Rage, Rage against this.

6 Nov

It’s funny how the manic periods build up. It’s almost like when you’re period is coming. You’re full up-you know what’s coming, your body is hot and ready to spill, and you feel like you’re walking on pinheads.

Or everyone around you IS a pinhead. I don’t remember which.

My mania finally peaked Sunday night/Monday morning, but it’s not like I didn’t have warning. It built all last week, and only crested on Sunday. Standing back and letting it happen, letting it wash over me and around me, is the oddest thing. It’s almost like someone else is driving my head for a moment, grinding my gears and directing me to places I don’t want to be. Finally, I’ll argue with it, remind it that it’s not real, and regain control. Or at least, that’s what happened yesterday, as much as it could.

In the morning, I was wound tight-anyone who has ever taken speed might recall that initial period where it’s like you just can’t touch/taste/hear/speak to everything soon enough. Then, as suddenly as it came on, it unwound and I was free of it.

Perhaps the lithium is moderating this sensation, and I hope so. That out of control manic rage is nothing anyone should have to feel, and the more it happens, the more I worry that I will do something, that the stalking towering anger I feel might let lose when it least should.


One Response to “Rage, Rage against this.”

  1. bine November 6, 2007 at 9:38 am #

    i think that sounds like what my friend told me – that the lithium somehow takes the peak off that mania. it also sounds like you had some kind of control in this, reminding it it’s not real.
    i remember that speed rush, and i still can’t understand that for some people this seems to be the most desired effect of speed. i always liked the clarity of thought it brought, the openness to yourself, i could have done without the mania it brought.

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