“The madness of depression is the antithesis of violence. It is a storm indeed, but a storm of murk.”

27 Dec

Depression is like peeling your fingernail off just slightly on the edge. It hurts, but not all the time-sometimes it peaks and makes your blurt the f-word off the top of your tongue, other times it’s a dull ache that resounds through your head, whispering slightly to you.

For the first time in my life, I’m depressed, and I don’t really know why. I don’t have bipolar to blame. No one has hurt me. Nothing has gone wrong. And yet, my chest feels hollow, my eyes stretched and full of tears I can’t shed unless I get mad, and my voice is lost. I feel sick to my stomach, and confused. I don’t know what to make of all this. I don’t have the answer to “what’s wrong?” or “what’s your problem?”. I don’t have a problem, I’m just….sad. Awaiting disappointment, listless, and upset.

I don’t know why. I have no concrete reason for feeling like shit. And I don’t feel like I’m allowed to feel this way. I feel like it’s expected that Lithium is the answer-that everything will be right with the world if I just take the pills. But it’s not-something is still slightly broken, a little torn, crumpled. Something conspires to keep me from feeling right. Something keeps the tears behind my eyes, something keeps me waiting for a goodness I don’t have a name for.

I have everything a person could want. Yet I hunger for something nameless. I stare at my daughters, singing, laughing, and find myself snapping at them to shut up. My oldest asks me if I’m happy today, or if I’m still mad.

Am I still mad. If only she never had to ask that question.

I don’t know what’s wrong. There’s too many people in my house, I’m surrounded by chaos, I’ve barely a moment for me, and there’s constant noise. I’m losing me-she’s floating in space these past few days, and it’s like I’m not allowed to reclaim her.

Never enough space, or time for me it seems.

But maybe that’s just melodrama. I don’t even know anymore.

12 Responses to ““The madness of depression is the antithesis of violence. It is a storm indeed, but a storm of murk.””

  1. Candy December 27, 2007 at 3:10 pm #

    Could it be you just need to adjust your meds? I know so very little about this stuff, but I’ve heard it can take a while to get things just right. Speak to your doctor?

  2. bine December 27, 2007 at 3:22 pm #

    judging the way i feel at the moment and the fact that you should be okay because of the lithium i’d say welcome to the world of seasonal affective disorder. the cold and darkness get everyone depressed and bitchy.

  3. Gabriel... December 27, 2007 at 4:02 pm #

    It’s probably the “snow falling on my blog” thing. Vitamin D supplements and ask your doctor for one of those special lamps… my doctor is pushing it on me. But it’s probably the snow falling across the screen thing.

  4. thordora December 27, 2007 at 4:04 pm #

    I like the snow! :O)

    I was already thinking of picking up some Vitamin D….and getting the FUCK out of the house.

  5. nyjlm December 27, 2007 at 6:06 pm #

    There are so many things I want to say to you. And yet I don’t want to come across as some internet freak. *grin*

    Your posts this week- oh how I know these feelings you’ve been having. I spent this holiday week feeling depressed, not thinking myself worthy of depression or sadness, angry at not being understood, and wishing for some amazing gift (mind you, I really have no idea what this gift would have been). We got home from the il’s last night and I was overtaken by such a sense of relief at being home (thank you dh for having the wisdom to know that staying through New Year’s would have been oh so bad for me). At the same time I felt a sense of sadness at not having taken advantage of all of the good times I could have had.

    Part of me thinks I’m into mental melodramatics, that all this isn’t real- I’m not suffering, I’m a complainer, and should just get over it and grow up. Deep down I don’t believe that, but when I can’t remember why I had a miserable time this week, damn, I sure doubt myself.

    Thordora, I give you permission to feel depressed. I give you permission to wish for that dream gift, given from the heart, and I give you permission for feeling sad for not getting that magical gift.

  6. sweetsalty kate December 27, 2007 at 7:01 pm #

    Whatever meds or therapies or labels some might apply, I’ll add that this sounds like normal life as a tired working mama.

    ‘Cause if it’s not, then I need some pills too.

  7. Amie December 27, 2007 at 7:17 pm #

    Again I can totally relate to what you’ve written. I suppose maybe sometimes we do just feel sad and don’t really have a reason. And the most annoying thing is feelling like you shouldn’t show how you are feeling.. like its expected for you to be ok.
    I hope the feeling will go away by itself. Maybe once the holidays are over and a sense of normality (whatever that is) returns you might feel a little more ‘normal’? I hope so anyway x

  8. Heather (AmeriMama) December 27, 2007 at 8:11 pm #

    Maybe it’s just the holiday season and the weather and everything creeping up on you. The holiday season has been hell for me.

  9. Mad Hatter December 27, 2007 at 9:06 pm #

    What Kate said.

    I also want to add that this time of year is emotionally draining. Try to let it all ride even though that may seem impossible.

    I like the snow, btw.

  10. Marcy December 28, 2007 at 11:20 am #

    I’m in a hurry so I didn’t read the other comments, sorry.

    Whatever you feel, you go ahead and feel, and you have every right to your feelings. Feelings have no moral content — they don’t require any permission. They always have a reason, rational or not.

    You can recognize what you have, remind yourself to be grateful, and all that, and still know that nothing is ever enough, and that you have reason to still feel longing for what you don’t have.

    Peace to you in all this.

  11. bromac December 29, 2007 at 9:24 am #

    Sounds like plain ole chemical depression to me. We search and search for the reasos. We chastise ourselves when there are none. There doesn’t have to be a reason. It just is. It’s just our brain.

    But what you have to do is fight the chemicals. You know there is nothing to be depressed about. So convince your brain. Fake it til you make it. Tell yourself, every second if you have to, that you’re ok. Hug the girls. Make more waffles. Get some vitamin D.

    Fight it.

  12. marcelarhodus December 29, 2007 at 11:16 pm #

    “There’s too many people in my house, I’m surrounded by chaos, I’ve barely a moment for me, and there’s constant noise. I’m losing me-she’s floating in space these past few days, and it’s like I’m not allowed to reclaim her.
    Never enough space, or time for me it seems”

    you read my soul when you were writing this post…

    ups and downs… we all have them.
    You are never alone.

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