Beh.

26 Dec

I’m depressed. This is a strange feeling, not being accompanied by suicidal thoughts. But I am low, I am down, and I am whiny and moany in my head, irritated at myself and just plain annoyed.

Getting a vacuum has triggered something it seems.

I’ve been moping around because it reminds me of all the other years, every year that was filled with disappointment, with let down. It reminded me why I should never get my hopes up, why I should stop thinking that other people know me, really know me. Because no one does it seems.

I feel selfish writing this. I have people who love me, people who provided gifts for me with the best of intentions, with the hope that I would like them. But as I spent some of Christmas cleaning, and a lot of today doing laundry, I was reminded that me, the person who lives where no one can hear me cry, is rarely ever seen anymore, that she’s lost behind being an adult and a parent and being responsible. People know me so little that I should be pleased with such personless gifts.

The feeling that so little is thought of me is disturbing at best. Is this what I’ve become?

I’m not starving. We aren’t destitute. So why does all of this make me feel so fucking bad? It’s just Christmas!

But since I was a little girl, I always had a dream that my one surprise would be there, or that maybe everything in my life would work out and be ok. I pin too much on one day, and end up feeling alone, even in the midst of people and children who will.not.leave.me.alone.

I just feel like I can’t grow up out of this, and it’s pissing me off even more.

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10 Responses to “Beh.”

  1. allyo December 27, 2007 at 12:13 am #

    My two cents? You’re upset because you have things that need to be processed still, and with the meds finally working, you’re approaching it with a clear head.

    (Ok, this snow effect is really cute but is also freaking me out a little!)

    All I can say is, I’m 37, and for the first time in my adult life I emerged from the holiday without a single hurt feeling. For lots of reasons, internal and external, but still. It’s sad, and yet I think I’m lucky too.

    Holidays carry lots of baggage. For most of us.

  2. jen December 27, 2007 at 1:06 am #

    oh sister. that little girl you. i want to sit with her for awhile.

  3. Gabriel... December 27, 2007 at 3:19 am #

    Time to start dealing with the stuff you haven’t been able to deal with… now that you can get depressed and into funks without thinking about suicide (it might still be a little early though) you can start working your way through the Lists. As for your Christmas Blah… it’s the commercials.

    This could very well be the first Christmas I wasn’t, on some level, disappointed. I think it might have something to do with the pills, but I think it has more to do with working some of the depressing issues out. There are triggers in our lives… like an alcoholic who should never hang out with a pot smoker, we Depressives should not be exposed to Happy Smiley People everywhere we look. Happy People, even Fake ones, are triggers for Us. We see them relentlessly and it reminds us of all the reasons we’re Not happy.

    The fact you have a washing machine does not mean you cannot be depressed… the fact you feel guilty because you’re depressed even though you have Stuff is common but silly. Stuff does not equal Happy. Stuff is totally neutral. If you’re depressed look into the Why and fuck the guilt. In fact, losing that irrational guilt is an amazing way to actually examine the crap making you depressed.

  4. marcelarhodus December 27, 2007 at 6:56 am #

    “But as I spent some of Christmas cleaning, and a lot of today doing laundry, I was reminded that me, the person who lives where no one can hear me cry, is rarely ever seen anymore, that she’s lost behind being an adult and a parent and being responsible. People know me so little that I should be pleased with such personless gifts.”

    the first thing that came to my mind is that it’s not that people don’t know you… well, at least it has nothing to do with the gifts… so many times people give gifts that they consider good/useful/wished for but in reality don’t think much of what the person wants. I think the vacuum got given to you because someone thought you’d use it not cause they thought you’d like it. does that make sense?

    on the other hand, it’s not entirely bad that not everyone knows you, the real deep you. I believe in selecting those that know you, for only those that truly know you can hurt you. of course it’s annoying when people claim to know you and then make it obvious that they don’t. but it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

    you’re dead right that the person in so many of us gets lots in being a parent and an adult, in being responsible… and sometimes it even seems like it’s fading away. and that sure is a reason to be depressed, but as long as you don’t let go of who you are and you don’t let yourself down, that person will never go away.

    Christmas and the gifts that come with it are prime for disappointment as they seem to point out at who people think we are, but really so many times it just points out at how little time people invest in really thinking of the one that will recevie the present.

    can I be corny and send you a hug?
    I totally hear you, and as usual you have given me food for thought.

  5. Amie December 27, 2007 at 7:38 am #

    You’re certainly not alone in feeling like this. My christmas day was ruined by ‘bad thoughts’. I didn’t get a single present. Its not that we’re ungrateful, its just that its christmas, its supposed to be a magical day filled with hope and joy. But sadly it just never is like that. As we become adults the magic just seems to disappear and christmas is just another day. If only we could go back to the childhood wonder? I personally am glad that christmas is out of the way now and some sense of normality can resume!
    I love the snowing page by the way 🙂 hehe. Did you guys have snow at Christmas?

  6. thordora December 27, 2007 at 10:27 am #

    Amie-we had a LOT of snow a few weeks ago-it rained a few days back, has been nice and mild (FINALLY) and today it’s going to snow 15-20 cms or something (about 8-10 inches I guess).

    The past few years it hasn’t snowed at Christmas, but then on Boxing Day, we’d get a HUGE dumping.

    Gabe, I think you’re right. My husband said most of the same stuff last night, and I was thinking of it too. What’s really throwing me for a loop is dealing with emotion on it’s own-not as a byproduct of the disease. Trying to determine when it IS real.

    It’s scary-really, truly feeling things….

  7. sara December 27, 2007 at 11:03 am #

    I know where you’re coming from, the whole loss of suicidal thoughts. I’ve been on Lithium/haldol for 6 months now, and I’ve had several depressions since then strangely minus the desire to do myself in, which is oddly scary in itself, like I’ve lost an old friend, lost my out. I’m sorry about your crummy gift, and your loneliness. You know, about that whole, no one knowing you thing, sometimes, me personally, I even wonder if I know me. Do you ever wonder that?

  8. thordora December 27, 2007 at 11:06 am #

    every single day.

    I worry that I’ve made myself too obtuse for my own good. That my quest to keep everyone at arms length, I’ve ruined any chances of someone really knowing me. And that I’ve ruined any chances of knowing myself.

    I’m 30, and I don’t know what I want, who I want to be, where I want to go. I toy with options, but at the end of the day, I just don’t really know, and it freaks me out.

    And losing suicide as a valid option….it’s almost like losing a limb. It was always there, an escape, a reliable wall to lean on. Without it, I feel almost lost.

    How fucking ironic is that?

  9. Amie December 27, 2007 at 11:20 am #

    Ooohh! We don’t get a lot of snow over here! I suppose I’m happy of that really hehe

  10. Candy December 27, 2007 at 11:49 am #

    Your last two posts have really struck a chord with me. I don’t know about the depression and the meds side, because I don’t have that sort of thing going on, but the idea of personless presents, and why doesn’t anyone know ME…that I relate to.

    I remember about 10 years ago, thinking, no one knows the real me. Certainly not my husband, who if asked probably couldn’t pass a trivia questionnaire about me. He never asks, and I don’t tell. And people are too wrapped up in themselves to ask or to care. So we spend our lives being invisible. Sometimes it gets to be to much.

    I think that’s why I blog, to be honest. So I can tell SOMEONE about ME! Because I do exist, and I am tired of being invisible. And I know any one of the wonderful people who read my blog could probably buy me the perfect gift.

    I know this doesn’t really help. But I do understand how you feel, sort of. A little.

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