“I CAN’T DO THIS BI POLAR SUCKS”

16 Oct

No fucking shit my friend.

Everytime I think mine is getting better, every time I think that maybe, just maybe this time will be different, the wind changes and down I go. Down into the abyss of sadness, over eating, rage and confusion. Down into a land where I am unsure and misplaced, the land of misfit toys not even good enough for me.

Days like those I start to wonder if maybe I just can’t do it anymore. And if it’s worth it. Why am I blessed with this, or saddled with it? What the fuck did I do to deserve this? The answer of course, is nothing. We have what we’re handed, nothing more or less. But somedays, it makes me wish I believed in god, any god, so at least I could find reason or meaning in my illness beyond “just cause”.

We all want a meaning after all, right?

There are days where I look in a mirror and whisper “I can’t do it. I just can’t do it anymore”. There are those days where I stare too long at the pharmacy in my cupboard, wondering just how much of what would do it.

But then there are days when I crawl and play on the floor with my daughters, and feel only joy at being allowed to play with them, to inhabit their world for just a moment. There are days where the sun filters through leaves dyed red and purple and into my house, turning it into candyland. There are days when it doesn’t hurt to be alive.

You can do it. You can do what a very wise friend of mine said, and tell it to fuck off. Tell that little voice in your head that it’s not real, and it’s not that bad. That pain is transient. Tell that voice that tomorrow will be better, and to make it there.

It does suck. I won’t argue that. But you can do it.

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10 Responses to ““I CAN’T DO THIS BI POLAR SUCKS””

  1. Gabriel... October 16, 2007 at 5:16 pm #

    Holy crap, wise? I was cooking really high-fat bacon this morning while wearing only underwear and tube-socks.

    I’ve been out taking photos of sunrises lately, but always just after the sun was up. Never for the actual rise. This morning I got there early, or just in time, and actually watched the sun come up over the mountains. It was mesmerizing. I don’t remember ever watching the sun come up like that before. And so quick. In my head a sunrise was always something slow, something you could watch while having a meaningful monologue with someone. But five minutes, tops, and that thing was fully exposed and burning yellow and there were blood red ribbons shooting across the bottom of the clouds.

    One of the traps we can fall into is waiting for the moments of joy to happen, because ‘being happy’ can seem so easy when we see it and read about it in other people’s lives. But it takes work and actual effort and it’s something we have to go out and find. I’m glad you’re finding some Thor, and I know you’ll find more.

  2. thordora October 16, 2007 at 6:54 pm #

    You want an amazing sun rise? Sit on the banks of the St. Lawrence on a misty morning, and wait for the sky to come on fire. It’s incredible-but over far too soon. If you’re ever on the river, make a point of getting up for the sunrise.

  3. marcelarhodus October 16, 2007 at 7:55 pm #

    I could have written this post… it’s like you read my feelings and put them into words. Although I’m not bipolar, I so see myself in this post.

    Like you said:
    (…) “There are days where I look in a mirror and whisper “I can’t do it. I just can’t do it anymore.” (…)

    I have so many of those days.
    and then it gets better… and then you have a down time again … I’d say we’re all living a rollercoaster.

    Gabriel said it perfectly, we cannot just wait for the happy moments to come to us, we have to work at it and put effort into looking things from the bright side and make them work for us.

    As always I love your post and I’m moved by the way you write. Thank you.

  4. ann adams October 16, 2007 at 8:06 pm #

    I hope on the really bad days you can remember the good ones.

  5. Freya October 16, 2007 at 10:08 pm #

    The same days I lay in bed, overwhelmed with “I can’t do this” thoughts, I somehow manage to get up and drag my sluggish rear to work…though never sure how. Perhaps it’s the knowledge of what happens if I don’t go, or maybe it’s my way of telling the voice to fuck off. I never full shake it, but I quiet it on those days. And on the mornings I go to the gym early enough to see the sunrise, the happy moment is just enough louder than everything else …that’s all it takes for me. Then again, what makes me happy and life worth inhaling may seem so minute to others, but it’s enough.

