Early in the morning

26 Sep

I’ve had to get up early this week, and quite frankly, it blows. The children did not go to sleep until 11 last night. You heard me. 11. I have absolutely no idea why.

Going to sleep around midnight and getting up at 6:30 is for the birds. And yet I know people do this every single day! How?!?!? This sucks!!!

For a birthday, yesterday was ok. Mogo surprised me with a cake, which I didn’t expect, and a few CD’s, which I also didn’t expect. So it was nice, but I was much too tired to get excited.

But on to other things.

So now I’m in my thirties, and wondering if I want to keep this site going. I don’t know what direction I want to take this in. I don’t know if I have the energy for the upkeep. After all, I’m not a stay at home mom with few financial worries. I work full time. I sneak my blogging in when I can.

And some days, it’s tiring. Some days I look around and wonder why others are willing to read pap so long as it includes their link. I wonder why people with nothing real to say are even talking. I wonder why I keep talking.

Maybe it’s the bipolar talking, as it’s wont to do every so often. But for awhile now, I’ve been wondering what I have to offer, fuck, I’ve been wondering what a lot of people have to offer. I’m not full of ads that freeze other people’s computers. I’m not reviewing crap no one wants. I’m not blathering on and on about, well, nothing. At least I hope I’m not.

So I’m weighing my options, deciding my fate with this. I might take a break. I might not. I might stop completely, leaving the archives up. I might delete it out.

I just don’t know what else to say right now.

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22 Responses to “Early in the morning”

  1. tulip September 26, 2007 at 7:41 am #

    Even though I’m quiet and not a big commenter I will say that I read everything you have to say and I am…comforted is not the right word but it’s as close as I can come right now, by your words. As another bi-polar mother sometimes it’s just good to know that there are other people out there like me. I know the feeling of just having enough energy to live and that’s IT. I hope to see you online but I will also understand if it’s just one more thing that makes you feel guilty that you aren’t doing. You have my support and affection and I would love to keep hearing about you. Take care of yourself.

  2. Jen September 26, 2007 at 8:27 am #

    Sometimes I hate having to maintain a blog, but I have to admit to myself that I’ve been doing it for too damn long to quit. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.
    I took a year +long break when I was pregnant with Lucy and we had no computer/internet and it was really strange. And yet, once I started back up, I did little but complain about it. The key for me is not worrying about what I have to offer to a reader, but what I need to get out for my sanity. This is probably why I only have, like, 4 readers but at least I have somewhere to go when my mind is climbing the walls.

  3. Gwen September 26, 2007 at 8:39 am #

    First of all, happy birthday! and welcome to a great decade!

    I’m with you on the blog thing; right now mine is lying mostly idle while I try to figure out what to do. The good news? there are no wrong answers!

  4. Netter September 26, 2007 at 8:52 am #

    Belated Happy Birthday. I can understand your struggle with blogging. But, I do think you have a wonderful voice and we’d all miss you very much. I know I would. I know I need to comment more often, but like you, the full-time job sometimes gets in the way. They expect me to work!

  5. Mogo September 26, 2007 at 8:54 am #

    maybe just take a break… I’m thinking similar thoughts toward my blog right now, since it suddenly seems like a lot of work to keep finding good tunes to share that a) are out of print/vinyl-only and b) haven’t been shared somewhere else already… and when it crossed the line from being fun to being work… well… we have enough work on our plates right now 😉

    keep in mind though that after the chaos of the next couple weeks subsides and we can actually get some sleep, we might both feel differently…

  6. Caitlin September 26, 2007 at 10:08 am #

    I enjoy reading your entries. I think the wondering about what direction to take the blog in is pretty normal. We’re not static beings, so sometimes a new direction is a good thing. Even though we’re adults, we still grow and change, find new interests or have the unexpected happen.

    I have to wonder if part of it is because you’ve mentioned a few times how you never really expected to get to thirty, so you maybe avoided thinking about life after thirty. I guess it’s a milestone of sorts, and not knowing what direction to take is normal. If you need to take a break or change directions, we’ll understand, but I hope you’ll come back, because I look forward to seeing new entries on your rss feed. I occasionally start over with a new blog. Sometimes having a clean slate helps when you want to go in a new direction.

    And trust me on this, being a stay at home mom with few financial worries doesn’t necessarily fix anything. It’s just trading one set of problems for another.

  7. palofmine September 26, 2007 at 10:20 am #

    I really enjoy reading your blog! It doesn’t have to be anything prepared, just something to get your thoughts out there, and off your chest! I find it therapeutic sometimes to get other points of views on things. I really enjoy your blog, I would miss it if it wasn’t here.

  8. Meredith September 26, 2007 at 11:35 am #

    See, I just don’t care if I have readers (and I am pretty sure I don’t). Mine blog gets updated very sporadically. Sometimes three times a week, sometimes not for two weeks at a time. I just put stuff down when the feeling so moves me.

    I vote for a short break. Then, when the feeling hits you that you want to share, then share. If it hits you that you want to go into a specific direction, go there.

    If you aren’t getting paid for this and it is really just for you, then screw what the internet thinks. Do what YOU want. You owe us nothing.

