I got nuthin.

9 Oct

I am blank lately. I have nothing in my brain-I’m so tired and fuzzy.

I’m eating everything I can find, like a hoover. I wish I drank or smoked-at least that way I wouldn’t be getting fatter and fatter, seemingly without control. I’m constantly hungry and craving something. How come some fuckers lose their appetite when depressed? Why can’t that happen to me?

Why do I eat which makes me fat which makes me even more depressed?

I’m stressed, and busy and blank. My father is back and my already fuzzy brain is confused with the new input, and it will take awhile to readjust to his being there. I take up too much room-everywhere I move, I am too big for the space.

I want to quell my expansion with the only weapon I feel like I have. I feel so fucking helpless-like my mouth decides everything for me. Maybe I should try and be anorexic-maybe then I’d eat like a normal person.

I hate my body. No, I LOATHE my body. I can no longer appreciate it-instead I want to run razor blades over it and let it bleed out into the street, squeeze out the fat that shows to all my laziness and worthlessness. I want to run into the road and let myself be taken by the next MACK truck that winds it’s way down the street, knowing that perhaps I’d be shadowed by something that big.

I take up too much space, too much time, too much energy. I want to be done with it. All I want is what most people have and take for granted-the woes of life, common griefs, the way life is. I don’t want to be the 2% of the population who are useless. You know what terrifies me right now? The thought that I can’t handle work anymore, and that I’ll end up “one of those” people on disability, a giant zit on the ass of society for others to mock. I feel this coming towards me, and it makes me want to run away faster than I’ve ever run. I want to run into the woods and hide until my body freezes in winter, eventually becoming a nurse body for the creatures in the wood.

I feel so very done with it all. The stress, the hatred of myself, the battles I keep losing-the struggle to stay afloat, the constant explanations to others about why I’m so bitchy-I’m bitchy because I’m so very angry and so fucking depressed the wind wheezes out of my ribs.

I want to be done with this.

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16 Responses to “I got nuthin.”

  1. mamaloo, the doula October 9, 2007 at 4:54 pm #

    You got room on that bench for me? I’m so with you. I’ve been having some very dark thoughts lately.

  2. Francesca (stuntmother) October 9, 2007 at 5:57 pm #

    Perhaps the moon is in the wrong house or some crazy stuff because I have been in the darkest place I have ever been for the last few months, and I am trying and trying but I cannot pull myself towards the light.

    This is not helpful solidarity. Just a nod of recognition.

    I don’t know what would be helpful. I am listening. You are worth listening to. Your words speak to me.

  3. Bon October 9, 2007 at 7:03 pm #

    i got nuthin’ in response, friend, except i too think you’re worth listening to.

  4. ann adams October 9, 2007 at 7:56 pm #

    I’m here and I’m listening.

  5. palofmine October 9, 2007 at 8:00 pm #

    I am the same way, as far as eating everyting I can see. Drinking and smoking would not be good, because drinking makes you hungry.. and hungry makes you thirsty! I have the heepie jeebies, and I have the lazy times!!! I think that the cabin fever is around the corner with winter!

  6. sweetsalty kate October 9, 2007 at 8:14 pm #

    If there was something to be done in response to how you feel, what would that be?

    +++ shit. I’m effing tapdancing, and sounding like frigging Dr. Phil. I don’t mean to.

    I’m sorry Thor. I struggle with having nuthin’ too, and to see you so defeated, all I can think of is to pose that question.

    If you feel so desperate that you’re looking fantasmically at mack trucks, and feeling so full of dread for the future on this path, then wouldn’t something completely new be worth trying? Like a nutritionist, or a personal trainer, or a yogi, or a group-supported program, or all of the above. An army of people who know how to wrestle these feelings to the ground and make them work for you instead of against you.

    Because F*CK! Why not!!??? Anything is better than feeling like this. (said while hugging you and squeezing you until you can’t breathe)

    I am naive and inexperienced, and I’m sorry for that, and I’m sure your more sage readers are shaking their heads at me right now. What the hell do I know? That I care about you. So I take the risk of pissing you off (and sounding like an oblivious ass) by saying what I’d really like to say.

    If you are this miserable, and this desperate, then channel it. Get whatever help you need to take small but drastic steps. Drastic only because they’ve never been tried before, and because they’re stuck to, because you’re at the end of your rope and, from your words, feel you have no other alternative but to be unhappy if things don’t change for the rest of this precious, once-granted life.

    Over-simplified, sure, and maybe not taking into account (because, I’ll admit, I can’t fully grasp) the difficulties posed by the bipolar beast. But I have to say it, because I just think you’re too vibrant of a soul to not at least try, try something drastically different at the expense of everything else, because it’s that important.

