So foul

18 Sep

I’m foul foul foul.

It’s “that” time of the month. You know what it’s like being bipolar and then getting your period? It’s like World War Three. Shit falls down, breaks apart, blows up and generally is unpleasant to be around.

I feel so fucking fat I don’t even look in the mirror at this point. Starving myself is beginning to look better and better everyday. I feel so invisible.

I’m depressed. I’m fucking tired of being depressed, or feeling like I should be happy when I just don’t feel anything. Weren’t these drugs supposed to help this?

I’m angry. I’m fierce and fiendish and loud and all I want to do is scream my lungs out for days. I can’t even go anywhere and sing, the one real vent I normally have. (besides, not singing loudly for so long has left me bereft of the little bit of control I normally have over my breathing)

My back fucking kills, likely because I’m becoming disgustingly fat. My self loathing knows no bounds this week.

The pills must not be working, because the dreams are back. The horrible fucking death dreams are back, and I sleep the sleep of the tormented.

AND I turn 30 next week.

Fuck.

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7 Responses to “So foul”

  1. Marcy September 18, 2007 at 10:07 am #

    You have a little extra biochemistry going on — keep reminding yourself that it has an influence.

    Can’t sing in front of the kiddies?

  2. Magdalena September 18, 2007 at 10:25 am #

    I think I am going to take up plate breaking in the street myself. I’ll go to discount stores and buy cheap sets of Corelle, go out into the street and break each piece into smithereens. Then I think I’ll take pictures of it and blog them. Would you like to join my club? We could do a pattern of the month!

  3. cherylann September 18, 2007 at 12:00 pm #

    30 really isn’t that bad… I think 29 was worse for me. Just remember that the medicine IS working… I mean, you don’t feel as bad as you did before, do you?

    I think Magdalena has a REALLY good idea!

  4. Hannah September 18, 2007 at 12:28 pm #

    Being new to your world I don’t know how bad it’s gotten in the past but I’m guessing that the fact you can at least write about it and get some of the anger out is probably progress.

    Whatever you need to do to try and relax, do it. Go easy on yourself. And if 30 is the new 20 (which I keep hearing) you’re just a babe in the woods still, right?

    Hang in there.

  5. Betsy September 18, 2007 at 3:21 pm #

    I’m telling you, 30 is great. You are officially an adult and don’t have to do a damned thing you don’t want to do anymore. But PMS plus bi-polar? Man, that sucks! Sending virtual chocolate your way.

  6. bine September 18, 2007 at 3:26 pm #

    world war three … gawd. you really sound like a disaster area. lets hope it lights up a little when your period is over.
    i have those i-drop-or-tip-over-anything-i-touch-days. fucking annoying, and nothing i can do about it. i could as well just go back to bed. but world war three … naw.
    i still hope it’s not the wrong meds and the pills just take a bit long to work. is that still possible? when should they work?
    nightmares are definitely not the right thing to make a girl shine in the morning. i’m glad i sleep quite peacefully these times.
    and i really like magdalenas idea, too. i think i’d join the club.

  7. Caitlin September 19, 2007 at 2:08 am #

    I envy my husband and my friends in their 30s. There’s something about turning 30 that gave them enough motivation/confidence to chase their secret dreams and not let someone talk them out of it. They all seem a lot happier than they were in their late 20s. I hope it will be the same for you. And if I’m wrong, you have my permission to say “Told ya so!” when I’m dreading my 30th.

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