    I love sunsets but sunrises take my breath away and numerous times I’ve nearly run off the road trying to get a good glimpse of the sunrise.

  6. Dawn November 23, 2008 at 7:35 am #

    Being Bipolar really does suck!!!!! I was recently diagnosed with it 2 months ago. We keep trying meds keep gaining weight and keep slipping into a deeper depression that when I went to the doctors. I really hate this. As you can tell I am in a down time in this shit and have no way out. I will keep taking geodon but sometimes I think it doesn’t work and other times I think its great. Does everyone that is Bipolar feel this way?

  7. David June 6, 2009 at 7:12 pm #

    i hate my bipolar my wife and i are no longer together becouse she wanted sexual freedon , the slut , the hore has my kids and neglects them i want to take them but i cant handle them more than tow day with out ending up in the hospital, it seams with every break im one step farther from getting my kids who i love very much. i resontly started drinking with no real reason why i hate my ex and have horrable thoughts , im on on depikote perfenezine and celxa
    some times it seems like they dont even help i forget to take them i forget doctors apointments so much that i lost my doctor , and now am going through the proses of getting another one my illness got realy bad 2 weeks after my second son was born and had to be admitted for the first time now im in every couple months , im terrified ill end up in the state hostpital my manias are intence and filled with nervieness rage and loathsome thoughts , i dont have sucidalthoughs i gust wish every one esle would die so i could finaly be left in peace , i hat my illness even more than i hate my ex and her new fuck

  8. Gene August 23, 2009 at 5:29 pm #

    My bipolar sucks! I have been on Depakote and Risperdon for four years. They just took me off my Risperdon, because my level is too high. So they are giving me more Depakote. It has bad side effects, I never had high closeteria or diabetes until I started taking Depakote. It has affected my sex life, and makes me feel like shit most of the time. Sometimes I forget to take it. I lost my house and my job, was in jail for six weeks and state hospital for eight months. I going to see if the state hospital board is going to release me after serving a 2 1/4 year sentence in a few days. I only found a job for about two months in two years. My wifes job doesn’t pay all the bills. I guess it could be worst.

  9. Kaitlyn May 2, 2011 at 4:48 pm #

    being bipolar is a horrible illness. what makes it even worse is that people dont know, understand or even try to understand what a serious illness it is. It pisses me off beyond believe that im saddled with a life threatening illness ill have forever and i can’t even tell people about it. without them getting weirded out or judging me. bipolar has absolutlely nothing to do with lack of character or moral fiber. it’s an illness that destroys lifes and even takes them away. My guy i love cant forgive me for all the horrible things i did that hurt him. I try to explain that i was myself in that time of mania. but he just says im making excuses. but everyone who reads this who has bipolar disorder knows its not a choice its an overwhelming force that takes the wheel and ends up driving you in to a ditch.

  10. stella jones December 15, 2012 at 8:35 pm #

    I was diagnosed 10 months ago and still don’t have the med cocktail dialed in; still experimenting. So I feel like shit most of the time. I’ve never felt normal or like I fit in anywhere; at least now I know why. Looking back, I can see that I have had bipolar my entire life, and it has messed up so many relationships, so many things. I have wanted to die since I was 9. I have been surrounding myself with people or pets that I believed that no one but me could care for in order to keep myself here…..but I’m so tired….and life’s just so full of hate, cruelty, and it just hurts so much to be alive. And it shouldn’t. My friends don’t hurt. They don’t feel this pain. They don’t understand at all. The therapists and dr.s say to stay here for your kids (mine are adults now). But what about my right to no longer live with this emothional pain? Do I have to keep living with this pain for another 40+ yearsfor everyone else’s benefit? When do I matter? When does my right to be pain free happen? Will these meds ever make this pain go away, or at least be less intense? I don’t want to argue anymore, I don’t want to stay up all night painting my house or typing reports, I don’t want to cry for hours over guilt over things I can’t control, I’m so very tired, emotionally and physically, of the sudden and severe mood swings. The toll they take on n=me and anyone around me. These meds had better get dialed in soon. I can’t take this crap too much longer.

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