  7. Jennifer October 10, 2007 at 12:35 am #

    Man. I want a diet where when I feel like shit I loose weight too.

  8. Hannah October 10, 2007 at 8:37 am #

    I keep coming back here because although we’ve never met, although we just have this transitory internet thing, I care about what happens to you. When your friend visited you and you wrote that wonderful happy post, I cried – I was so happy for you, that you could feel such joy. And now I am worried about you, because your posts are sounding more helpless all the time.

    If it helps to tell us your scary thoughts, then by all means keep telling ’em. We’ll hang in there. We are listening to you and pulling for you to get through this time.

  9. Marcy October 10, 2007 at 9:02 am #

    My heart is heavy for you. But I have hope because you’re still talking — there’s still a will to live under all that despair — and I am confident you’ll keep fighting, weary as you are. I wish you rest and strength and even joy.

  10. Cori October 10, 2007 at 9:14 am #

    Keep fighting, keep talking, and know that we are all here offering support. Sending you peace and strength!!!

  11. bine October 10, 2007 at 9:57 am #

    aaaawww, thor …
    you. are. not. useless.
    you do a good job, you earn your families bread, you have two wonderful girls you are taking great care of, you are one of the most brilliant minds i have come across in the webspace. how can you say you are useless?
    i can’t really give advice on the stuffing yourself and weight thing. all i can say is i have gone through that, and one day i just stopped. i got to the point of disgust where i had to make a change, stop stuffing myself and get out moving. it works. but i also realise that you are facing an entirely different situation.
    i think kate’s advice sounds good. some change, any change might do you good. are you talking about this with mogo? see if you can’t come up with something in the line of kate’s comment.
    sending you hugs.can’t do much more, sorry.

  12. onbeingandliving October 10, 2007 at 11:53 am #

    Something (everything) is hurting inside you and you are feeding the hurt or the negativity trying to make it go away. I wish that worked. If it did, wouldn’t we all be rotundly happy?

    I know about that anger as well. Once I realized that my depression was more about my anger towards others than anger at myself, it was a revelatory moment. My therapist encouraged me to focus on one thought for a day. That thought was, “I am very angry” then add to the end whatever I was angry at.

    Potential options: “I am angry at the fucking weather for being so damn hot (in Houston)”

    “I am angry for having acne as an adult”

    “I am angry at you”

    “I am angry at me”

    Good luck, I’ll be thinking of you.

  13. Jason Dufair October 10, 2007 at 1:04 pm #

    I do lose my appetite when I’m depressed. Not sure if that’s good or bad. I know I’m sick when I lose my appetite. Which I have lately. So, yeah, the moon’s in the wrong house for me too. I’m just hanging in there, trying to sleep right and eat right and exercise and meditate and hoping it’ll pass.

    I hope it passes quickly for you, Thor.

  14. radical mama October 10, 2007 at 3:13 pm #

    You’ve been quiet, and I was worried that you were having a rough time, and you are. I have nothing sage to say, except that you are important to other people. Please don’t forget how much you matter.

  15. Gabriel... October 10, 2007 at 5:18 pm #

    Don’t forget, the light is going away. It might have something to do with this cycle. Pretty soon it’ll be dark from 7pm until 8am, so you might want to Max up the Vitamin D and Omega-3. With the eating, it’s mostly a compulsion right now. It’s a reaction thing. “I’m depressed, where’s the food?” So apples, lots of apples. There are fish snacks you can buy, mock-crabmeat, I found them a couple of months ago. It’s fish, but it looks like crab… science. Anyway, they cost about a buck-fitty and they’re great no-calorie / Omega-3 snacks. And they only take five minutes to thaw under warm water. I find oranges too much of a hassle to peel, but bananas are great. You can also chop the bananas or apples and put them in a small bowl of All-Bran and 1% milk… lots of vitamin D and no fat in 1% milk. Instead of high-sugar juice, try putting a jug of water in the fridge with a bit of Real-Lemon or Lime or both. Or even just cut a lemon in half and drop it in. Tell everyone it’s “mommy juice”. Whole wheat bagels and a bit of “light” cream cheese is something else I’ve been snacking on… Country Harvest bagels are fantastic.

    Snacking or bingeing is something you’re going to be doing until you can deal with the reasons behind them… that means more time and more food. So it’s time to get used to the behaviours, and accept them and stop feeling so fucking guilty about them. But make sure they’re not based around sugar, processed foods, empty calories, fat and transfat. Stop buying that shit and it won’t be around when you’re looking for food as a substitute or a short-term cure for the years of shit piled up in your brain. Apples, baby, the solution lies in apples. And fake crabmeat.

  16. bine October 10, 2007 at 5:33 pm #

    *cheer*

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