  9. Jason Dufair September 26, 2007 at 12:24 pm #

    If you want to write posts, write posts
    If you want to be free, be free
    There’s a million things to be, you know that there are.

    I, of course, get a lot out of the motherloss stuff. Plus I likes ya a lot and it’s a nice way to keep up on your world, even if I’ve been lost in loverland lately.

  10. Dragon September 26, 2007 at 2:16 pm #

    I understand the not knowing what to do with it, and sometimes a break is the best thing to do. I hope you don’t give it up though, because I really like reading what you have to say (regardless of whether or not you link to me… most of the people on my blogroll have no idea I even exist) and I would definitely miss it.

    –Dragon

  11. Bon September 26, 2007 at 3:22 pm #

    i missed yer birthday. i suck. donkeys. am genuinely sorry, and hope the cake part was plentiful.

    i would miss you a lot if you stopped, Thor, but i get the blah feeling myself a lot (ie, about my blog, not yourn) and wonder. i’m waaaaay less frequent in my posts than you, and frankly, i’m blown away by how you find the time. but i hope you don’t stop totally.

    and as someone who can’t ever seem to sleep before midnight and has a kid who wakes up raring to go at 6:30 or earlier every. freaking. day…i feel your pain. last night he was up screaming with the cold every hour, so i feel it extra today. i do hope that early mornings go away someday for both of us.

  12. radical mama September 26, 2007 at 3:44 pm #

    I’ve been blah lately as well. Weather?

    I’ll miss your blog if you stop blogging.

    But you need to like blogging to do it, in my opinion. If you don’t enjoy it anymore, stop.

    I wonder all those things to, and need to clean out my blogroll as a result. 🙂

  13. sweetsalty kate September 26, 2007 at 3:51 pm #

    I feel the same way as you do thor, about blogging… episodes of when to stop, where to take it, what it takes of my time.

    I really hope you don’t abadon it completely. Don’t worry about us. We’ll be here whenever you’re ready.

    Maybe now that you’ve slayed the six-fingered man and don’t know what to do with the rest of your life post-thirty, you could become and next Dread Pirate Roberts and write about that?

    I can’t stand emoticons, but: 🙂

  14. mercurial scribe September 26, 2007 at 8:04 pm #

    Don’t know if this will change anything, but I’m comforted when I read your blog. Now that I’m going to be a mommy and I’ve been dealing with the eternal bizarreness of bipolar, it’s great to know I’m not alone, I’m not the first one, that other people do this too. Takes some of the “woe is me and only me!” the bipolar tends to convince me of and remind me that this is life.

    Take a breather and hope you feel better.

  15. thordora September 26, 2007 at 8:04 pm #

    Maybe that is it. I’m 30, and confused. What now? I know that life is not over, but I feel so curiously empty and bored.

    And sometimes I feel sick of bitching and whining.

    I just…I don’t. When I try and take a break, it lasts like 6 hours and that’s it.

    Le sigh.

    “You killed my father. prepare to die.”

  16. sweetsalty kate September 26, 2007 at 8:10 pm #

    My name is Inigo Montoya.

  17. thordora September 26, 2007 at 8:38 pm #

    Between Princess Brides quotes and the Terry pratchett quotes on my facebook, things could be worse. 🙂

  18. sweetsalty kate September 26, 2007 at 10:46 pm #

    I think I’m about to get schooled… who is terry pratchett?

  19. thordora September 27, 2007 at 6:56 am #

    GASP! BLASPHEMY!

    You don’t really mean that do you!?!?

    Run-do not walk, do not collect 200$, and go buy Good Omens NOW. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_Omens) You will not regret it. Then work back through the rest of his writing. FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY.

    I mean, you can’t get much better than this:

    “WHO KNOWS WHAT EVIL LURKS IN THE HEART OF MEN? The Death of Rats looked up from the feast of potato. SQUEAK, he said. Death waved a hand dismissively. WELL, YES, OBVIOUSLY *ME*, he said. I JUST WONDERED IF THERE WAS ANYONE ELSE. “

    (Terry Pratchett, The Truth)

  20. Nat September 27, 2007 at 6:28 pm #

    Hey…. ***I*** review crap that nobody wants! :p

    Whatever, lady. I likes your blog, but u shouldn’t blog if you don’t dig it… Do what you want to! 🙂

  21. thordora September 28, 2007 at 7:59 am #

    I’m just having a crisis of blog faith. 🙂

    And I’m not pointing fingers at anyone specific. I’ve just sick of seeing sites with TONS of readers and nothing to offer aside from “PLEASE READ ME AND COMMENT!!!” or “Hey, here’s today’s PPP!”

    sigh.

  22. bine October 1, 2007 at 2:59 pm #

    aaargh … what is going on here? i’m away one week and you think of quitting your blog? well, obviously you haven’t done so yet … to think i had come back and found your blog gone – i wouldn’t know where to turn first thing in the morning.
    all i can say is i would miss you terribly. but i can’t complain. i have been getting a lame ten clicks or so a day lately and i’m completely empty of anything to blog about. and i definitely don’t want to start blogging about my weight loss or how i hate cleaning the kitchen.
    if you do decide to take a break, i hope we’ll see you back. but i agree with most of the others – you will have to do what you feel is good for you, find some peace of mind and quality time.

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