“Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.”

22 Oct

I feel like I’m holding my breath lately, waiting for change. It’s in the air electric. I don’t know if it’s just me and the slightly manic state I’m in, or if I really do want for change. I know I’m craving it-I just don’t know how or why.

I do know that I’m feeling very very blocked. I have all of these words inside me, and I just can’t get them out-not coherently. I don’t know what I want to say, not quite. I want the words to be heard though, and I just don’t feel like I’m being heard anymore. Half of me is telling me to stop this blog-to make a clean break, perhaps start a new one, just for me. I don’t have the energy to chase readers, beg for readers, or comment on 100 blogs a day. I want to be writing-writing for me, not everyone else.

And I still want to tell certain stories-the story of my childhood, losing my mother, what I’ve dealt with, and what I’ve made of it, but I want to make it more meaningful, more full of what really happened. I want to continue talking about PPD and BPD and how us mentally ill folks are just like everyone else, if you ignore the hallucinations and the suicidal ideation. I want to keep writing, but without being in thrall to a dwindling readership or a lack of comments. I can’t write the same kind of amusing tripe that some people can-and I don’t want to write fluffy posts. But somehow, I think that writing as honestly as I do can chase people away.

It’s a shame, really. I’m a fun person-I have a sense of humour. I’m just very serious, sadly. I don’t laugh much. I don’t smile naturally. I have a “gloomy outlook”. And I’m manic depressive, which doesn’t help.

Another part of this is that I don’t feel like writing about parenting as much as I once did. Now that we’re moving into childhood, I feel like I’ve moved past alot of the places I once was. I can’t argue the same arguments over and over, and I don’t really care that much. Never really did. But I don’t know what I want to write about. I just know I need to write.

So perhaps things will be changing around here soon. Maybe things will splinter off into many. The blogroll will likely disappear as most of you are in my reader anyway. But I need to feel like what I write and say matters again, that I’m not involved in some obscure popularity contest because I know I will not win. And I don’t care too. I’m not making any money off this. I just want to know someone else is out there.

Aw shit…I just don’t know guys.

On that note, I recently got a copy of Regina Spektor’s first album, and the song “Chemo Limo” was on it. If you’ve dealt with cancer, these lyrics will make you cry.

Chemo Limo” by Regina Spektor.

I had a dream
Crispy crispy Benjamin Franklin came over
Baby-sat all four of my kids

Then in my dream
I told the doctor off
He said if you don’t want to do it
then you don’t have to do it
He said the truth is
You’ll be okay, anyway

Then in my dream
Crispy crispy Benjamin Franklin and the doctor
Went and had a talk with my boss

Something about insurance policies
They kept the door closed at all times
I couldnt hear or see

When they came out they said
You’ll be okay, anyway
And I smiled cause I’d known it all the while.

No thank you – no thank you – no thank you – no thank you
I ain’t about to pay for this shit
I couldn’t afford chemo like I couldn’t afford a limo
and on any given day I’d rather ride a limousine

No thank you – no thank you – no thank you – no thank you
I ain’t about to to die like this
I couldn’t afford chemo like I couldn’t afford a limo
And besides this shit is making me tired
it’s making me tired
it’s making me tired
You know I plan to retire some day,
And I’m gonna go out in style
go out in style
This shit it’s making me tired
it’s making me tired
it’s making me tired
I’m-a gonna go out in style go out in style

When I woke up
My kids were being quiet
I knew it was a dream right away
I called the limousine company

Then I got dressed
I dressed the kids as well
The limousine pulled in
And we piled in

The doctor he asked which way we were headed
I said, Sir, let’s just go west and he listened obediently,
Sophie only wants to listen to radio BBC
Michael sat on my knees and whispered to me
All about the meanies
Jacqueline was being such a big girl
with her cup of tea looking out of the window
And Barbara
She looks just like my mom
Oh my, Barbara
She looks so much like my mom

No thank you – no thank you – no thank you – no thank you
I ain’t about to pay for this shit
I couldn’t afford chemo like I couldn’t afford a limo
and on any given day I’d rather ride a limousine

No thank you – no thank you – no thank you – no thank you
I ain’t about to die like this
I couldn’t afford chemo like I couldn’t afford a limo
And besides this shit is making me tired
it’s making me tired
it’s making me die
You know I plan to retire some day,
and I’m-a gonna go out in style
go out in style
This shit it’s making me tired
it’s making me tired
it’s making me tired
I’m-a gonna go out in style go out in style

Style
Style
Style?
Style.
Style..?
Style
Style..??
Style.

I had a dream
Crispy crispy Benjamin Franklin came over and
Baby-sat all four of my kids

I had a dream
Crispy crispy Benjamin Franklin came over and
Baby-sat all four of my kids

Sophie only wanted to tune us into radio BBC
Michael sat on my knees and whispered to me
All about the meanies
Jacqueline was being such a big girl
with her cup of tea looking out of the window
And Barbara
She looks just like my mom
Oh my god, Barbara
She looks so much like my mom

Oh my, Barbara
She looks so much just like my mom…

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7 Responses to ““Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.””

  1. Jen October 23, 2007 at 8:59 am #

    I’ve tried to explain to C. the idea of not writing for an audience but still needing to know that an audience is out there and it always comes off wrong, but I think you nailed it at wanting to know someone else is out there. Blogging can be so much like a night out with friends on a good day and so much like not being invited to a block party on a bad one and it’s really tough. Especially for people who don’t make friends easily in person.

    Anyway, I’m always out here reading, even though I never comment anymore.

  2. Netter October 23, 2007 at 9:31 am #

    Howling in the wilderness can be cathartic. But, it’s better when someone reaches out and says I’m here. Blogging, or any kind of writing, without readers is howling in the wilderness. I’ll try to remember to let you know I’m here and I’m reading, even if I don’t really have words to leave.

  3. Marcy October 23, 2007 at 12:50 pm #

    I think any of us who write, even if we just blog fairly lightly, understand that writing is a whole lot more word-spewing and only a little crafting. You’ve got to cough up all the junk before you can shape it. One nice thing is you do have the draft feature here, so if you don’t want us to see your spews until you’ve shaped them, you can take your time.

    It sounds like you might benefit from some kind of artificially imposed structure. Something like write about your mom on Mondays, about PPD on Tuesdays, poetry on Wednesdays, or something along those lines. Or make an outline, and write a piece of it each day.

  4. Mrs. Chicken October 23, 2007 at 2:06 pm #

    Please don’t keep us out. I do read you, all the time. I just can’t comment on every post, because I often don’t know what to say. That doesn’t make your words any less meaningful to me. Write whatever you wish, whatever you need to. Just don’t shut the door, OK?

  5. ohthejoys October 23, 2007 at 4:35 pm #

    I think you HAVE to blog for your own reasons.

    Mine purpose is to tell my mom (and formerly, my Granny) one thing about my day. That was my whole purpose – and maybe, if I could, make them laugh – but not every day.

    Do it for you and you only.

  6. Marcy October 24, 2007 at 9:21 pm #

    By the way, do you know about nanowrimo?

  7. nursemyra October 29, 2007 at 6:01 am #

    I’m out here too. It’s not a popularity contest, but I’m putting you on my blogroll anyway 🙂

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