“my mother died friends are uncomfortable”

13 Nov

Oh honey, I’m so sorry.

One of the worst parts about losing a parent is trying to handle your friends. To this day I can still remember the helpless looks on the faces of the people I knew when I told them my mother was dead. Surely the matter of fact way I said it didn’t help, but I was in shock. They looked at each other, then back at me. “You’re kidding” they said.

“nope.” I said. “She died a few hours ago.”

If you want to get rid of your friends quickly, that’s a good way to do it.

I was in shock at first, and likely unable to register what I was doing to my friends, the few I had. Most avoided the topic, preferring to stay as far away from it as possible. One held me up as I ran from church, bawling during my mother’s service.

They are uncomfortable because they are scared it could happen to their mother. They’re uncomfortable because they do not want to hurt you, and do not realize that silence will hurt even more. Open up to them. Talk about her-talk about her illness, her death, the funeral, how much you miss her.

I was never open with my friends. I always tried to pretend that it didn’t bother me, that I was strong enough to handle it. I wasn’t, not really, but people bought the act. Only now, years later, did I discover that people really believed me when I said I was strong enough.

If I had of opened up to a friend about it, if I had of taken the time to explain what I couldn’t deal with them saying and knowing, and what I couldn’t handle, maybe it would have changed things. Maybe people would have seen when I needed help, seen when a little girl needed her mother more than anything else.

Your friends need you to be strong for them in a way, just long enough for you to tell them what you need. What support they can give. They will give it if you ask, but you need to ask for it.

Things will improve. Soon, life will be almost as you knew it. Almost.

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One Response to ““my mother died friends are uncomfortable””

  1. bine November 14, 2007 at 6:36 am #

    amen.

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