“not wanting to be a mom anymore”

13 Sep

Johnny has a question, on this comment.

We’ve all been in that place where we hate being a mother, where we just can’t take another second of it. But what if your spouse is on the sidelines, trying to make it better, and felt like he just can’t?

What would we say? We complain so often that our partners don’t do enough for us, don’t step up to the plate. But if they do, and we’re still unhappy, what then?

Johnny says he’s lost, and he’s trying to put himself in her shoes….can’t we help him really do that? Is there anything we can do to help him?

4 Responses to ““not wanting to be a mom anymore””

  1. eric September 13, 2007 at 10:29 am #

    Tell him to watch some Louis C.K standup.

    Hrm. Actually that might not help.

  2. Marcy September 13, 2007 at 10:33 am #

    Johnny is doing a lot already — can’t imagine what else he could do. I’d want to know more about his wife’s feelings and desires — did she used to work, did she love her job — could arrangements be made for her to work again if that would help? Does she have any insights into why she doesn’t want to be a mom anymore? A good therapist might be useful in getting to the underlying issues and helping her find ways to address them without running away. Are the kids difficult in any particular ways? A family counselor might be able to help.

  3. Caitlin September 13, 2007 at 11:52 am #

    Is it possible she might not want to be a SAHM instead of not being a mom? It took me awhile to make that distinction. I feel like an unperson as a SAHM, like the real me stopped existing the moment I didn’t go back to work. I just want to shake people sometimes and tell them “Goddamnit! I have a name and it isn’t Mommy!”.

    I think Johnny made a good start trying to fix things, but I agree with the suggestion for a therapist. I think talking to someone who wasn’t emotionally attached to the situation would help his wife immensely. I always feel this crushing guilt about letting my son and husband down by wanting to go back to work and be a person again. You don’t get much in the way of support for going back to work if you have the money not to, because there’s no “need”. Sometimes, it feels like it would be a lot easier not to be a mom at all than to be a mom who can afford to stay home, but dreams of going back to work.

  4. Jen September 13, 2007 at 4:50 pm #

    I also agree with the therapist suggestion. I know I would’ve never figured out why I was so bloody miserable without a third-party to listen objectively. It doesn’t matter how much your partner helps is if you can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that you need help with.
    Another thing that I need from time to time is for my husband to just hug me and not try to fix anything but that might just be me. It sounds like Johnny is doing a lot to try to help out…I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to want desperately to help and feel like nothing is helping.

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