“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.”

12 Oct

I’m not fun anymore. She tells me I’m not what I once was, she’s not blaming anyone but I’m not the person I was 10 years ago.

You think?

Clearly I need to eat better she tells me. I need to cleanse myself and my nasty evil colon of all it’s problems-I’ll be better then. I won’t want to die then-I won’t need pills maybe even! Exercise, that’s the solution 100%. You don’t exercise enough, that’s why you’re depressed.

There is no magic bullet. I can eat as naturally as I want and run the Boston marathon. But I also have an illness in my brain that makes me sick.

I don’t want to get better she thinks.

It’s easier to be on the outside of this isn’t it? To have all the answers, to know what I need, what I want. To believe that I’ve just sat back and let this disease eat at me. To believe that manic me is a better me.

I am not a better person when I bounce off walls and buy my friends expensive gifts and put gas in the car and can’t stop talking. I’m the person you see and hear. You don’t see me when I want to die, every inch of my body begging me to just fucking do it already. You don’t see when I hide from the world, trying to make myself as small as I possibly can.

You don’t fucking see. You don’t see me. You can judge from 1800kms away, and blame me for all the things I’ve done wrong in my life for who and what I am. You can make this my fault all you want but it won’t make it so.

I’m not depressed because my mother died. I’m not sad because my life has taken an unexpected turn. I’m FUCKING SICK ALREADY.

I might not get better. That is not having no hope and wanting to stay sick. It’s facing fucking reality. It’s the knowledge that I can try every single remedy, be it FDA approved or on some wackadoodles web site, and I still might never get well. I will live with this for the rest of my life, regardless of taking my Omega 3’s everyday and coating everything with flax meal.

What is it that people always think they have the perfect fucking answer? Why be so judgy and make me feel like I’m a fool for a taking a drug that is known to fix things, a drug found naturally that might make me live a NORMAL life instead of fighting against myself for every single step? Why is it so hard for someone who I know loves me for who I am and whom I have known forever to just be there without making me feel like a failure?

Why can’t she just understand, or at least want to try?

This is why I’ve never liked having friends. They just make me hurt even more in the long run.

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14 Responses to ““Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.””

  1. Netter October 12, 2007 at 9:41 am #

    She’s misguided in her comments, but I’m sure she just wants the best for you. People who’ve never experienced mental illness, never been subject to the hijacking of your thoughts and moods, can’t understand. I wish there were some sort of simulation chamber we could put our friends and family in so they’d go through something to give them that understanding.

    I’ve never really wanted to die. I just wanted it all to stop. Sometimes I thought that stepping in front of a bus might be the only way to make it stop.

  2. Freya October 12, 2007 at 4:18 pm #

    Sometimes it’s not that they want the best, it’s that they think they are the only ones that know what’s best and that’s where things go wrong. I have minimal friends do to this reason. As you said it’s their not wanting to try…and it’s sad, really. Especially since so many of them would expect us to try to understand if they had cancer or some other health issue they couldn’t just “blink” away with vitamins and exercise.

    It’d be nice to explain how it feels, how it is, to others and have them truly KNOW what it’s like..and leave it at that.

    Sorry to hear things didn’t go so well and that you’re hurting because of it.

  3. Marcy October 12, 2007 at 4:26 pm #

    If this is a good friend, it may be worth telling her what you’ve told us. Perhaps you tried already and she didn’t hear you…

  4. Ceridwen October 12, 2007 at 9:39 pm #

    “True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.”

    While I agree with Washington’s words, I actually think friendships grow from specific moments and circumstances, and that knowing someone for a long time doesn’t necessarily mean they will do right by us at any given time, even if they have in the past.

    People change, and so do situations. If this person is not listening to you, understanding you or showing compassion for you … you don’t have to take that treatment. (But you already know all this. I am really just affirming what I know you know.)

  5. Mrs. Chicken October 12, 2007 at 11:15 pm #

    People are afraid of mental illness. Like if they stand too close, it might get them, too. Or they believe it can be overcome by force of will, or as your friend suggests, a healthy diet.

    Until people understand that depressed doesn’t mean “my hair looks bad today” or that bipolar doesn’t mean “moody,” these hurts will continue.

    I am so sorry.

  6. misspudding October 13, 2007 at 2:42 am #

    Why do people act as if mental illness is not real, but then chastise people with mental illness when they do something “bad”.

    It’s like those crazy right-wing, batshit crazy senators who preach abstinence and shit, and then get caught in an airport bathroom. They’re hiding something or they’re insecure that they have problems, too.

    Fuck, man, we’re all screwed up. When the rest of the world starts understanding that, I think we might get somewhere…

    Good luck.

  7. sweetsalty kate October 13, 2007 at 8:41 am #

    Because I am a member of the League of the Horses’ Arse thanks to having said similar things, can I clarify?

    This person’s intent, however ungraceful, is probably this. She reads you words, sees that the way you feel about your health and your shell, sees it as a trigger or focal point for the dark side of bipolar. As in: body image is not causal, but it’s sure not helping.

    (I’d never imply that mental illness should (or can) be countered with yoga and flaxmeal. I may be guilty of many things, but at least I know how much I don’t know.)

    Simpleton as she is, she probably figures she’s supporting you by encouraging you to try something different – that maybe if you could feel a sense of autonomy or progress with this one beast, well.. it could only be a positive thing in your life.

    All of the above is true for me. And let me be the first to say you’re absolutely right – I don’t understand. But you’re helping me to.

  8. thordora October 13, 2007 at 2:22 pm #

    After I wrote this, I stopped and worried that you might feel that I as including you in my irritation-and Kate, I’m not. You come across to me as someone just offering options and opinions. I’ve received the ‘everything would be better if you would just eat better’ speech many times from my friend. She means well-she really does. But the problem lies in the fact that my eating habits tend to be an outgrowth of how I’m feeling-i.e. I binge when depressed, I have no desire to exercise when depressed. When I’m manic, I’m fine. I commit to and start making changes.

    It never lasts.

    She’s trying to help, she really is. She’s convinced me that I should at least go talk to a naturopath. I just get tried of trying to explain a chemical imbalance to someone who HAS mental illness in her family, and likely a few issues of her own.

  9. sweetsalty kate October 13, 2007 at 7:48 pm #

    Gotcha. 🙂 I knew that from our emails. But I thought maybe I could do some backpedalling and explaining on behalf of your friend – because I can see my own intent in hers.

    And I remember the loud-talkers in Moncton. They drove me to DRINK, mauditetabarnac!

  10. Jason Dufair October 15, 2007 at 12:16 pm #

    Unless you’ve had depression and know how it affects EVERYTHING, including your appetite, you have no idea and can’t. I hear you loud and clear, Thor, and hope the Li does you hella good. I’m back on an SSRI and hoping it works like it has in the past. Because it really is an illness and that’s a fact.

    Best wishes, my friend.

  11. Kelly O October 17, 2007 at 9:07 am #

    It is tough when people try to fix your problems and they have no idea what they’re talking about. So irritating. I do like the idea, though, that all my problems might reside in my butt and can be fixed with a good colon cleansing. *snerk*

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