight gain, I’ve come to accept and cherish my body for what it is. I’ve learned that only I can make it into what I want. (Actually doing so, is another problem altogether).

I’ve learned that I like kale, yet still mostly hate asparagus. My feet have somehow gotten even bigger. I’ve started keeping my hair dyed black. Red has become my favorite color. I’ve never had a favorite color before.

I learned that I’m not a bad person.

So no, this isn’t one of those maudlin collections of stuff I’ve already talked about. It’s more of a recap. A nod of a head to the past, and a finger pointed to the future. A future I never imagined I’d actually have.

Happy New Year.

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12 Responses to ““Madness need not be all breakdown. It may also be break-through. It is potential liberation and renewal as well as enslavement and existential death.””

  1. radical mama December 31, 2007 at 10:43 am #

    It has been a hard year for you, but I am happy for all of your disoveries. Sometimes the hardest times are the most important.

  2. Jen December 31, 2007 at 11:37 am #

    Here’s hoping 2008 is the bright future you deserve!

  3. daisybones December 31, 2007 at 12:13 pm #

    Best wishes for the coming year and all those ahead:)

    I’m happy reading this post and the place of wisdom where you’ve arrived after this hard, hard year.

    I LOVE black hair. Rock on:)

  4. Hannah December 31, 2007 at 3:12 pm #

    It’s been a rough year for you, indeed – I think I found your blog in September maybe? I can see the difference in your state of mind and I’ve been cheering for you every step of the way.

    Here’s to a more stable 2008. And lots of waffles.

  5. meredith December 31, 2007 at 4:15 pm #

    I am thankful that my 2007 allowed my to ‘meet’ a few new friends, like you. Stay healthy and happy for 2008. We will brave the “Vivienne/Vivian’s” together and PREVAIL!

  6. Bon December 31, 2007 at 8:01 pm #

    this was a pretty beautiful recap, my friend.

    here’s to having a favourite colour, and to the future, and maybe a cup of coffee next time we manage to get ourselves to the big city?

    may 2008 be good to you.

  7. marcelarhodus January 1, 2008 at 3:13 am #

    “I learned that I’m not a bad person.”

    you’re more than not a bad person… you are inspiring and honest, and more wonderful than you can see.
    I know it may not mean much to read this from someone you’ve never seen, yet your words and the side of yourself you show here mean a lot to me and I’m thankful for you. You touch more lives than you know.

    May 2008 be a year that you remember with joy and love.

  8. bine January 1, 2008 at 11:00 am #

    happy new year, thor. it sounds like 2007 ended on a good note for you.
    i hope 2008 will bring everything you wish for, change as well as stability.

    can you tell me what and whom you quoted in this post’s title?

  9. thordora January 1, 2008 at 3:35 pm #

    R.D. Laing. Not sure of the work though.

    And thanks! I’m hoping this year will be only good things for me, and for all of you. Especially those of us possibly going to Italy, who I will not name nor call nasty things out of jealousy. 🙂

  10. nursemyra January 2, 2008 at 3:48 am #

    hey red’s my favourite colour too. hope it’s a red hot year for both of us

  11. Mad Hatter January 3, 2008 at 1:40 pm #

    I am glad that you came out the other side, that the drugs and the doctor found you.

  12. Marcy January 3, 2008 at 7:21 pm #

    Happy New Year — stunning post.

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