“A man’s dreams are an index to his greatness.”

8 Dec

As I sit here working up the will to do some work on a Saturday night (oh how glam my life is!) I can’t help but ponder Marcela’s question “What is my dream job.”

Aside from being a kept woman? 😛

I don’t really have a dream job-I never had. Granted, I’m a woman who has never had dreams, who is new to this whole dream business, but I don’t recall ever feeling passionate about anything. When I was young, maybe 5 or 6, I wanted to be an artist and a paleontologist, and maybe an archaeologist. When I got a little bit older, and watched my first major production on stage,  I said to myself that I wanted to be an actress-I wanted to be up on that stage making others feel as I felt that day, moved.

A few years of high school drama and I never want to set foot on another stage again.

I’d say I want to be a poet, but I don’t have the discipline required for real writing, for true, honest day to day writing. My temperament dictates when I write, and generally speaking, publishers don’t dig that. Plus, I’m not sure what I have that I want to say.

I’d love to be able to help people, but I wouldn’t be able to deal with it when it goes bad. Hell, after 6 months or so volunteering at an AIDS hospice, I just couldn’t take it anymore. It was all just so sad and useless. Meaningless. Watching someone dying from AIDS and cancer, covered in tumours, meeting her son for the first time in years-I just couldn’t do it. I’m weak.

My dream job then, the thing I want to someday fight for and become, is a midwife.

Having my children was a turning point in my life. A difficult one at times, a trial, but the crossover line from childhood to adulthood for me. My births, as scary as they were at times, as miraculous as they were, could have been something even more inspiring. I could have been surrounded by women willing me on, supporting me instead of impatiently trying to get me to accept the epidural. I could have felt included in a sisterhood-instead, I felt like a problem that needed to be solved.

I want to be part of that solution. I want to help guide life into this world. I want to bridge the gap for other mothers between maiden and mother, between 1 child, and more. I want to let the beauty of birth shine, and be as it should be, a natural process.

I never had this dream before giving birth. I thought midwives were cool, but I had no desire to be one. But now-it’s like something is calling me to learn, to become a welcoming presence for other women. To help usher in a new age for birth in our culture. We’ve come so far away from what it should be-why did we ever think men knew best?

Will it happen? I dunno. This province doesn’t support midwifery (shocking I know) at present, and some of the better training is in other provinces. I’d need to train under other midwifes. I’d need time, and money, two things I don’t really have. I also want to finish my English degree at some point in the next ten years-where’s that time?

I wish I could have had dreams, real dreams years ago when it would have mattered. Now it just seems like a waste of time.

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12 Responses to ““A man’s dreams are an index to his greatness.””

  1. nursemyra December 8, 2007 at 10:04 pm #

    no no no it’s never a waste having dreams. when your children are small they take up so much of your time, it’s hard to keep your head above water especially if you also have other things in life that may be troubling you

    they’ll be grown up in the blink of an eye (I can say this from experience) though it doesn’t seem so at the time. you are much too talented to ignore your dreams. they may change as you grow older but you have what it takes to achieve them

  2. charlotteotter December 9, 2007 at 2:46 am #

    I agree that midwifery is a wonderful career. It would be amazing if you could study it.

  3. artemis2 December 9, 2007 at 3:18 am #

    I had a wonderful midwife with my third child and she made the whole experience so much better. I was hooked up to an intravenous drip because of needing to be induced because of diabetes. I was alone because my husband was at home looking after our kids. She stayed with me the whole labour and we talked a lot about midwifery. It’s a wonderful job because you can make such an enormous difference to someone. I will always remember her.

  4. marcelarhodus December 9, 2007 at 6:36 am #

    reading your thoughts on midwifery, you almost made me want to be pregnant again… almost 🙂

    I’d say we are born new each day, and each day is worth carving dreams. Who knows where we’ll be in 3-5-10 years… I think you’d make a great midwife, funny, warm and thoughtful.

  5. Kathy December 9, 2007 at 7:07 am #

    I’ve never really felt passionate about anything either. (I think this is part of the reason I never call myself a “photographer,” or a “writer,” rather someone who takes pictures, or someone who writes. Semantics.) I feel a sense of accomplishment when I know I’ve done something well, but I feel the same sense of accomplishment unclogging the bathroom drain as I do finishing a project.

    Midwifery is a great career. Of course, I’m saying this as someone without children, and if I were twelve hours into labor I’d probably be screaming, “Drugs! Give me drugs, now!” But I’d definitely choose a midwife (and I home birth, though I know some work with hospitals) over a traditional delivery-room birth.

  6. Marcy December 9, 2007 at 11:02 am #

    “I feel the same sense of accomplishment unclogging the bathroom drain as I do finishing a project.” Ha HA — me too.

    In NY there were certified nurse midwives — who could be just as supportive and helpful with a hospital, medicated birth as with a homebirth or med-less birth. My team of midwives was fabulous in the hospital and afterwards. And they would probably have been more fabulous beforehand if I had been more clear about what I wanted.

  7. Casdok December 9, 2007 at 4:00 pm #

    Yes why did we ever think men knew best?!!!

  8. radical mama December 9, 2007 at 5:11 pm #

    What? What? What? You’re only 30. You have years and years of working life ahead of you. Plenty of time for dreams to come true. Some people know what they want to do when they are 15. Most people don’t. I don’t think it is at all unusual that you are just now realizing your calling, and that a major life-change inspired you.

  9. Bon December 9, 2007 at 5:21 pm #

    not a waste at all, friend. i’ve got nearly six years on you, and am still figuring out what i want to do with my life, job-wise…i’ve also considered midwifery, driven by my own crisis-birth experiences, but they were traumatic enough (and in the first case, necessary enough) that i’m not sure i’m not too damaged to take that road without a lot of frigging therapy first. kind of moot, anyway, as like you say the option isn’t really available here.

    but i am seriously considering looking into talking to a doula if we have another baby, and talking to the doula about being a doula, as well. that might be a place to begin if you’re interested in the whole birthing field…

  10. Mommi Tutu December 9, 2007 at 6:34 pm #

    Sounds like being a midwife is right for you – I hope you someday get to realize this dream. Birthing my babies was more than scary, in fact it was pretty much taken away from me because of the circumstances, but what I really wanted was someone caring my my side to see me through. I hope the next time I get that chance. Follow your dreams, girl!

  11. thordora December 9, 2007 at 10:05 pm #

    Yeah, I know, it isn’t too late. It just feels that way sometimes, kwim?

  12. nyjlm December 12, 2007 at 12:23 am #

    I don’t know if some personality types are less likely to dream, or what. My dh is a dreamer, and it drives me to the edge sometimes. Quit f’ing dreaming and help with the here and now. I’m too busy trying to keep my head above water just running our lives to have too much spare time for dreams. However, I have been setting goals for myself, and have been taking baby steps towards a larger goal. It feels good- little risks, little ways to put myself out there. Maybe checking out doula certification would be a good way to start. We sure do need a strong voice like yours out there helping to straighten out the mess of the birth industry in North America. The Coalition to Improve Maternity Services is an org you might check out.

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